Feet...

"Who's feet have I been sitting at?"

This question came into my prayer tonight, among many things. Over the weekend, I came to realize that I am not where I need to be with Christ. That relationship I have been working on protecting, I have let go freely. I have become Martha, and am no longer Mary. I have not been sitting at the feet of Jesus.

I have been so busy being Martha, worrying about who's going to take up the different tasks, and who's going to make certain that things are getting done, and people are doing what they are supposed to, and that what I am doing is pleasing to everyone, I have totally left the path God asked me to follow in the begining. As a friend put it, I have not been worshipping the right person.

A friend has helped me through this journey of restoration in an amazing way in the last four days. It has been very difficult. To step back, look over the past year or so, and see the road that I have been taking, it's been painful. Tears was the only way to show it, Sunday night, Monday morning, afternoon, and night. Wake up, cry, fall asleep, wake up, cry, and fall asleep...that's all I could do. Immediately when I opened up my eyes Monday morning, my heart cried out to God, "How could I let go of you...just like that?!?!" Yet, He has not let go! I know, because if He had, I would not be feeling that tugging at my heart where the Holy Spirit is asking, "Who's feet are you sitting at today?"

Another friend told me tonight, "You can't minister to anyone if you aren't right with God." I heard this again as I picked up "A Woman God Can Lead" by Alice Mathews. She writes:

"To get our service right, we get our priorities right. We let Jesus minister to us before we go out to minister for Him. That is God's order: we first love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, strength, and mind, and then we are prepared to go out and love our neighbor as ourselves. When we turn that upside down, we may end up feeling overworked and unappreciated. When we keep our priorities in line with God's priorities, we will find that God enables us to do what needs to be donw with joy and satisfaction." (p 240)

So what do I need to do to be Mary again? I pray, I cry out to God that He take over, and lead me in what direction to go in now. I want everything that I do be for His glory! Yes, as someone put it, "That word is tossed around so much." But this person also put it in this perspective, "Glory is evident in what we worship." I want all the glory to be for HIM, because that is who I worship. "You shall have no other god's before me" (Ex. 20:3).

I have seen that when the glory is not for Him, nothing good comes in return. And more importantly, I have felt what's it's like to be "distracted with much serving" (Luke 10:40, NIV) instead of sitting at the feet of Jesus. I must say, sitting at the feet of Jesus is a much sweeter place to be, from what I remember! How sad is that? I must sit at His feet, once again!

Thanksgiving

I got an email from a friend that said, "Can you believe it? Thanksgiving is next weekend!" Cannot believe it! 1998 comes to mind at Thanksgiving.

It was our first Thanksgiving we'd be spending in Chihuahua. It was a very special Thanksgiving for my mom and me. My mom prepared the turkey, and just about the entire meal at home in Rowlett, before heading out. We drove down there two days before Thanksgiving.

I remember driving up the beautiful mountains and thinking, "My dream is coming true in just a few days!" The entire purpose of our first Thanksgiving was so that we could bring my grandmother back with us. This would be her first time out of Mexico, out of Chihuahua, and at our home in Rowlett.

When I was little, we'd drive up those same mountains year after year. And when we'd reach the top that we'd begin to descend to the bottom, leaving us an hour before arriving, I'd always tell my mom, "When can abuelita come with us so she can see these beautiful mountains? We can put her in the car, and drive up here, and let her see the entire world! I can see the whole world from here. She hasn't seen it! Can we bring her some day?" That was my dream for YEARS!

It was finally here. She said her goodbyes to all of my aunts and uncles. They all cried, yet she smiled. "I'll be back soon. Don't worry! I'll come home soon." And we were off. It was about 6 am when we hit the road. It only took us an hour to reach the top of the mountains, and the sun was just making it over the horizon. We stopped, and I rushed to get her out of the car so she could see it. It was the most beautiful thing, even more with my grandmother by my side. We stood up at the top for a good hour, looking down the cayon (Pequis Canyon).

We arrived after our 14 hour drive with my mom and aunt, crying at the realization that my grandmother was finally with us.

We ended up having a second Thanksgiving that year, with my aunt and her family joining us at our house.

