Good opportunity or not?

The last two nights, I've struggled with falling asleep. Tuesday night, I finally got to bed around 11:15, and as heavy as my eyes felt, I just couldn't go to sleep. I could say that it was all the yelling that the neighbors were doing, or all the people screaming and running down the hall, but that wasn't the case. I just simply couldn't go to sleep. When I finally saw that it was 1, 2, 3 am, I thought about getting up and making me some tea to help me sleep, but everytime the thought came through my mind my eyes would feel heavy. I thought I'd fall asleep, but NO! Same thing happened Wednesday night. Both nights: heavy eyes, restless mind. Why? Could be somethings I've been thinking about.

I received an email earlier this week from a friend. My heart was saddened by it, and I couldn't help but think of this friend. I wished I could do more, but in reality, I probably wouldn't be the answer (not that I think high and mighty about myself). Only God could have a solution to this matter, so I've placed it in his hands and have prayed about it, and continue to.

Then there was the reality of facing life. My roommate was quiet all day Monday. The girls and I tried to cheer her up throughout the day, but nothing would work. She finally came out Tuesday night and told me that she was unhappy, unhappy living in Commerce, and unhappy with where she was going with her education. She had chosen a major in one thing, when her heart was set on something else. She shared her fears of letting her family and friends down because of this. This made me think of my situation...

For 21/22 years, I said that I wanted to be a teacher. I sort of glued that into my parents mind. Now for the past year or two, I've spoken so much about seminary and wanting to attend DTS. My parents think that I'm going to school to be an elementary teacher, when that desire left my heart a couple of years ago. I haven't found a way to tell them that teaching is no longer something I want to do. I was challenged once by a friend with the thought, "What's more important, the fear of man or the fear of not doing what God has placed in your heart and more than likely is telling you that that is what he wants for your life?"

My degree audit states: Bachelor of Arts with a major in English and a minor in Secondary Certification. Why did I decide to go for this? Because I considered teaching writing (it gives me a job while doing seminary if I'm able to do it). I'm enjoying the classes I'm taking, with the exception of one. As someone has told me, I'll be "educated" when I get done, and especially after all the reading that I'm doing. But I still question if I'm should stick with this.

My heart is set on ministry. From what many have told me, ministry won't get me through life. All I can say is the same that I used to say about being a teacher, "It's not the money that matters to me, it's what I enjoy!" DTS is all I can really think about. I'd much rather be in an "Intro to Theology" course, instead of "Contemporary Women Writers" in which we are talking about a genre in which I can't help but want to close my book and burn!

Last year, at retreat, I found out that DTS offers a degree in "Media Arts in Ministry". Ever since, I've loved the idea of going through this program. I question though, if I should be doing something differently in school right now to prepare me for it.

Well guess what I found out today??? I was so stressed with thinking about all of this, that I decided to do some searching in TAMU-C's catalog, as well as other schools I've thought about transferring to. As I went from UT-Tyler, UT-El Paso, UT-Dallas, and back to TAMU-C's website, I discovered that TAMU-C offers a degree in "Pre-Theological Studies". Seeing this in the catalog was a shocker! I had seen the courses "Intro to Old Testament", "Life of Paul", and "Life of Christ", and wondered what was up with that. I had no idea that there was a bigger purpose behind them offering these courses. I was more than willing to sign up for those courses when I saw they existed in the summer, but they weren't on my track for my degree.

So now I am trying to decide...do I stick with my current degree plan? Or do I change it to "Pre-Theological Studies"? I know what I want to do...question is what is the best decision? And will I be able to sleep tonight???

Don't seek Him and what do I get?

Today I reached the point of feeling homesick. Erin went to Dallas to see Johndavid. Loma, who knows where in the world that girl is at. Sophie, poor thing, she's been studying so many hours that she hasn't gotten any sleep, so that's what she's been doing all afternoon long. And Alyssa is in Denton seeing Frank. So I'm pretty much alone.

