4:48 a.m.

It's 4:48a.m. and here's what is on my mind:

I see myself driving up a snake-like shaped road, windows down, hand out feeling the breeze, as I see all these beautiful green trees. Mile by mile, to road seems to go upwards. I suddenly stop and step out of the car with no worries of any cars coming my way, cause I know that the road is completely mine. I get out and cross the street to look at the view. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I see that I've reached the top, and I know that it's all downhill from here. That simply brings excitement to my heart.

I drive another thirty minutes when I spot a little ranch way down the side of the mountain. There is a beautiful log house, it looks similar to our family ranch, but I know that it isn't it. How? Because ours is out in the middle of nowhere surrounded on every side by nothing but mountains. Either way, I'm still driving when I begin to smell burning wood. It's not a big fire, it just smells as if someone had a wood stove burning. I look to the left and see another little ranch with smoke coming out of their homemade chimney. I can't help but wonder if perhaps they are cooking something.

I start to recognize the trees, even though it's been two years since I've seen them. I take a quick glance at the mountains and say to myself, "I'm home!" I slow down to take in the sight. One log house after the next, all with smoke coming out of their chimneys. There are people walking down the streets, some waiting to catch a ride into the big city, others simply taking a stroll. I see a familiar face, it's an old friend. I quickly wave hello before passing them. I pass a tiny road to the left, that would take me to our ranch. But I opt to stay in town for a while longer. It's been two years, and it's changed so much! I can see houses going up higher and higher on the hills. I can't believe how beautiful it all still looks!



I take a right where the church is at, and drive to the very end of the street. I run into the town cemetery. This is my first stop, my grandfathers gravesite. I never met him, he died five or six years before I was born. But my mother would take me to his grave every year and place blue flowers. I had his blue flowers for him, I bought them in the city before heading out. I talk to him for a bit, call me crazy. I leave after a bit, and start to walk towards my car. I get in and drive out towards the main road again. To my surprise, I run into a man riding his cart, which is pulled by two horses.

I take a left on another road and head towards the top of the hill. My cousin lives in a little one bedroom house with his wife and four kids. I stop and say hi. I'm actually more interested in taking in more of the view of the place I have missed so much. I have longed to see those trees, those hills, the homes.......

If I could only go there right now......

My many loves....

I'm only 23, so my aunts and uncles always tease me about "my love". "So, who's your love these days? And please tell us it's an adult!" Understand, I don't have a boyfriend! But I do still have my loves...Jasmine and Alondra are two of them. They are my nieces, or what in the American culture may be called second-cousins. Jasmine is now four, and I am amazed everytime I see her! I feel like it's been months from having seen her everytime. She's the sweetest thing ever. She's also very smart. By the time she was 8 months, she started talking. By the time she was 2, she'd learned to count from 1-10 and learned almost all her colors. She's a bright little girl!

Then there's Alondra. She turned two this past November. She's another smart little cookie! She has been watching a Mexican show called, "El Chavo del Ocho". She picked up every characters little "thing", from the way that one character cries to the way another one throws a temper tantrum. You can say, "What does la Chilindrina do?" And she'll come out with her arms going from side to side saying, "Waaa-waaaa, I'm going to tell my daddy!" It is the most adorable thing ever. I guess you'd have to be there to see it. And she's cute. She learned to call me "Nina" since I am Jasmine's Nina/Godmother. That was actually her first word, "Nina". I was so touched by her calling me that, and her mom never corrected her. She has her own Godmother, but I think it's safe to say that she doesn't care much for her. I speak what I see/hear.

And there's Maggie (5 month old), Jack (2 year old), Nate (5 year old), Emily (1 year old), Brady (2 year old), Trey (3 year old), and Cole (5 year old). These are all my other loves. They range from former teacher's kids to church friends. I love kids, what can I say. I drive my friends crazy everytime I take new pictures of those I see most often, like Jack and Maggie. "Isn't this baby adorable!!!" I'll say non-stop.

