A glance at my blurry week...

I will probably ramble on, just because this is my way of thinking through my week...so feel free to skip over this one.

This week has felt like such a blur. Erin went home with me last weekend, that was fun! We went to the aquarium on Sunday. That's when I found out about C having the baby. I drove back to Commerce not knowing how to feel. I got back to quickly do one of my assignments for Discipline of English. Wait...I may not have done it. I should probably check on that.

I slept in on Monday, didn't go to either of my classes. I had the full intention of going, but I was too tired to get up. So I slept until about noon. Erin got back and we decided to go get some Panda's. I missed eating real food! I don't really remember the rest of the afternoon.

Tuesday, I was supposed to meet with Heather at 9 am, but once again, I over slept. So I arrived an hour late. Whoops! It's a good thing she's understanding. She's got a good list of songs going for retreat. I debated all morning if going to visit C or not, so I went up to the church to work on some stuff. I stayed up there for most of the day. I hadn't eatten anything, so I stopped by Wendy's and got me a sandwich. I couldn't even think about returning to Commerce knowing that C and the baby were at the hospital, so I drove up to Baylor. C actually looked happy to see me. She immediately took me to see the baby. I didn't think that I'd be able to touch him, but she opened up the opening right away and told me to touch him. I hesitated and told her not just yet. But he was too cute, so I eventually did touch him. He was so tiny, but so big! Tiny little hands with long fingers, cute little ears, head full of hair, he was just cute. We went back to the room and "talked" for about 30 minutes. Her boyfriend was there, so we couldn't really talk. As soon as T arrived, I left. I made a sudden decision, which I know was best for T, and told her to not worry about retreat stuff...she's got enough on her plate. So as I drove home, I sat there wondering who was going to take care of publicitiy...I shall never forget that quick decisions shouldn't be made so quickly. I had planned on getting back in time to eat dinner with everyone, and if I remember correctly, I did. lol. The four of us went to eat dinner. Alyssa said she'd help put a poster together for retreat, so we ended up going to Wal-Mart to look at the craft section. We also went to get hair dye for my hair. We were planning on doing my hair, but I took my sweet time at Wal-Mart.

Wednesday morning, I had decided that I would be going to class. Low and behold, I was exhausted in the morning, so I turned off my alarm several times. Here's the funny part. I woke up and saw that it was 8:35, and I thought, "Oh crap, it's almost 10. I've missed my first class. My next class starts in 25 minutes. I don't have enough time to shower!" So I quickly changed clothes, got my hair up and ran out the door, literally thinking it was fixing to be 10 am. And as I was walking up to the sidewalk between the Journalism building and Ed South, I realized, "Wait, it's only 9!!!" So I turned around and walked to the Journalism building. I was half asleep in class, but I was there! After class, I my second class, I was too tired to go eat lunch, so I went back to my room. I talked to my Brownie for a bit :-), was able to get several thoughts regarding Sunday/Tuesday straight in my head and in my heart (well, for the most part in my head). Afterwards, Aylssa was going to do my hair, but I laid down on my bed and fell asleep for about 2 hours. As soon as I got up, se did my hair and went to class. I vaguely remember what we did for dinner.

Thursday was another sleep in day for me. I have to say it was another Panda's day for us! I didn't want to have to take a shower and change to go eat at the caf, so we ordered Pandas, and Erin, Alyssa, and Loma went and got it. I've got some awesome friends. They came back, we watched some tv, and that's about all I remember for the most part. Loma and I went out and rode our bikes (well I rode mine and she rode Erin's). We rode it all over campus. It had been so long since I'd ridden my bike, it felt great! I worked a bit on the poster, although when I got done, I hated it. So I made a run up to WM around midnight. It's amazing how difficult it is to spray paint a poster when it's blowing who knows how many MPH. It was quite funny though, cause the wind actually blew the poster out of my hands, so Loma had to chase it down. Should have seen that.