But that isn't what has driven me to this point. I've kept myself pretty busy throughout the week, whether it be with trying to stay on top of my reading assignments to playing racquetball with Erin. That's been sooooo much fun! And I've got the rest of the girls, but I can't help miss everyone at home. I miss the Women's bible study and Thursday nights with Cru (Campus Crusades). Even if I drove back on Thursday nights to Cru, it wouldn't be the same because all of my friends have moved to El Paso, Denton, Colorado, South Texas, or other places. And it's so sad talking to them on the phone cause it makes me want to run up to them and hug them and just sit and watch movies with them or whatever, but I can't. And with the women, just that Spiritual connection, the Spiritual growth. I long for that so bad! I long for someone to walk with me and I don't know, help me grow in my relationship with Christ, for a lack of better words. I'm missing those times when J and I would get together, do a Bible study , and just discuss God's word and how to apply it in our lives, etc...

That could be another thing that has made me feel homesick. I was mentioning this to someone earlier. I've been so busy trying to catch up and keep up with the school work, that I haven't made time to read my Bible. And I noticed that when that happens, I'm not happy. Erin (roomie) asked me several times last week, "What's wrong?" I couldn't point to one thing in particular. The sad feeling gets to the point to where at times I just want to cry. So...

I started reading my Bible again this week. I set up my schedule to where no matter what, I'm off the computer by 9:00-9:30, read my Bible for at least 30 minutes, and go to bed by 10/10:30. I've been journaling the things that I've read, what I feel God has spoken through his Word. And I have to say, praying and talking to him after reading his Word, I feel so much closer to Him. There was even a point where in my prayer, I simply told him that I needed a hug from him. Now how cool is that!

It's just been neat to see how much I truly do depend on God, and need Him, to be happy. And I shared this prayer request with this friend, and I share it with whoever else reads this. My load at school has been huge! I've finally been able to catch up a bit. But because I have so much reading that I have to do, reading God's Word has just felt like something extra that can "wait". But I now have seen that it can't, and it shouldn't. So pray that I see everyday how much I need to be in God's Word, how much I need it, how much I need Him, and that I continue to make that special time for Him everyday! Oh, and pray that I find a job! :)

Very random...no seriously, VERY RANDOM!

I wish I was 5 years old again, playing with Jennifer, my friend from down the street.
I wish I could be in Mexico, enjoying the beautiful sight of the moutains and trees.
I wish I could be at the lake and close my eyes and feel the breeze as it slowly hits my face.
I wish I could get in my car and drive to El Paso, and go up Scenic Drive in the middle of the night and just look at how beautiful it looks with all it's city lights....and then continue driving until I get to California.
I wish I could get on a plane and just fly...admiring the clouds, the sun, the sky.
I wish I could have some chocholate...chocolate cake, chocolate ice-cream, brownies. :-)
I wish it was raining...
I wish it was raining, and I could sit in front of the tv and watch movies all day.
I wish I could get on a horse and just ride it all day.
I wish my best friend was 5 minutes away, and not 20 hours away.
I wish I had money.
I wish I didn't have papers to write.
I wish I didn't have books to read.
I wish I could be free and do everything that crosses my mind, with nothing being impossible!
I wish I could be a kid again.......

Much better!

This week has been a pretty good week! I rode my bike to school just about every day! GO ME! It was actually tons of fun doing that. I no longer have a job, so I want to save up as much gas as I can throughout the week.

It's such a relaxing feeling to get up on a bike, and ride with nothing but the sun and breeze hitting you. I have to say that that is what has made me feel so stress-free this week. I felt like a kid again...it was great!

Oh, and Erin (the roommie) taught me to play raquetball last night. We had so much fun. I can't tell you how many times I screamed because I thought the ball was going to hit me. And let me tell you, there were moments where I thought we were playing tackle football instead of raquetball. But I got my work-out! My arms and legs and even abs were soar today, it was crazy.