Here's a funny story that will show you how serious I am about these kids being my loves. The first time I took care of Jack, his mom let me take him out. I took him to McDonalds. It was great. When we got back, his mom said, "So Jack, you've been on your first date!" And church members that see him coming towards my room will say, "Jack, you going to see your girlfriend?" Why? Cause he's my baby. I spoil him big time. And now that I'm actually talking to this guy, his mom said, "So, do you think that D can handle the competition with Jack?" I just cracked up.

I can't wait for the day when I have my own....that little one will be my true love!!!!!

 

Good times....

Now these are the types of memories I like....

"I'm thirsty...I'm hungry...He hit me!"

I had five kids under my care today, a 5 year old, 4 year old, 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 5 month old! I love these kids, but man, how crazy! I don't know how I did it. Jack (2 y.o.) jumped out of his chair immediately after pushing his food away, and ran outside with Ryan (3 y.o.). Nate (4 y.o.) finished up his dinner and ran to join Jack and Ryan. Cassidy (5 y.o.) kept walking back to Maggie's (5 m.o.) crib to see if she was up yet. I go and sit in the office, next to Maggie's crib to be around when she wakes up. In the meantime, I open up the blinds and watch the other four outside. Suddenly, I hear a scream. Jack actually ran into the wall and banged his head. I run out there, and when I get there, he's laughing. Then I hear, "He hit me, he hit me...." Nate comes in telling me that Ryan "hit him". Ryan apologizes, Nate runs outside like nothing. Suddenly, here they come, stomping down the hall to see if Maggie is awake. Low and behold, she's awake alright, all because of their noise-making. Now Maggie is crying, and they are all surrounding me as I pick her up to comfort her. I finally get them to disappear. But here they come, less than a minute later. Now I'm in the process of changing a diaper. I join them back towards the backyard as I put Maggie in her saucer toy. She enjoys it, for about five minutes. I go to the back to change Jack's diaper when I hear her whining in the living room. Ryan and Cass come, "She's crying, she's crying, she's crying...." Hello, I heard you the first time. 7:30 comes, "Jack, it's night-night time." What is his response, "NO" and tries to run away. What do I do...SHUT THE DOOR AND LOCK HIM IN. Hey, I was in there with him. I finally manage to change his diaper one last time before being able to throw him in the crib. He cries, I walk out on the boy. I love him, he's my baby, but when it's bed time, it's bed time! Maggie, by this time has started crying. Now she's hungry. But I also have to deal with Ryan bothering Nate again. Cassidy is doing great, trying to keep her brother under control. So I'm getting onto Ryan while I'm warming up Maggie's bottle in the sink. I get distracted by Jack's crying, so I go and check on him. I finally get him to want to go to sleep, after reading two books to him. I come out of his room, and Maggie's is crying still, while Ryan and Cass are running up to me repeating multiple times, "She's crying." Umm. yeah, I figured that one out! It's 8 pm. "Nate, go put your pj's on, and I'll tuck you in." He does awesome, alright. He goes and brushes his teeth and gets ready to go into bed. The entire time I'll dealing with Ryan not listening about unbuckleing his pants before going potty and Cass not leaving Maggie alone, and Maggie crying. Understand, I haven't had a chance to feed her, she's been crying, whining, pouting for almost 30 minutes. I manage to put Nate into bed after rough-housing with him for about 10 minutes. I pop in Chronicles of Narnia for Ryan and Cass to watch while I finally feed Maggie after warming up her bottle a second time. I'm sitting in the office rocking and feeding here, how I'd love to have my own (just one!) when I hear Ryan rolling a super loud car across the wooden floor. Maggie was falling asleep. So I stop feeding her to walk into the den and get onto Ryan. It's about 8:20, and Maggie is relaxed. I turn on a hymms cd by Amy Grant and lay her down. I walk into the den, and what's the frist thing I hear? "I'm hungry, can I have a sandwich and milk." So I make a sandwich for both Cass and Ryan. Ryan decides to sit on the floor, I warned him not to spill his milk. Low and behold, it's everywhere! It's 8:45, and I FINALLY get to sit down, with a cheesestick in hand to watch what I can of Chronicles, when the dog starts barking wanting to come in. Ryan immediately gets up and messes with the dog. He makes the dog bark, and Maggie screams in the back. There I go, running to calm her down. Stick the binky in and turn her on her belly, pat her back, and down she goes. Ryan gets it...he has to sit in this chair and can't move for 5 minutes. The most difficult 5 minutes of his life from what I see. It's now 9:05, and K calls, "We'll be home in about 20 minutes." "Great!!!" They arrive and what happens, I can't find my keys! We look for them for almost 15 minutes when I go back to the computer for the 10th time and see them next to they keyboard. We can finally leave. But what happens when I search to call my friend from my cell? My phone is missing. First thought, "Crap, I left it at K's!" I call when we get to Cass and Ryan's at 10. "Nope, it's not anywhere..." Here I go, out through the garage and to my car. I dial my number and what do I hear, something vibrating! My Phone! Where was it? Under the seat. How did it get there? Who knows!

