It's been 2 years since the last time I blogged. While I had the full intention of picking it back up, I'm guessing it just wasn't meant to be at that time. And while this was used initially to write about my discoveries during my spiritual journey, then my journey of independence, I've realized that I need this more than anything to work through my own thoughts. When I began this blog, I was in my early 20's, I am now in my early 30's. Many things have changed. And what I see more than anything is that life isn't getting much easier over time.
I've been through college, friendships, marriage, pregnancy, and now living life with a wonderful husband and a kiddo. I am in a much more complicated place in life. My spiritual journey hasn't been what it was 9-10 years ago. I have had many struggles in life, which are small compared to many others' lives. But, to each his own.
So for a quick game of catch-up:
*I'm going into my 7th year at my current school, all the while debating if I'm ready to make a move or not to something else.
*My husband is starting his 3rd year at my district. Him coming to this district was one of the best decisions(I feel), we have made! He absolutely loves his co-workers, and I do too.
*Kiddo is going to be 5 years old in 2 weeks, and starting kindergarten.
*We bought a home almost 2 years ago. We are very happy with our choice and are constantly thinking of ways to spruce it up.
*Highlight of my job, I get to work with my amazing sorority sister. She is seriously the sister I never had. We just get each other. She's my person. Awww...
What are the big things going on in life right now:
*My mom has the beginnings of dementia.
*My mother-in-law(MIL) has cancer.
*Infertility issues.
Of the three above, the one that's hitting us the most is my MIL's cancer. She's had her fair share of troubles, and to see her go through this now is just a bit of a sucker punch. She had a brain tumor removed a little over 10 years ago. She has always had side effects from that, the biggest being cluster headaches. While we prayed every time that a tumor wouldn't show back up, we never imagined that cancer would be the next battle.
As of right now she's only doing radiation therapy. My husband says the doctors keep going back and forth on what the next step will be since radiation wasn't working after the first scan that they did. We are praying that the added entry points will help and will in fact reduce the cancer before it spreads or causes more damage. Chemo is apparently not an option. And surgery has a high risk of paralysis. So what do we pray for? The easiest answer to that one is that radiation does it. But with the results of her scans so far, that might not be the case. If surgery could assure us that they could get a good portion of it, well then great. My thought is, if it means that she's alive and not able to walk, well it's better than the alternative.
There have been few times that I've wondered what it will be like when on of our parents passes away. For some reason, I've always thought that it would be my mom first. I've always envisioned getting that dreaded call. Now we play the waiting game with his mom in the sense of will they get it? Will it get worse? Cancer to me has always been a death sentence. Of course there's the whole how soon did they catch it and are there options. When you start hearing that some options are no longer even there, well you can't help but go back to the worst thoughts. And then at that point it becomes a question of how long and when?
I know my husband fears losing his mom. His mom's fear is 1) being the sick grandma in kiddo's memories and 2) missing out on kiddo's life. I fear not knowing how to be there for my husband when that time comes. How will I show him love and support the way I'm supposed to? How do I help him grieve when that time comes? Sadly, that's how I am, I mentally prepare for the worst.
For now, we wait to get more scans done, find out results, and hear what the doctors think is best...oh how I do hate playing the waiting game.