I've been sleeping so much better too. I've had J's "lectures" in mind about sleeping, so I've made it a point to not go to bed past 12:30, since I get up at 8:30. Hey, it's a lot better than staying up until 3 am...and I must say, I have felt so much better when I get up in the mornings, with more energy. I even go through my morning routine with enough time to grab something to eat for breakfast before walking out of the door. It's great.

And the best part of all, I'm catching up on my school work. I was almost three weeks behind on my Contemporary Women's Writers class. I spent about about ten hours between yesterday and today trying to catch up. The prof actually gave us an Amnesty week. She admitted that she gave us too much to do in such little time. You have no idea how happy I was to receive that email. So I've submitted about 8 assignments; I left the 4 longer ones for the rest of this weekend. I'm not certain where to do the research, so I might be making phonecalls this weekend. But I'm hoping to have them all submitted by Sunday, the due date. That leaves me with one easy response paper due to my Discipline of English prof on Sunday as well. I might do that one tonight to get it out of the way.

And I had two tests this week. I gotta say, I know I passed one and failed the other. My American Lit test was very easy, everything we discussed in class was on the test. Now African-American Lit was the one I probably failed. The prof made the test so hard, very analytical. I hated it. Half the questions I didn't understand. We'd ask him to explain, and he'd actually make it a bit worse. But that's fine, this is one test out of 3 total. Which means I really have to do good on the next two, which I hope I can manage.

And last but not least, I called Blue Ivey yesterday and told them that I wouldn't be working at the new school after all. It was part of my stress, the thought of having to drive 35 minutes to Rockwall and 35 minutes back to Commerce, having to leave at least at 11:15 to make certain that I arrived by noon, then not getting back to Commerce until around 7 which meant I'd have to work on twice as much school work in the week seeing that my assignments are due at 6 pm on Wed. and Fri., I wouldn't be able to eat dinner until 9, I'd be exhausted, it was just tooooooooo much to think about. And they didn't keep their end of the bargain, we'd agreed that I'd get called as soon as they needed help at the new school. Apparently, they'd been working at the school for the last two weeks. At first I was very upset, but then I took it as a sign from God that I shouldn't continue with the idea of working there. So I quit. I'm hoping to get a job on campus. It wouldn't pay much, minimum wage, but that's okay, because I know that my hours would be no more than 20 per week, which would still allow me to focus on school work more than work. And it would be a campus job, and every student that I've seen working is usually doing school work while at work. How cool would that be! So if anything, would you pray that I can get a job on campus, if not something near by?

I think I'm finally setting my priorities in the right place! Can't help but be proud of myself, and thank God for giving me a bit of wisdom on what to be doing right now! And of course, I have to give credit to my buddies that have been so awesome and have been praying.

That's my week for ya...wonder what next week will be like. Hopefully even better than this week, guess we'll have to wait and see....

A glance at my blurry week...

I will probably ramble on, just because this is my way of thinking through my week...so feel free to skip over this one.

This week has felt like such a blur. Erin went home with me last weekend, that was fun! We went to the aquarium on Sunday. That's when I found out about C having the baby. I drove back to Commerce not knowing how to feel. I got back to quickly do one of my assignments for Discipline of English. Wait...I may not have done it. I should probably check on that.

I slept in on Monday, didn't go to either of my classes. I had the full intention of going, but I was too tired to get up. So I slept until about noon. Erin got back and we decided to go get some Panda's. I missed eating real food! I don't really remember the rest of the afternoon.