Friday, I got up in time for my first class, tired, but I got up. Loma and I went to get Chicken Express for lunch. I ate at the front desk while Erin worked. As soon as I got done, I went back up to work on the poster. I decided that the hard spray painting work that we had done the night before wasn't good enough. So I went back outside to the windy outodoors to spray paint the other side. Should have seen me begging God to tone down the wind. Funny, huh? I finally finished the poster about an hour later. It isn't something huge, but hey, it gets the info out to the women. Me, Charlie, Erin, and Loma drove out to Rockwall in the evening to Petsmart to buy fishies. Erin and I now have a Love Pet. They are so cute...and if they would stay still, you'd see a picture of them. Oh well. We got back around 11 just to realize that we didn't have an oxygen pump in the tank. LOL. So Charlie and I went out to WM to get the last few things needed to make our fishies lives as comfy as possible. He got done putting the stuff together around midnight. I went with him to his room to put the retreat flyers on my jump drive, cause they were on his laptop. We started googleing the death of some girl that had jumped from his room from the 11th floor in the early 90's, because story has it that she hangs around his room and on that floor. We didn't find anything, so he and I went to check out William Mayo's gravesite which is on campus. He's the founder of TAMU-Commerce, well actually East Texas Normal College. Afterwards, we went to the family housing office to finish the flyer fix something on the flyer for retreat. We didn't get back until 3, which was great cause I only had to get up at 7 this morning to drive to Coppell to meet with the retreat speaker.

Needless to say, I woke up thirty minutes after my proposed departure time from Commerce. So I rushed. But it was okay, because I made it to Coppell on time. Only problem, got lost. How does someone get lost looking for a S'bucks? I never thought that would be possible...but it is when Belt Line in Coppell goes three different ways. Anyway...I made on time to meet with Jackie. She was great! I drove back in the rain to church to finish something up. Went home and did nothing but played on my computer...and now here I am, trying to recall everything I did this week.

Now don't lecture PLEASEEEEE as to my sleeping in and waking up late, and being tired....I'm working on going to bed early. Although that didn't happen tonight...hehe...

You like?

How do you like me going from this color hair...





to this one?

New color coming soon!

I'm going to color my hair all one color in a few minutes. It's a bit scary! I never know what color it's going to come out. But we'll have to see....I'd actually rather be sleeping, but this is the only time that Alyssa (friend not roomie) has time to do it. And actually, the even scarier thought is that she hasn't done this, if I'm remembering correctly. But whatever, wouldn't hurt her to learn how to do it. HAHA!

New life, new sadness

I found out today that the person that I once called best friend had her baby today. The baby was born prematurely, but he has arrived. This moment should have been a joyful moment, to know that the baby was okay, that mom was okay, but I'm simply filled with sadness.

So many seem to have the thought that this person and I have remained friends throughout the time. She remained in Commerce, and I went home for the summer. But the friendship ended before the summer even began. And it's hard to explain the circumstances without giving details. What I can say is what another friend told me today, our" priorities just weren't matching up anymore". One of her priorities brought along this pregnancy.

All I can say is that I wonder if I, as a Christian, gave up on this friend. Should I have remained close to her, trying to shed some "light" on her, prayerfully trying to direct back to Christ? I know why I let the friendship slip away, but was it right for me to do that, knowing that she was no longer following Christ, but her own path?

How long does one stay in a situation in which sin causes grief? Is that really what is happening today, my heart continues to grieve because of the changes in this friend, the loss of focus on Christ? Or am I grieving because this friendshp is no more, and I feel that I cannot rejoice in knowing that a new life has arrived into this world, 2 months early, but he has arrived?

I am so confused....tears just fall down my face as I think about this situation once again...was I wrong?

I Am Responsible....

I am responsible for protecting my relationship with Christ.

Constantly self evalaute, "Am I protecting my relationship with the Lord, my Savior?

If not, what must I change? "

These are the words that a friend told me to put up on my wall on Sunday at church. She said, "Make certain that it is in big letters, somewhere where you can always see it. Constantly read it, and evaluate where your personal relationship w/Christ stands." What caused this...

I was running around Sunday morning at church copying flyers for the women's retreat, copying VIP lists, sorting out the VIP list, speaking with people regarding VIP changes, speaking to retreat team members regarding retreat, and going into the nursery to play with Maggie. This friend saw all of this, and decided to sit with me in the nursery and have a talk with me.

She asked me to name the many things that I do at church. As I listed, she said, "So besides all that, you live out in Commerce, you drive back every Sunday for the nursery and church (which is great), and you work in Garland/Rockwall, and do school work during the week, and help out with youth on Tuesday nights (when you can drive back)...and what about your personal study?"

