Breaking free

"It takes a prisoner, once released, many seasons to break out of the deeper confinement of habit and attitude." Things Unseen, Mark Buchannan

This is me today...

See the Morning

I got an email that said, "Have you checked your mailbox lately?", it was from Brooke. I wasn't expecting anything, but I called the front office to check, and indeed there was a package, can you guess who it was from? Brooke :)

I opened it up to find a beautiful scarf that she had knitted for me, along with a note. I was very confused, because I read "If this is not the right col, you can exchange it at Circuit City." My only thought was, how do you exchange a scarf if 1) the place doesn't sell scarfs and 2)hadn't she made it?

I finally figured out what it said, "If you don't like the cd". Hey, it looked like it could say col. So I quickly unwrapped the scarf and found the one thing I was hoping to get for Christmas or my Birthday, Chris Tomlin's See the Morning cd. Boy did I scream!

I immediately popped it into my laptop and listened to it. Man, I love this guy! This was the first song that just totally touched my heart. He is just so good at making you turn away from everything that's going on in your life, all the struggles and pain, and just makes you worship the Heavenly Father!

Uncreated One

Chris Tomlin

Holy Uncreated One
Your beauty fills the skies
But the glory of Your majesty
Is the mercy in Your eyes

Worthy Uncreated One
From heaven to earth come down
You laid aside Your royalty
To wear the sinner's crown

(Chorus)
O Great God, be glorified
Our lives laid downYours magnified
O Great God, be lifted high
There is none like You

Jesus, Savior, God's own son
Risen, reigning Lord
Sustainer of the Universe
By the power of Your word

Chorus

And when we see Your matchless face
In speechless awe we'll stand
And there we'll bow with grateful hearts

Chorus

P.S. I did put the song on my mp3 player, but I don't know if it loaded up correctly...

Job possibilities finally

My first semester in Commerce, I looked everywhere for a job, but found nothing. As soon as last semester started, I did more job hunting in Commerce, to come out to the same results as the Spring, nothing. Seems that my luck has changed!

Before I went back home for Christmas break, I turned in an application for a front desk position. I wasn't certain of getting anything, but I turned it in anyway. The second day I returned to Commerce, last Friday, I got a message from the director that's at my old dorm. He wanted to know if I was still interested in working. I immediately called and emailed him to let him know that I was. I ran into him on Sunday, and we talked about an interview which he scheduled for this past Monday (then re-scheduled for yesterday).

As I left this morning with Loma to have breakfast before class, she had to stop by the office. Amanda, the hall director, saw me and asked if I was still looking for a job. I mentioned I had an interview. She told me to take a look at the hours, and if the hours fit with my schedule, I had a job. Before going to the interview, I stopped by the front and check out the hours. Some fit with my schedule.

Well I went to the interview, it only lasted about 15 minutes, 10 of those with the hall director dealing with calls and residence. He asked what I'd worked in before and if I had any administrative and organizational skills. He then proceeded to explain the job:

"I need someone that can help me stay organized, I am a very busy person. I need someone that can help me organize appointments with my residents, and remind me, email me of what's going on, etc. Are you interested?"

Didn't take me long to say yes. He then offered me extra hours by doing night security. That might sound scary, but I doubt that it is. And it isn't like it would be every night.

So I come back to my room, waited for my roommate to arrive so we could eat dinner. As she and I headed down, she stoped by to talk to Amanda to ask her a question. Amanda saw me and asked me about the job. I mentioned that I had gotten the job at the other residence hall, it was just a matter of clearing my name through the school, but that some of her hours did fit in with my school schedule. I am not 100% certain of what my schedule will be, so I asked if I had some open slots, if I could work at Whitley as well. What did she say?

"Well let me know as soon as you get the call from Terrance tomorrow. When you let me know, I'll talk to him to see if he'd be okay with you working here and at Smith."

So here I sit, waiting for that call later on today in which Terrance calls to confirm the job, and wait to hear what my schedule will look like. Then more waiting to see if I can also work at Whitley.

I started off desperately searching for a job so I could have some money, and never found anything. And now, when I least expected it, I could have two jobs instead of one, or for that matter, none. It's amazing how God works.

I can't help but wonder what has changed for God to allow me to work? I've prayed about getting a job, especially on campus, for the past year. What's different? I sure wish I understood his timing more, who doesn't? I just can't help but be thankful that I've gotten this far in my job searching. Guess I'll find out tomorrow for certain of what the final results of that searching will be...

Home

I got to make the drive out to Commerce yesterday to pay for school. Iniatially, I hadn't planned on going back until Sunday night. But when you get an email reminding you that tuition is due in one day, and that day is way before your scheduled return, well I guess there's no choice but to make the drive. :)

It felt funny making the drive out there, getting on 30 and seeing all the little spots that tell me how much longer. Caddo Mills, 25 minutes, Greenville, 15 minutes, Exit 101, 8 minutes. But here's what I found even more interesting, actually seeing the building where I live, taking in a deep breath, letting that breath go out and feeling relaxed. I was home...