What a crazy day...wonder what the morning will be like, trying to get Cass and Ryan ready for church. I truly feel like a mother right now. And man, I feel blessed to not have children yet.

Psalms 31:14

"But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." Psalms 31:14 NKJV

I moved out to commerce this semester. If you would have come up to me over the weekend and asked me, "So, how has your life changed in the last two and a half months?" I would have said, "Well, the start to living out there was a bit hard. New place, new people, no friends but one, my roommate. But as the semester has gone by, I've met some great friends. And God has definitely taught me to turn to Him more than anything."

How has he taught me? I figured out about a month ago that I moved out to Commerce because my friend was out here. And I figured, "She'll 'carry' me through it all." Needless to say, when I got here, it was like I was on my own. It was as if I had NO ONE in Commerce. I decided to join Campus Crusades and help them get started. Well, that's where I met my new friends, Loma, Sophie, and Charlie. And then there are my friends from my classes, like Karissa and Steve, and Steve's friend, Kenneth. But anyway...I stepped back and looked at what all God had provided for my life. New friends, friends with other Christians, fellowship non-stop. I needed that. I didn't feel lonely anymore! Because that's what I had felt.

So I saw God provide! But now, I am at a different point. I'm at a place where I feel forced to make a decision. The person I used to call friend, do I continue on in this friendship? Or is it hurting me now more than anything? It's like I've come to see who this person is. She's not a bad person, but to see the things in her life, and having believed that she was a Christian, well it's sad.

Last night, I had to confront an issue about something that occured Sunday night, Monday morning. Her response was pretty straightforward, "It's not on my shoulders to make you happy!" True, she doesn't have to make me happy, but respect is something I felt was part of friendships, as well as honesty. So I wrote her a message back on our board, "I receieved a message saying that you hadn't been honest with me, so I thoght I should ask you about it." She placed a workout suit I'd let her have on my bed, I noticed when I walked all the way into the room. Well, she came in, changed, packed a bag, took the pictures of her and me down, slammed them upside down on the dvd player, and stormed out. What am I supposed to think? What's the first thing that would come to your mind? Here's what's come to mind, "The friendship is over."

I've seen God working in my life in the last two months. The way he's been working in it has been very difficult. And right now, I feel like he's been telling me, "This is not a friendship I want you to continue in." But as I saw last night the pictures of her and me laying face down on the dvd player, it hit me that this could actually be over! I'm the kind of person that has to know what's going on. When I'm at a place in life where I'm not certain of why things are happening or what will happen, I stress, and God knows it too. :) And that's how it was last night, I tried to figure everything out. Then Loma said, "There's a reason Erica. You just don't know it. In the end, it will be for your good...even if you don't see it now. First of all, there is God, and he's still there, even if you feel like there's no hope." I needed that last night, I needed the reminer that even though I turn around and look at my room and think, "Why would God want to be in the middle of all this?" HE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL! He's been in it since the very begining.

God has privided, taught me, showed me, spoken to me, loved me...I WILL TRUST HIM! Even through this difficult time where friendships could be ending. Because in the end, HE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE! As the psalmist say, "YOU ARE MY GOD!"