I was left speechless with that last question. I haven't opened up my Bible since that last study I did through the book of James in late July, early August. I've been so busy thinking about the things that I have to do, catch up on, assignments that I have to write, the time I have to be at work....my mind is running so much on the "have to do" list that I've neglected the have to do no matter what list...stay in God's word!

A couple of other things were mentioned that made me wonder if I've lost sight of why I'm serving in "so many ways" at church. I'm still praying through all of those thoughts, should I give up a thing or two, or do I simply need to set myself straight with my Savior so that he knows that I am doing everything for him, and not for my own satisfaction.

Overall, it was very convicting the things that we talked about. But in the end, I truly appreciated her telling me the things that she did. I think that if she hadn't, I would have continued on the path that I was on, and would have neglected the most important thing, my personal relationship with Christ. So I did what she told me to do, I got on my computer today and printed out those words in nice and big letters:

"I am responsible for protecting my relationship with Christ.
Constantly self evalaute, "Am I protecting my relationship with the Lord, my Savior?
If not, what must I change?"

Are there things that need to change, most definitely. One of them being that I need to stay in the Word day in and day out. It's what directs my life, and without it, I'm walking around aimlessly saying yes to everything, not protecting that special relationship. I shall always look at it, and remember that only I can protect my relationship with Christ, not my boss, not my professors, not the people at church, but ME!

My memories of 9/11

Have you heard those two numbers together enough times, yet? I always said that I wouldn't be one of those, "I remember that day..." but I have to be this morning.

9/11/2001 - I graduated a couple of months before hand, and had just started a full time job as a receptionist. I had arrived to the office and met with Stacie, a co-worker. We were waiting for John to open up the office for us. As he got out of his car, he said, "Have you heard!" I had heard something on the news through the radio, but I hadn't understood the magnitude. We had a TV in the office that we never turned on. John actually stopped by the store to buy an antenna. We immediately plugged it into the tv and turned it on. There they were, the images of two towers, smoke coming out of them, and images repeating constantly of planes hitting them. I still didn't understand how serious it was.

John told us to go home, he didn't even tell me to call and cancel all of his appointments. I drove straight home, this time listening a bit more to the news on the radio. When I got home, I turned on my television to watch the news. As I was turning on the television, it happened, the first tower came tumbling down. All I could imagine was the desperation of all those people trapped on top. I envisioned being one of those, what could possibly be going through my mind? What could have been going through their minds? Did they know their ultimate fate? Before I knew it, the second tower came down.

From that moment on, I was glued to the TV. My mom arrived around 3 pm that day from work. I ran out to her car, "Have you heard? Did you see? Can you believe that? What if another plane is somewhere else?" She could not believe it herself the events of that morning. She immediately sat down to watch the re-plays of the towers.

I did not eat dinner that night, or breakfast that following morning, or lunch...John closed the office for the rest of the week, so I didn't have to worry about work. All I did was sit in front of the television. I remember that first night, I watched the news like I had never watched it before. I went from one channel to the next every two or three minutes, making certain I hadn't missed any information. I did not sleep for almost 24 hours straight! I had gotten up on the 11th at 6:30, and I didn't go to sleep until 5:00 am. My mom was getting ready for work when I finally fell asleep.

The days that followed were so long! One news report after another. Images of what is now known as Ground Zero were all over the news and newspapers. I was in shock the rest of that week over what happened. I had never in my life experienced anything like that. I had heard the stories of Pearl Harbor and World War II. Never in my life, did I imagine that I would live in a generation where so much hatred would be made so well known as it was on that morning. I now undestand a bit more what America must have felt when Pearl Harbor was hit unexpectedly. And that day, I learned the meaning of terror and terrorism.

Still, to this day, I do not understand the events of that day, just as many others. I had to fly out to Maryland in May. I'll be honest, thoughts of someone being on that plance, heading to Washington D.C./Dulles and planning something evil, was on my mind. You'd think that no one would be stupid enough to go for planes again, but obviously that's not the case when you think of what happened in Europe not long ago. But still, up to the days of me having to get on a plane at DFW to Dulles, fear was still living within me. There will always be a connection between airplanes and 9/11 for me now.