2 months later, she had a stroke, from which she passed away in January of 99. As hard as her death was, especially after finally having her with us and for such a short time, it was bittersweet. What comforted me was something my uncle told me as they took her off the ventilator, "God kept her alive as long as he did so your dream would come true. And she must have wanted it just as bad, or she wouldn't have been here." We had no choice but to take her back "home".

And now, my Thanksgiving memories are filled with my aunt's passing, a week before Thanksgiving last year. Saturday will mark the one year anniversary of her death. She has now joined my grandmother, at least the hope that they are together lives in me, and that is comforting. As hard as it is to think that we'll be spending Christmas with the family, yet they both will be absent, I am comforted in knowing that someday, I'll get to see them again.

In the meantime, we prepare the turkey and the veggies, and who knows, maybe I'll get my pumpkin pie this year. We are very thankful for what we have, that's without a doubt. But I'm also thankful for that memory, of my grandmother standing along my side, "seeing the whole world."

Summer, Fall, Winter, what is it?

Last week we were in the 70's and 80's. I was wearing shorts, t-shirt, and flip flops in NOVEMBER! Over the weekend, it was around the low 70's, high 60's. Jeans and a light long sleeve shirt was fine. But now? Now it's insane!

Last night I got into bed around midnight thinking, "Wow, it's not cold. Erin doesn't even have the fan on!!!" Now that made me look twice. I even had to take off two of my blankets and put them in the closet 'cause I got so hot. But this morning...OMG did I struggle to get out of bed! I stayed in bed until 10 minutes before class started. I quickly got up, put on a long-sleeve shirt, jeans, my hoody, and my big jacket. Now you might think, "That's just too much. It can't be that cold!" Wrong.

I drove up to the school, already 10 minutes late, and I couldn't get the nerve to get out of my car. My heater was running, so I was doing perfectly fine just sitting in the car. Who cares about Ruth Hall? I care about staying warm. I eventually got out and went to class. But leaving class and trying to get back in my car was a rush. I just about ran to the car.

And then I walk into my room, it's only a stinkin meat locker in here! As I sit here and type, I have on my sweats, long sleeve shirt, hoody, and my gloves on. That's right, I'm typing with gloves on! Go ahead, laugh it up! You try being in my room for 10 minutes and we'll see who's laughing then.

It is lunch time, but there is no way I'm about to go back outside. If it's cold in here, imagine how cold it is out there! My friends called, "You coming to lunch? The International line has some great food!" Pssshhh, I don't care about great food, I care about staying warm right now. If only I had my hat and scarf, and a heating blanket, I'd be just fine. Get me some hot chocolate...yummm. And it's only 50 degrees outside (Fells like 42 according to weather.com) Call me a whimp...but someone please tell me, will this weather ever be stable???

Surprise!!!

Alyssa's birthday is next Saturday on the 11th; she's turning 20 - the baby of the group. We wanted to do something but I will be out at retreat. So we got together with her boyfriend, who thought of everyone surprising her. So we did! (Unfortunately Erin couldn't join us).

We went to Paesano's Italian Restaurant. Sophie, Loma, and I rushed with balloons a few balloons, and "decorated" the table. We're college students, so we couldn't afford the real pretty helium balloons or even a cake or a gift. Anyway...you should have seen us. We were worried that Frank was going to get ahead of us, so here we are, three girls, carrying 2 balloons each into a restaurant, demanding that we quickly get a table, pulling out tape, rushing to be ready for whens they walk in. It was hilarious! But needless to say, we were ready!

Alyssa walks in with Frank, see us, and comes and sits down with us. Then it dawns on her 15 minutes later, "Hey, how did you know to be here?" I look at Frank and smile, and say, "Hello, facebook!" Facebook is like a myspace for college people. So she looks shocked and was like, "What, so YOU KNEW?!?!" It was great!

We then finished off the night by all of us going to see the movie The Departed. Sophie was on duty, so she only joined us for dinner. It was a good thing too! The movie, as good as the ending was, the begining was awfully slow, and plain awful. The cursing and inappropriate scenes were so bad I just about got up and walked out of the theater. But the ending was great, it sort of had us at the edge of our seats in the end.