Tuesday, I was supposed to meet with Heather at 9 am, but once again, I over slept. So I arrived an hour late. Whoops! It's a good thing she's understanding. She's got a good list of songs going for retreat. I debated all morning if going to visit C or not, so I went up to the church to work on some stuff. I stayed up there for most of the day. I hadn't eatten anything, so I stopped by Wendy's and got me a sandwich. I couldn't even think about returning to Commerce knowing that C and the baby were at the hospital, so I drove up to Baylor. C actually looked happy to see me. She immediately took me to see the baby. I didn't think that I'd be able to touch him, but she opened up the opening right away and told me to touch him. I hesitated and told her not just yet. But he was too cute, so I eventually did touch him. He was so tiny, but so big! Tiny little hands with long fingers, cute little ears, head full of hair, he was just cute. We went back to the room and "talked" for about 30 minutes. Her boyfriend was there, so we couldn't really talk. As soon as T arrived, I left. I made a sudden decision, which I know was best for T, and told her to not worry about retreat stuff...she's got enough on her plate. So as I drove home, I sat there wondering who was going to take care of publicitiy...I shall never forget that quick decisions shouldn't be made so quickly. I had planned on getting back in time to eat dinner with everyone, and if I remember correctly, I did. lol. The four of us went to eat dinner. Alyssa said she'd help put a poster together for retreat, so we ended up going to Wal-Mart to look at the craft section. We also went to get hair dye for my hair. We were planning on doing my hair, but I took my sweet time at Wal-Mart.

Wednesday morning, I had decided that I would be going to class. Low and behold, I was exhausted in the morning, so I turned off my alarm several times. Here's the funny part. I woke up and saw that it was 8:35, and I thought, "Oh crap, it's almost 10. I've missed my first class. My next class starts in 25 minutes. I don't have enough time to shower!" So I quickly changed clothes, got my hair up and ran out the door, literally thinking it was fixing to be 10 am. And as I was walking up to the sidewalk between the Journalism building and Ed South, I realized, "Wait, it's only 9!!!" So I turned around and walked to the Journalism building. I was half asleep in class, but I was there! After class, I my second class, I was too tired to go eat lunch, so I went back to my room. I talked to my Brownie for a bit :-), was able to get several thoughts regarding Sunday/Tuesday straight in my head and in my heart (well, for the most part in my head). Afterwards, Aylssa was going to do my hair, but I laid down on my bed and fell asleep for about 2 hours. As soon as I got up, se did my hair and went to class. I vaguely remember what we did for dinner.

Thursday was another sleep in day for me. I have to say it was another Panda's day for us! I didn't want to have to take a shower and change to go eat at the caf, so we ordered Pandas, and Erin, Alyssa, and Loma went and got it. I've got some awesome friends. They came back, we watched some tv, and that's about all I remember for the most part. Loma and I went out and rode our bikes (well I rode mine and she rode Erin's). We rode it all over campus. It had been so long since I'd ridden my bike, it felt great! I worked a bit on the poster, although when I got done, I hated it. So I made a run up to WM around midnight. It's amazing how difficult it is to spray paint a poster when it's blowing who knows how many MPH. It was quite funny though, cause the wind actually blew the poster out of my hands, so Loma had to chase it down. Should have seen that.

Friday, I got up in time for my first class, tired, but I got up. Loma and I went to get Chicken Express for lunch. I ate at the front desk while Erin worked. As soon as I got done, I went back up to work on the poster. I decided that the hard spray painting work that we had done the night before wasn't good enough. So I went back outside to the windy outodoors to spray paint the other side. Should have seen me begging God to tone down the wind. Funny, huh? I finally finished the poster about an hour later. It isn't something huge, but hey, it gets the info out to the women. Me, Charlie, Erin, and Loma drove out to Rockwall in the evening to Petsmart to buy fishies. Erin and I now have a Love Pet. They are so cute...and if they would stay still, you'd see a picture of them. Oh well. We got back around 11 just to realize that we didn't have an oxygen pump in the tank. LOL. So Charlie and I went out to WM to get the last few things needed to make our fishies lives as comfy as possible. He got done putting the stuff together around midnight. I went with him to his room to put the retreat flyers on my jump drive, cause they were on his laptop. We started googleing the death of some girl that had jumped from his room from the 11th floor in the early 90's, because story has it that she hangs around his room and on that floor. We didn't find anything, so he and I went to check out William Mayo's gravesite which is on campus. He's the founder of TAMU-Commerce, well actually East Texas Normal College. Afterwards, we went to the family housing office to finish the flyer fix something on the flyer for retreat. We didn't get back until 3, which was great cause I only had to get up at 7 this morning to drive to Coppell to meet with the retreat speaker.

