"Oceans From the Rain"

I heard this song for the first time tonight. It's by Seventh Day Slumber. There's a line in particular that stuck with me:
  
"And I’m amazed by You. Cause You’re never far away And all that I’ve been through, Your love has never changed"

It's taken me so long to be where I am with God. I have been lost for so long, and even more lost this past year as I recognized it was God's hand that saved my baby and at the same time allowed her struggles to occur. For a very long time I questioned him. I asked him "Why?" so many times. Why did she have to come so early and have to struggle through so much from the start. She had her entire life to come across struggles, why from the start? Was I being selfish with my questions, perhaps. After all, my baby I have only while God says it is ok. She isn't mine, she belongs to him, so he could do what he wanted.

So why put us through so much? Not just me of course since it also affected everyone in our family: my baby, my husband, my parents, my in-laws, everyone. We all felt the pain in our own way. But in the end, my question for God was why did we have to go through it period?

My only conclusion: He had to get our...my attention. I had thanked him for letting my baby live. I asked people to pray. I said all the right things and even "prayed", but never truly turned to him with faith guiding me to him.  I didn't let him lead my life...and not just then but in the past too. He did all this to get my attention. Was it a harsh way to do it, yes. Was there any other way? Who knows. But that was his way of doing it.

So why the lyric? Because I see his love, once again. I have been able to look back at this past year... the past couple of years. When I wasn't paying attention, he was showing his love for me in so many different ways. And he showed me his love the most when I was going through so much, when I was blaming him, he still loved me.

It's just so amazing to see how great our God is. How enormous his grace and love is for us. I can't understand everything that he's done in my life, and the many things he will continue to do. But one thing I can be sure of is that his love will never change!

Almost a year

I can't believe it, in 2 weeks we'll be celebrating my baby's 1st birthday. How can this be? Where did time go? I for some unknown reason, thought that because she'd come so early, we'd get an extra 2 months. What the heck was I thinking? We aren't celebrating it on October 8th, her original due date. We are celebrating it July 23rd, 3 days before her birthday.

This time last year, we had just moved into our current home. We were painting her room. Well, my husband and mother-in-law were painting it. I had to sit outside the window and watch. We were going to all the baby stores, looking at all the baby clothes, the room decor, everything. We bought her car seat and stroller. Little did we know we'd be using it sooner than expected.

Now, we prepare to take a week long vacation, so we can return to tackle the last few preparations that we need for her party. The theme: Yo Gabba Gabba. This is her favorite show. She dances, she claps, she smiles when it comes on. It's the one thing we know will keep her entertained when we need a few minutes of down time.

She's crawling all over the place. She giggles when we tickle her, which is the cutest thing ever. She learned to say "Mama" 2 days ago. We're working on "Dada" She's pulling up. She's just become such an independent little person. She has such a personality, it's beautiful!

Last week we received an awesome surprise on Facebook. Her primary nurse sent us a friend request. I was in tears when I saw her name. Unless you've been through our experience of having a preemie and being in the NICU, you wouldn't know what that means to someone. She remembered us, out of all the babies she's had throughout the year, she remembered US! It was just such an awesome moment for me. Through that, we found out that she'd be working on Emma's actual birthday. So that's where we'll be heading on her true 1st birthday, to see all our friends from the NICU.

These next couple of weeks are going to take their toll on me emotionally. I can already tell!