We had a fun night, dinner and a movie, and suprising the girl. We had never actually done that as a group. It was great! Next person up is Loma, wonder what we'll do then???

Alyssa, the Birthday Girl!

Fab 5 minus 1 :)
Loma, me, Sophie, Alyssa

me, Loma, Sophie, Alyssa, Frank

Strength

What is it within us that makes us think that with our own strength, we will be okay? Why do we constantly turn to man-power and say, "I've got what it takes", when in reality we don't! I am so guilty of this. This week, it was very visible...

Two of my peers and I had to do a presentation over James Baldwin, and African-American author. An author, might I add, that I nor my peers knew anything about. We met once last week, and discussed how we'd break things down. Who would cover what. Seeing that I already had plenty on my plate, I asked to do what seemed the easiest, biography. Yeah, that didn't happen. I had to read one of his works (because I don't have enough already), find criticism over it, and write my opinion about the book as well as the criticism. But that wasn't all that this consisted of. Whatever I wrote would have to be formatted to where I could actually "teach" what I had learned from 1, only work, out of several.

All week long, I spent hour after hour, researching this guy. Everything, every database that I searched had the same information, at least that's how it appeared to me. Thursday came around and I was uncertain of how we'd be presenting the following morning. So many plans had already changed, I was lost. I drove to Greenville to meet with one of my peers at almost 10 pm, because we had no sense of direction. I finally let it out, "You two can talk, I'll write the essay, I'll cover whatever you two don't cover, and let's leave it at that. J.P. can type up a handout....you can read this and talk about it...." I took over, the one thing I did not want to do!

On my way back, all I could think was "I don't have the strength to think about this anymore, but I've got to find it somehow!" I returned back to Commerce around 11:30 and started working on the paper. I relied on about 5 cups of coffee, 6 books, 5 databases, and endless criticism to read through. You'd think that I had gone through it all during the entire two weeks, which I did. But even now with a "plan", I was still lost. My mind simply went blank.

Then I was brought back to a conversation I had earlier that afternoon. A friend and I had talked a bit about human's dependency on church programs to give them everything they need so they can live the Christian life that Jesus wants us to live. The conversation shifted from church programs to the H.S. to the Word to broken people to realizing that we had just solved all the problems known to man by means of a Christian cruise. :)

In the middle of that conversation, a friend was brought up that has been struggling with finding strength. That struggle seems to be coming from not turning to God. And as I remembered that part of the conversation, I remembered one of my questions, "How do you get someone to understand that it isn't by their strength that they can get through things, but God's strenght?" As I recalled this question, I pulled back and looked at what I was doing.

All week long, I had relied on my own knowledge and understanding to give me a clear vision of what I was to do. And I did this knowing that this presentation was a huge part of my grade, I worried twice as much. Not once had I stopped to turn to God and say, "I need your help! I don't know what I'm doing!"

It was 3:30 am Friday morning, 5 1/2 hrs before having to present that I realized what I had neglected, God's strength. As I saw this, I stopped. I told Him, "I can't continue! I don't know in what direction to go with all of this. I have ___ pages left, but I cannot think! HELP ME!" I turned off my computer and went to bed, praying that I'd wake up at 6 and start writing again.

I woke up right at 6 with the help of two alarms. I immediately went and got some coffee going, and turned my computer on. I grabbed a cup of coffee and started typing. I did miss my first class *don't yell at me* to continue working. By 9 am, an hour before standing in front of the class, I finished the paper. All the confusion in my head, the jumbled thoughts and words, became clear to me and took form.

Our presentation was amazing. Even though I hoped I wouldn't have to talk, I ended up being the one to close the presentation with the information that I had gathered. And I breathed a sigh of relief. There couldn't have been a better ending to my day...well, with the exception of going for a drive with my friends to Cooper Lake, which looks more like a puddle.

But in all of that, one thing I was reminded, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). Why must I forget this? Why couldn't I have remembered this two weeks ago when this whole thing started? Why did I not remember until 5 1/2 hrs before having to face the presentation? How could I not see that I was depending on my own strength, and not on God's strength?

