The Ending of a Chapter

Well, graduation has come and gone. My sisters helped me celebrate my graduation the night before; we all got together and went out and about. It was quite fun. 

That Saturday morning my parents arrived at 7:30 am. My dad immediately started crying when I opened up the door(weird). We headed up to the gym right at 9:15. Those 45 minutes went by extremely fast. Being as fortunate as I am, thanks to my last name, I led the College of Arts and Science out onto the floor. As the ceremony began, and our school president stood up to formally begin the ceremony, everything hit me. I started tearing up because I realized what I had finally accomplished, after seven years! I have to admit, I was quite proud of myself. 

Right after the ceremony, my family and friends that attended my graduation joined my parents and me at Molinas (a.k.a. Momo's) for lunch and a couple of drinks. Immediately afterwards, I drove my friend to DFW, and my cousin and I headed out to 20W to California. Yep, that's right, California. 

We left for Cali at 4:30 pm, and drove straight through the night, into the following day. We arrived at my cousins house, formally my aunts, at 1:30 pm (11:30 am Texas time). My cousin and I slept all afternoon long, which let us recover from the may hours of sleep we did not get while on the road. When I woke up, a small realization hit me, I arrived at my aunt's house exactly a year after my first time last year. The reality that she was not there for me to see her and the sadness that came along with that set in. But it didn't last long cause I was there to have a good time.

Every day we had something different planned. Monday, Iris (cousin) and I headed out to Hollywood. We drove for about 20 minutes trying to find the perfect spot to get a picture of the Hollywood letters. 

Then to the City Walk it was. We walked around for several hours, looking in all the shops and doing some shopping here and there. It was pretty great.

We even got to eat my favorite food, California Rolls in CALIFORNIA...haha!

Our final stop that Monday was in Santa Monica. To my surprise, it was pretty cold. Well it was only like 70 degrees, but for people like us that come from Texas heat, that is a big difference in temperature. We hung around long enough to see the sunset. That was an absolutely gorgeous view to see! I could definitely live in California, just because of that, any day!!!

Tuesday, we left early in the morning to Hemet (Aman's home town). We got to our hotel at 9 am. We changed clothes and got ready to head out to Idyllwild in the San Bernadino National Forest. It was great! I had been up there once, but definitely didn't mind going back!

Here's a funny story for you. We were going to go hiking, but the park ranger told us to "flop" instead of sit, and "stomp" instead of step down, otherwise we might get bit by a rattlesnake. Small note for the ranger, if you actually want people to go on these hikes, don't scare them with all the rattlesnakes! That was all I needed to hear to say "heck no!" LOL! And not just that, but this man wanted to train us to hike Devil's Peak for THE FALL! Negative on that one!!!

Wednesday morning, I finally got to see my Twinky (Aman). That was by far the highlight of the day, the week actually. She gave me the biggest hug ever, I almost lost my balance and fell over. We headed out to Big Bear lake for the day. She, Jessie, Iris and I went kayaking. That was the first time I'd ever done that, we had a blast. And the view that we had surrounding us was absolutely amazing too! 

After an hour of kayaking and playing around in the water, we headed to a picnic area at the lake where we ate a late lunch. We hung around for a while and just took in the scenery of the lake, the mountains, and the trees. It is another ideal place to live, if you ask me, ha-ha! We got home just in time to enjoy some of Manjeet's (Aman's mom) delicious Indian cooking. AAAMAAAAZING food!

Thursday was an amazing day. Twinky, Iris, and I went to Oceanside (the beach). We made a quick stop at In-n-Out before heading to the beach, Cali's version of Whataburger you could say. Twinky and I have had this on-going argument that Whataburger is better than In-N-Out...or the other way around if you ask her. Anyway, we got to the beach and just relaxed. We lied on the beach, played a bit in the water, and just enjoyed our time together. Aman and I pretty much caught up big time on where we were in life at the moment. It had only been two months since we had seen each other, but to us two months was a life time. And just being at our favorite spot, the beach, and being together, well it was all we really wanted. 

♥Sisters for Life♥

That same night, we headed up to Chili's for a couple of drinks before finally going to see the long awaited movie, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Iris asked me, when we first headed out to Cali, why I loved the SHTP movies so much. My only answer: the bond between the girls in the movie, and the bond that I have with Aman and the other girls, well it sort of reminds me of my life. RANDOM FACT! So anyway...that was my last night with Aman. Well, sort of.