As much as I think of how Commerce has nothing but Wal-Mart (I know, what more do you want, right?) and very few fast food places to choose from, coming back was a great feeling. As I told J yesterday, could be that I'm getting used to the idea that 1) I may not be going home on the weekends as often anymore and/or 2) I have to live here the entire year (summer included). I might as well make it home.

I went and bought the usual, Chicken Express, brought it back and watched tv for a couple of hours. I set my bed up among other things. I was immediately set back in my regular routine, even though it was just for a few hours.

And now I sit at home, waiting to go pick up Alex so I can take her to Commerce with me for the night. I'm excited, she's excited.

The thought of not coming home for church on Sundays was a tough one to even think about. But as the fall semester came to a close, and the new year began, with so many things in mind, I actually feel much more comfortable with the thought of not going back just for church. And I guess J telling me that I might want to consider staying in Commerce on the weekends, something I never expected to hear her say, sort of helped me out. I doubt I'll find a church I'd want to be a part of on Sundays. There is a church I want to try out on Wednesday nights with Charlie, in Greenville. They have a college group that meets on Wednesdays. Who knows, maybe I'll just do Wedneday nights.

Apart from that possibility, I'm ready to go back home. I'm ready to be with my friends! I'm ready to start my classes! This is a new begining for all of us. We all had a rough semester in the Fall. This is a fresh start to a new semester. We'll see what God is going to do in our lives in the next 4 months. Loma, I know you're ready to see what God's got in store, huh? :)

Only 4 more days...

dwc 2007

last year was my first year going to dwc - dallas winter conference with campus crusade. i wasn't able to go this year, but my friends were from cru were sweet enough to send me this short video they put together of this year's dwc. more than anything, you'll see how crazy my cru friends can be! :) btw...best way to play it, hit play, pause and let it load, then hit play again

obstacles

There have been moments in my life when I've wondered "What am I here for? What's my purpose?" When I question this, I've asked it in the sense of, "What will I be doing in 5 years? 10 years?" But today, the only question is "What do I do?" It isn't just today that I ask myself this question, but for the past week, since returning from Mexico.

A lot of this questioning comes not just from turning 24 and feeling, "Okay, maybe I should get a move on life." But more than anything, the questioning comes from events that occured while visiting family over the holidays.

Mexico was my life growing up, my everything. I would cry because we had to return back to Texas. This time around, I've returned questioning what it is to me now. Do I still love it the way I used to? Or do I hate it? Why do I not know?

I saw many things in my family that I either didn't realize occured because I was too young, or didn't see them because I myself was part of it. The dependance on anything but God was the big thing. Depending on quick fixes and numbness was so visible in my family as it was in me a couple of years ago. And seeing it in my family has caused many emotions: confusion, sadness, burdened, lost...

I don't know who my family is anymore. There are several meanings behind that satement. My focus has turned from quick fixes and numbness to my Lord, Jesus Christ. I know that in Him, I can do anything. I know that he lifts me up, he strengthens me, he provides, he is everything that I need. And I have a family that believes in the same things I do. For the past four years, I've been part of this family.

Seeing my family in Mexico, seeing how they live, and being around those temptations that at times want to creep back up and haunt me, I felt nothing but distant. I felt that I was in the wrong place, with the wrong people, alone. I began to feel the burden, the heavy weight of wanting to share Christ with them, but I didn't know how. And as the days went along, and the uncles came around showing their numbess to reality, the drunkeness, I began to build up anger.

Should I have been angry? They don't know right from wrong, Christ doesn't live in them, they know nothing else but the numbness they seek. So I probably shouldn't have gotten angry. I think more than anything, I was angry at myself for not speaking up or saying anything. But in their state, how could anything I say make sense? The only thing I figured would make sense to them was speaking words of anger, "I'm done with this family! I'm ready to go home!"

Shortly after getting home, I sat in my room and looked around. How can I relate to them? I have it easy according to them. What could have possibly caused me to seek what they seek today, when our worlds are a total contrast, mine is easy and theirs isn't?

Erin told me that God had me there for a reason. I honestly believe that, but now I'm more confused than ever. Why send me there, have me see all the brokeness, and not give me an opportunity to share his love with them? Why bring me back to the comfort of home, and my great little church family and their love, and allow me to know his forgiveness, and yet keep picturing how my family sought numbness to forget everything that lies in their hearts? It almost seems unfair.

I'm lost in the sense that I feel returning back to my regular routine, my friends, everything here, I'm turning my back on my family. And I can't really explain it, but I feel that if I turn to my family and try to set aside my feelings and understand them, I'd be turning my back on my family of 4 years (this feeling I can't really explain).

So once again, I'm lost. Do I set my family aside and just pray that someone somewhere might share Christ with them? Do I find my way to make it down there, since I have no form of communication with them (no home addresses, and definitely no email or tel.), and wait to share with them? What will it take for me to be able to reach out to them?

And what makes it worse is a visual that I got as I took this picture...

These are the mountains we must drive through (sometimes over), to get to my family. What do I see in this picture? A great obstacle. And as J put it, "the long and whinding road, too...that must be traveled to reach them or traveled to distance yourself from them."

At times all I want to do is distance myself from them and wish to never return. Yet at times my greated desire is to travel that long and whinding road to reach them. But it is all still such an obstacle in my mind.

So, what do I do?