This upcoming week, I have to remember this...more papers, test, and women's retreat! So here's howI'm going to do it. Everything that surrounds me: computer, walls, bulletin board, cell phone, journal, book bag, I have written myself that verse, Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I WILL NOT FORGET WHERE MY STRENGTH IS COMING FROM!!!

can't wait...

life has been exhausting this week...

i've gone from looking at my financial aid for the spring, classes i'm registering for, cost for the 6 classes i'm taking, the books required (the ones i know of), possibly dropping a class i just can't seem to understand, making up the hours in the spring, getting a presentation together for next friday, working on a mid-term paper due on sunday, studying for a test i have next friday, finishing up the final details for retreat, getting a bible study going with the girls here.....i don't know why i do this, i sit in front of my computer while i'm working on one thing, and remember the next thing, and the next, and the next, and so on, until i can no longer breathe! then i work for hours at trying to get ahead at every little bit, when it's impossible to do 11+ things in one day.

i can't wait until we get to heaven, where it's all going to be about worshipping God! that's all that will be on our minds, the focus. we won't have to worry about things that we have to take care of, or even things we've forgotten to do. we won't write out a "to do" list everyday or keep a calendar in front of us with dates and times. we'll know what's next, worship, worship, worship, and a little more worship.

who's looking forward to that? i know i am...

Snail mail is the best!

It's amazing the difference receiving something in the mail can make to ones day! I received two things yesterday. One was expected, and one I'd forgotten I was given a hint about by a sweet girl!

One came from the east (you know who you are!). I was expecting it, but not the message that came along with it. "This envelope contains vacuum-sealed, air-dried, just add water brownie crumbs. Unless the postman ate them." WHAT A TEASE! (Brownie, you know that isn't a nice thing to do!) Must hand it to her though, my roommate loved reading the note, cause she knows how much I love Brownie's brownies. (Can you tell why I call her"Brownie"?). So that put a nice big smile on my face.

Then comes the other package, this was much bigger than expected. This one carried within the envelope a nice fleece blanket, my favorite candy - candy corn, and a sweet card made by the Ward Club of Love! Gotta hand it to them, I definitely felt the love!

It was quite funny, the timing. Erin (Tiger girl/Roommie) and I have constantly been saying, "Man, we aren't loved!" It was so depressing we even planned to mail each other a stinkin' postcard just so we could say that "someone out there" was thinking about us. Ha-ha....

But truly, receiving these two things yesterday just made my day! Late in the evening, after dinner, I returned back to my room, laid on my bed, covered up wth my blanket, sat my candy-corn in this huge mug that Brownie gave me for my birthday last year, and read my Bible. I had to stop to thank God for what I had received. It wasn't so much the blanket or candy or note, as it was the love felt behind it all. The love from someone that knows how to play with me in a loving way from hundreds of miles away. And the love felt from those that, for some reason or another, simply wanted to make someone's day.

It definitely was a "Happy Erica Day!!"

Good opportunity or not?

The last two nights, I've struggled with falling asleep. Tuesday night, I finally got to bed around 11:15, and as heavy as my eyes felt, I just couldn't go to sleep. I could say that it was all the yelling that the neighbors were doing, or all the people screaming and running down the hall, but that wasn't the case. I just simply couldn't go to sleep. When I finally saw that it was 1, 2, 3 am, I thought about getting up and making me some tea to help me sleep, but everytime the thought came through my mind my eyes would feel heavy. I thought I'd fall asleep, but NO! Same thing happened Wednesday night. Both nights: heavy eyes, restless mind. Why? Could be somethings I've been thinking about.

I received an email earlier this week from a friend. My heart was saddened by it, and I couldn't help but think of this friend. I wished I could do more, but in reality, I probably wouldn't be the answer (not that I think high and mighty about myself). Only God could have a solution to this matter, so I've placed it in his hands and have prayed about it, and continue to.

Then there was the reality of facing life. My roommate was quiet all day Monday. The girls and I tried to cheer her up throughout the day, but nothing would work. She finally came out Tuesday night and told me that she was unhappy, unhappy living in Commerce, and unhappy with where she was going with her education. She had chosen a major in one thing, when her heart was set on something else. She shared her fears of letting her family and friends down because of this. This made me think of my situation...