Needless to say, I woke up thirty minutes after my proposed departure time from Commerce. So I rushed. But it was okay, because I made it to Coppell on time. Only problem, got lost. How does someone get lost looking for a S'bucks? I never thought that would be possible...but it is when Belt Line in Coppell goes three different ways. Anyway...I made on time to meet with Jackie. She was great! I drove back in the rain to church to finish something up. Went home and did nothing but played on my computer...and now here I am, trying to recall everything I did this week.

Now don't lecture PLEASEEEEE as to my sleeping in and waking up late, and being tired....I'm working on going to bed early. Although that didn't happen tonight...hehe...

You like?

How do you like me going from this color hair...





to this one?

New color coming soon!

I'm going to color my hair all one color in a few minutes. It's a bit scary! I never know what color it's going to come out. But we'll have to see....I'd actually rather be sleeping, but this is the only time that Alyssa (friend not roomie) has time to do it. And actually, the even scarier thought is that she hasn't done this, if I'm remembering correctly. But whatever, wouldn't hurt her to learn how to do it. HAHA!

New life, new sadness

I found out today that the person that I once called best friend had her baby today. The baby was born prematurely, but he has arrived. This moment should have been a joyful moment, to know that the baby was okay, that mom was okay, but I'm simply filled with sadness.

So many seem to have the thought that this person and I have remained friends throughout the time. She remained in Commerce, and I went home for the summer. But the friendship ended before the summer even began. And it's hard to explain the circumstances without giving details. What I can say is what another friend told me today, our" priorities just weren't matching up anymore". One of her priorities brought along this pregnancy.

All I can say is that I wonder if I, as a Christian, gave up on this friend. Should I have remained close to her, trying to shed some "light" on her, prayerfully trying to direct back to Christ? I know why I let the friendship slip away, but was it right for me to do that, knowing that she was no longer following Christ, but her own path?

How long does one stay in a situation in which sin causes grief? Is that really what is happening today, my heart continues to grieve because of the changes in this friend, the loss of focus on Christ? Or am I grieving because this friendshp is no more, and I feel that I cannot rejoice in knowing that a new life has arrived into this world, 2 months early, but he has arrived?

I am so confused....tears just fall down my face as I think about this situation once again...was I wrong?

I Am Responsible....

I am responsible for protecting my relationship with Christ.

Constantly self evalaute, "Am I protecting my relationship with the Lord, my Savior?

If not, what must I change? "

These are the words that a friend told me to put up on my wall on Sunday at church. She said, "Make certain that it is in big letters, somewhere where you can always see it. Constantly read it, and evaluate where your personal relationship w/Christ stands." What caused this...

I was running around Sunday morning at church copying flyers for the women's retreat, copying VIP lists, sorting out the VIP list, speaking with people regarding VIP changes, speaking to retreat team members regarding retreat, and going into the nursery to play with Maggie. This friend saw all of this, and decided to sit with me in the nursery and have a talk with me.

She asked me to name the many things that I do at church. As I listed, she said, "So besides all that, you live out in Commerce, you drive back every Sunday for the nursery and church (which is great), and you work in Garland/Rockwall, and do school work during the week, and help out with youth on Tuesday nights (when you can drive back)...and what about your personal study?"

I was left speechless with that last question. I haven't opened up my Bible since that last study I did through the book of James in late July, early August. I've been so busy thinking about the things that I have to do, catch up on, assignments that I have to write, the time I have to be at work....my mind is running so much on the "have to do" list that I've neglected the have to do no matter what list...stay in God's word!

A couple of other things were mentioned that made me wonder if I've lost sight of why I'm serving in "so many ways" at church. I'm still praying through all of those thoughts, should I give up a thing or two, or do I simply need to set myself straight with my Savior so that he knows that I am doing everything for him, and not for my own satisfaction.