Friday, our last day in Cali, Iris and I went out to Venice Beach. Man, now that's the kind of beach I had been looking for. We went on the board walk, did some shopping, and saw some of the weirdest people around. 

We arrived back in Hemet around 7 pm. We had planned on leaving at that time, but with fighting L.A. traffic, I was pretty exhausted. So instead, we hung out at Aman's, had dinner, and watched "In Her Shoes". Manjeet and I talked for a bit before she went to bed. She started crying as she told me to come back, even if Aman is gone. Then she told me of how sad Aman was all day the day of my graduation, because she couldn't come to Texas and be there. And she told me of how Aman talks to her about me all the time. She tells her of how I would watch after her when she was sick and just be there for her. Manjeet told me she can see the tears that come to her eyes as she tells her everything. Manjeet started crying even more as she told me that. She then asked me to never leave her alone, to never leave Aman. To which I replied, "Don't you worry about that one bit!" It was just one of those conversations where you realize how much you truly mean to someone, and I guess you realize that you truly are affecting this person's life. It was a very special moment that we shared, cause she understood how much this kid means to me! :-)

We finally got ready to head out after the movie, around 11 pm. But before we did, Aman and I spent an hour outside, talking, trying to make it last as long as possible...

One final picture...

I had no choice, I had to leave my Twinky behind. We left her house right at midnight. I did pretty good. I didn't cry (in front of Aman at least). It wasn't until we hit 10E, which was like 20 minutes or so away from Hemet. That's when I realized I definitely left her behind, and that's when I started to cry. Yeah I know, pathetic. But what can I say, you would have to see us together and know us to fully understand our friendship, our bond. Iris even told me, as we left Cali, "I totally understand why you love that girl so much, why ya'll care for each other so much, what makes ya'll sisters". That was an amazing thing to hear! 

If I could put into words what the 6 days after my graduation were to me, well, then I would. But I honestly can't. From the moment we hit 20W, the feeling of freedom completely took over me. The freedom to make my own choices, the freedom to do what I want to do, and simply the freedom to be me. I enjoyed my week in California, with my cousin and with Aman. And even though we had some car trouble on the way home and didn't get back until Sunday, I would do it all over again! 

Will it ever change?

I never thought it would be this hard. I try to love someone, but the anger overpowers me. Why is that? Perhaps because I pushed that anger to the back of my mind for many months, thinking that loving this person would be much easier in the end. And yet I had to face either loving or hating this person this weekend, and none the less the dark side took over.  And for that matter, hatred isn't really what I feel. It is anger. However everyone around me reads it as hate. It isn't hate...it's anger. But how do I explain that? I tried, and my words won't go through their heads. Nothing I say will justify my feelings to them. Because apparently, I don't have the right to feel the way I do. 

My feelings are justified. The anger grew from seeing the pain caused by his actions. And yet, they fail to see that I hurt for them, or because of the hurt he has caused them. Yes, I hurt because I know he isn't going on the right path. But I hurt more for them. And its as if my pain doesn't matter.

I sit and listen as I hear them talk "Why does she hate him? Why does she pull away? Why won't she try to love him?" It isn't that I don't try. I do, but they never asked how I really felt. They always came to me and told me how they were hurting and how what he did has been so painful to them. But not once did they turn and ask "How are you? How do you feel about all of this?" And still, the minute I want to let it out, they force me to push it all back in. 

How do I pull out of this cycle? Why can I be so open with everyone else in my life, and yet my own parents and brother, I have to turn my back to them and just let them throw punches, sometimes even to my face. I felt so trapped this weekend. Never had I felt so depressed because of my parents and their lack of understanding, like I did Sunday. And all because my brother and the choices he is already making, and me not being willing to let him get away with things like they do. 

I'm so glad I am not moving back home! This weekend made me see that it was the best decision I could have possible ever made, the decision to do whatever I could to not move back. I'm ready to turn and face the future, because my life will be different. I know I still have to deal with my parents and my brother, but there will be even more of a distance. I'm going to start my own life now, make my own real decisions, and do what makes me happiest, whatever that may be. 

But still, I can't help wonder if things will ever change?