And as this day has just come and gon. It is sad to see the memorials where those twin towers once stood. I watched as a little boy, 5 maybe 6 years old, wrote a message on the memorial as a man held onto him. All I could think is, "How sad, that man has to raise his son, without that child ever knowing who his mother was." Perhaps that wasn't even the case, but those tears came rolling down my face in seconds.

Whitley held it's own memorial. At 9 pm, we lit up the building with the letters USA. I didn't know how good it would look, but when we drove down the road, it was pretty neat to look at.

So I leave with you my memories of that sad morning, and the image of Whitley hall and it's tribute to the victims of 9/11....

Wow! It's been a while...

A friend pointed out that it had been a while since I'd blogged....very true. I actually had three different blogs that I have been working on. But they are the types of blogs that you aren't certain you want everyone reading, so I decided to delete those. I think I used them more to think through some things that have been going on, sort of like a personal journal.

Anyway....God has once again shown me his mighty power of providing! I found out earlier this week that my financial aid was given back to me. The week before, I found out that the book loan was granted to me as well. The book loan was a glimpse as to God's provision. But when I received the email stating, "The Financial Aid Committe has approved your appeal for financial aid..." you cannot imagine the praise I was giving to my God. (I'll share him with you if you like) :)

Well, I'm about to start the third week of school. I received my last order of books on Friday at work (the only reason I went in...lol). You should see my window, 16 books looks more like 30! I had to go out today and buy a bookshelf to put my books at because my window looked cluttered.

Frederick Douglass and Harriet Jacobs are the topic of conversation for African-American Lit. I must say, it's interesting to hear some of the African-American girls speak up when certain points are brought up in class. I think that's one reason why I'm enjoying the class more than anything.

American Lit, well it's just interesting. I love how the professor is open to so many different ideas.

Discipline of English has been sooooo easy. This is one of the two online courses I'm taking. The readings are nice and short. The longest assignments right now are reading responses, which I love because they are pretty much all about our own opinions. And it's focusing on writing, and how to teach it. That's what I think I'm going into for the time being, so I'm enjoying it.

Then theres Contemporary Women Writers, second online coourse. First book we're reading: "Reload: Rethinking Women and Cyberculture". Oh my goodness, I picked up the book on Monday to read it for my assignment on Wednesday. I kid you not, the terminology is insane. I think Teske might have been able to explain it to me better than webster did one word at a time. It was something about cyborgs, cyberculture, cyberpunk, cyberfeminism, and scientist calling themselves "God". That last part was the one thing I was able to understand very clearly. Then there was a story about a human brain used to run a ship? What in the world is that all about!?!?!? I'm ready to move past this book! I can't even do my responses because I have no clue what I'm writing about.

There is one good side to the class. We are doing a major paper, couldn't really tell you what it's about because I don't really understand it. I think the point is to research an author (female) or woman in any media as long as literature is involved somehow. The professor asked a few questions to give us ideas as to what to focus on. She told me, "You might want to look for women writers in theology, women who write about Christianity through essays, memoirs, autobiographical work, etc." So I asked a couple of people, and they both mentioned Dorothy Sayers, so that's who I stuck with. I went into a database to get some info, and I must admit, I'm excited about this part of the CWW class. I think it's the only part I'm excited about right now. :)

Besides that, all is okay. My last official day at work was this past Friday. Finally, no more driving back to Garland during the week. Now I can actually join my friends for lunch and dinner. And I'll have some free time to focus on retreat. Haven't been doing much of that lately, and it's starting to catch up with me! Then it will be back to work sometime between the 1st and 15th of October. There is an opportunity for me to work across from the school at a daycare, but I don't know. I struggle with calling my boss and saying, "Hey, all that time I bugged you to tell me when the school would be opening, and telling you I wanted to come back, and you working with me in every way, well that's all pointless now cause I'm working in Commerce. Won't be coming back." What to do, what to do???? While I decide, we'll see what intersting things will be happening in my life!

Oh, and don't be surprised if you happen to come across some new Bible questions. A friend prompted me to do some studying on a few words. Long story for you to understand where that came from, that story would be in those blogs you aren't going to read (ha-ha). But I'm very much looking forward to doing another deep study of God's word! Be ready to answer questions!!!