Overall, it was very convicting the things that we talked about. But in the end, I truly appreciated her telling me the things that she did. I think that if she hadn't, I would have continued on the path that I was on, and would have neglected the most important thing, my personal relationship with Christ. So I did what she told me to do, I got on my computer today and printed out those words in nice and big letters:

"I am responsible for protecting my relationship with Christ.
Constantly self evalaute, "Am I protecting my relationship with the Lord, my Savior?
If not, what must I change?"

Are there things that need to change, most definitely. One of them being that I need to stay in the Word day in and day out. It's what directs my life, and without it, I'm walking around aimlessly saying yes to everything, not protecting that special relationship. I shall always look at it, and remember that only I can protect my relationship with Christ, not my boss, not my professors, not the people at church, but ME!

My memories of 9/11

Have you heard those two numbers together enough times, yet? I always said that I wouldn't be one of those, "I remember that day..." but I have to be this morning.

9/11/2001 - I graduated a couple of months before hand, and had just started a full time job as a receptionist. I had arrived to the office and met with Stacie, a co-worker. We were waiting for John to open up the office for us. As he got out of his car, he said, "Have you heard!" I had heard something on the news through the radio, but I hadn't understood the magnitude. We had a TV in the office that we never turned on. John actually stopped by the store to buy an antenna. We immediately plugged it into the tv and turned it on. There they were, the images of two towers, smoke coming out of them, and images repeating constantly of planes hitting them. I still didn't understand how serious it was.

John told us to go home, he didn't even tell me to call and cancel all of his appointments. I drove straight home, this time listening a bit more to the news on the radio. When I got home, I turned on my television to watch the news. As I was turning on the television, it happened, the first tower came tumbling down. All I could imagine was the desperation of all those people trapped on top. I envisioned being one of those, what could possibly be going through my mind? What could have been going through their minds? Did they know their ultimate fate? Before I knew it, the second tower came down.

From that moment on, I was glued to the TV. My mom arrived around 3 pm that day from work. I ran out to her car, "Have you heard? Did you see? Can you believe that? What if another plane is somewhere else?" She could not believe it herself the events of that morning. She immediately sat down to watch the re-plays of the towers.

I did not eat dinner that night, or breakfast that following morning, or lunch...John closed the office for the rest of the week, so I didn't have to worry about work. All I did was sit in front of the television. I remember that first night, I watched the news like I had never watched it before. I went from one channel to the next every two or three minutes, making certain I hadn't missed any information. I did not sleep for almost 24 hours straight! I had gotten up on the 11th at 6:30, and I didn't go to sleep until 5:00 am. My mom was getting ready for work when I finally fell asleep.

The days that followed were so long! One news report after another. Images of what is now known as Ground Zero were all over the news and newspapers. I was in shock the rest of that week over what happened. I had never in my life experienced anything like that. I had heard the stories of Pearl Harbor and World War II. Never in my life, did I imagine that I would live in a generation where so much hatred would be made so well known as it was on that morning. I now undestand a bit more what America must have felt when Pearl Harbor was hit unexpectedly. And that day, I learned the meaning of terror and terrorism.

Still, to this day, I do not understand the events of that day, just as many others. I had to fly out to Maryland in May. I'll be honest, thoughts of someone being on that plance, heading to Washington D.C./Dulles and planning something evil, was on my mind. You'd think that no one would be stupid enough to go for planes again, but obviously that's not the case when you think of what happened in Europe not long ago. But still, up to the days of me having to get on a plane at DFW to Dulles, fear was still living within me. There will always be a connection between airplanes and 9/11 for me now.

And as this day has just come and gon. It is sad to see the memorials where those twin towers once stood. I watched as a little boy, 5 maybe 6 years old, wrote a message on the memorial as a man held onto him. All I could think is, "How sad, that man has to raise his son, without that child ever knowing who his mother was." Perhaps that wasn't even the case, but those tears came rolling down my face in seconds.

Whitley held it's own memorial. At 9 pm, we lit up the building with the letters USA. I didn't know how good it would look, but when we drove down the road, it was pretty neat to look at.

So I leave with you my memories of that sad morning, and the image of Whitley hall and it's tribute to the victims of 9/11....