So, Brownie, how's this for an update??? :-p

Learning to trust....

My first week in Commerce is over, except for the fact that I have tons of reading to do. But it is over! This week has been one of the stressful, yet most teaching weeks for me. (couldn't think of a better way to say it).

A day before payment for tuition was due, I found out that I was denied my financial aid, this was last Thursday. I had already seen my loans come through, but within 24 hrs, they were taken right back. So imagine where my head was at. I had no money for books, no money to pay tuition. So I had to fill out forms for emergency loans. I still had to wait a week to find out anything. This situation took over everything pretty much, what I thought of, what I focused on, what worried me(although I shouldn't have).

So anyway, my classes started on Monday. My first class was American Literature. The professor is great! She is funny, not serious all the time, jokes around every once in a while. And we're talking about the Puritans, and how they affected literature as they traveled to the New World, and how Calvanists had a big part in religion and their beliefs and tons more. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to do any of my readings because I don't have my books yet for the class.

My next class was African American Literature. We really haven't figured out how the class is actually going to be. The prof. is constantly talking about a presentation that we all have to do, when it's due, what to expect, and a new blog that he set up for the class (yay!). We were supposed to talk about the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Doulgass, but thank goodness we didn't, because I still didn't have my book to read it. (An honest excuse I might add.)

All goes the same for my two online classes, Contemporary Women Writers and Discipline of English. The books weren't such a problem as it was to simply figure out how to work around the eCollege program. It's so confusing. I think I understand it maybe 35%. Ha-ha!

All week long, I tried figuring out if I had gotten loas or not. All I was able to find out was that I received a book loan on Friday. So I'm going to check and see if the bookstore is open today so I can get two books I need (if they have them). This money situation was a last minute thing. I didn't know what to do, who to go to, or anything. All I could think was to immediately email all my friends and ask them to pray. And they did! But it was difficult to know that all I could do about it was pray.

I have to say that God was teaching me a HUGE lesson here! I found out about the money on a Thursday evening. I got up and left to Commerce at around 7:30 the following morning, thinking I could figure it out and get my money back right away. I guess I thought that it had to be a misunderstanding. They tell me that it was because I dropped a class, and the ladies gave me no hope. I had to fill out an appeal, but they kept being negative about it. In the mean time, I filled out an emergency loan application for books and tuition. I wouldn't find out about the emergency loan for another two weeks, the book loan in a week, and the appeal in two weeks. So I had to be PATIENT (ha-ha, something Erin and I worked on yesterday). I filled out everything that I could and had to, got in my car, and drove back to work.

When I pulled into Garland, about 10 minutes away from my work, I started hearing, "What restores our faith in God? What reveals the Father's love? What can lead the wayward home? What can melt a heart of stone? What can free the guilty ones What can save and overcome? Overcome...." (Mighty is the Power of the Cross by Chris Tomlin) I just began to cry. I realized how much I had doubted the One that had my situation in control. As much as I prayed, I realized that I still tried to take control of the situation instead of allowing Him to show me what he wanted. And when I saw what I had been doing in the last 24 hrs; I asked for some major forgiveness and said, "It's all in your hands!" I have to admit, the peace that I felt after turning it all to God, amazing.

At times throughout the week, I struggled with not knowing where the money was going to come from. I knew I had help for my books because a sweet friend offered to help me out. Took advantage of that the first day of class! But throughout the week, I received phonecalls, "If you need money for school, for anything, give us a call! Don't hesitate!" "When do you need to pay your tuition? Let us know so we can help you out." "Call us as soon as you find out if you need money or not." I was amazed. Again, God was showing me that he knows what he's doing. My trust in our heavenly Father has grown to such great lengths, I can't even tell you.

I am reminded of a couple of verses that Lance taught 3/4 weeks ago, James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brother, whenever (meaning they will come) you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverace must finish its works so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I can't lack anything when my faith is truly in Christ!

No longer a baby...

This is Jasmine 4 years ago...

And this is Jasmine today...

on her first day of pre-K. I was fortunate enough to get to take her to school on the first day and for her first time ever, she is after all my goddaughter, so mom had no choice but to let me! :-)

It was a very exciting morning. I went to her house around 11 am. The minute I walked in the door, she runs up screaming, "Nina, I'm going to school today!" The excitement in her voice just made me smile from one end of my face to the other. Then along comes Aly (2 y.o.) saying the same thing, "Nina, I'm going to go to school today!" I didn't have the heart to say, "No you're not sweetie."

11:50 came around in no time. I went out to my car and got my camera, I had to take pictures of this great moment. We then got in the car and headed for her school. She rememered the way, her mom and dad had taken her to see it last Thursday. She kept saying, "Keep going straight...keep going straight...keep going straight....turn here." It was so funny, especially since I knew where the school was at.

We pulled up to the drop off lane, and I started to feel some emotions creeping inside of me. I was finally able to see the young assistants that walk up to the cars and pull the kids out and take them to their class. As our turn came around for one of the girls to come and take Jasmine out of the car, I turned around and tried helping her get her Princess backpack on. The door opens, and she's as ready as could be to get out of the car. She stands up, gives me a big kiss and hug, says I love you, and runs into the school.

I found my way out of the drop off lane and onto 5th where I can head straight to work. Suddenly the tears began to roll down my face. I've seen Jasmine as my baby since the day she was born. I went with mom to all her appointments, was at the hospital when Jasmine was born, took Jasmine to all her check-ups, and have just been a part of her life from day one. Last year we had a big Princess birthday party for her. We started talking to her about getting ready for school this year, and the excitement has been in her ever since. But for me, I still saw her as my baby that wasn't ready to be sitting in a classroom with a teacher teaching her the A,B,C's, and 1,2,3's. And to suddenly see her walking into such a "big" school and into her school as excited and proud as she could be, well I couln't help but realize that she isn't a baby anymore!

And here is the funny part...she isn't my child! Now if I got that emotional simply by leaving my goddaughter/niece at school on her first day of pre-K, imagine what it will be like when it is my own child I'm having to leave at school for the first time!

Early morning for a non-early riser!

School started up today for Garland ISD. The youth and a couple of parents gathered at the church last night to pray for those returning, homeschool parents, teachers, and administrators. I had everyone leave by 9 so they could go home and get their rest, as well as mine. I had made plans for the early morning hours.

I woke up at 5:30, made a special run to S'bucks, then headed over to the house of one of the youth. She had expressed the anxiety she feels on the first day, and we decided to get together to pray. I watched as she got ready to head out. She walked at least five times back and forth to her backpack thinking, "Do I have everything?" And every time she did that, I'd say, "You've got it all. It's going to be okay. You've got it all under control even though you don't know it." 7 am rolled around and mom was busy taking a picture of her getting in her car. We prayed while mom looked for batteries.

She headed out to school, which would have been 5 minutes down the road if there wasn't any traffic. But it was past 7 am, and the traffic was crazy. She was supposed to be there at 7:30...that didn't happen. But she was calm and relaxed as she sat in traffic. I was in my car standing still in traffic next to her. :-)

I headed home and put clothes in the washer. We're back to scrubs now that the school year has started. I only have to worry about work clothes for 4 days, since I'll be in Commerce on Wednesday. I grabbed some coffee and cereal and sat down to read Sandi's book, False Positive. I'd picked it up once before and begun reading it, but wasn't able to finish it. I looked at the clock and it was only 7:45. I read another thirty minutes before deciding to go make another run at S'bucks. S'bucks can be such an encouragement for a homeschool mother that is all about chocolate ;) (isn't that right, j?).

So I went and dropped off the encouragement drink while J was in the shower. Her kids were all excited, "Is it a surprise? Does she know about it? Can we tell her?" I quickly walked out and came back home.

Now I'm just sitting here thinking of what my next move will be? Perhaps work on my Genesis study, or read more of False Positive, perhaps read a little out of The Angel by James H. Pence, finish washing clothes, or maybe just go back to sleep for another hour. It's only 9 am, but I am exhausted!

One final note: My 4 year goddaughter, Jasmine, is starting pre-k today. I'm so excited. I get to take her to school this week. I can already see it, camera in hand, taking pictures of her putting on her backpack, getting into the car, out of the car, into the school...if only they'd let us walk them into the classroom. (*tear)