For 21/22 years, I said that I wanted to be a teacher. I sort of glued that into my parents mind. Now for the past year or two, I've spoken so much about seminary and wanting to attend DTS. My parents think that I'm going to school to be an elementary teacher, when that desire left my heart a couple of years ago. I haven't found a way to tell them that teaching is no longer something I want to do. I was challenged once by a friend with the thought, "What's more important, the fear of man or the fear of not doing what God has placed in your heart and more than likely is telling you that that is what he wants for your life?"

My degree audit states: Bachelor of Arts with a major in English and a minor in Secondary Certification. Why did I decide to go for this? Because I considered teaching writing (it gives me a job while doing seminary if I'm able to do it). I'm enjoying the classes I'm taking, with the exception of one. As someone has told me, I'll be "educated" when I get done, and especially after all the reading that I'm doing. But I still question if I'm should stick with this.

My heart is set on ministry. From what many have told me, ministry won't get me through life. All I can say is the same that I used to say about being a teacher, "It's not the money that matters to me, it's what I enjoy!" DTS is all I can really think about. I'd much rather be in an "Intro to Theology" course, instead of "Contemporary Women Writers" in which we are talking about a genre in which I can't help but want to close my book and burn!

Last year, at retreat, I found out that DTS offers a degree in "Media Arts in Ministry". Ever since, I've loved the idea of going through this program. I question though, if I should be doing something differently in school right now to prepare me for it.

Well guess what I found out today??? I was so stressed with thinking about all of this, that I decided to do some searching in TAMU-C's catalog, as well as other schools I've thought about transferring to. As I went from UT-Tyler, UT-El Paso, UT-Dallas, and back to TAMU-C's website, I discovered that TAMU-C offers a degree in "Pre-Theological Studies". Seeing this in the catalog was a shocker! I had seen the courses "Intro to Old Testament", "Life of Paul", and "Life of Christ", and wondered what was up with that. I had no idea that there was a bigger purpose behind them offering these courses. I was more than willing to sign up for those courses when I saw they existed in the summer, but they weren't on my track for my degree.

So now I am trying to decide...do I stick with my current degree plan? Or do I change it to "Pre-Theological Studies"? I know what I want to do...question is what is the best decision? And will I be able to sleep tonight???

Don't seek Him and what do I get?

Today I reached the point of feeling homesick. Erin went to Dallas to see Johndavid. Loma, who knows where in the world that girl is at. Sophie, poor thing, she's been studying so many hours that she hasn't gotten any sleep, so that's what she's been doing all afternoon long. And Alyssa is in Denton seeing Frank. So I'm pretty much alone.

But that isn't what has driven me to this point. I've kept myself pretty busy throughout the week, whether it be with trying to stay on top of my reading assignments to playing racquetball with Erin. That's been sooooo much fun! And I've got the rest of the girls, but I can't help miss everyone at home. I miss the Women's bible study and Thursday nights with Cru (Campus Crusades). Even if I drove back on Thursday nights to Cru, it wouldn't be the same because all of my friends have moved to El Paso, Denton, Colorado, South Texas, or other places. And it's so sad talking to them on the phone cause it makes me want to run up to them and hug them and just sit and watch movies with them or whatever, but I can't. And with the women, just that Spiritual connection, the Spiritual growth. I long for that so bad! I long for someone to walk with me and I don't know, help me grow in my relationship with Christ, for a lack of better words. I'm missing those times when J and I would get together, do a Bible study , and just discuss God's word and how to apply it in our lives, etc...

That could be another thing that has made me feel homesick. I was mentioning this to someone earlier. I've been so busy trying to catch up and keep up with the school work, that I haven't made time to read my Bible. And I noticed that when that happens, I'm not happy. Erin (roomie) asked me several times last week, "What's wrong?" I couldn't point to one thing in particular. The sad feeling gets to the point to where at times I just want to cry. So...

I started reading my Bible again this week. I set up my schedule to where no matter what, I'm off the computer by 9:00-9:30, read my Bible for at least 30 minutes, and go to bed by 10/10:30. I've been journaling the things that I've read, what I feel God has spoken through his Word. And I have to say, praying and talking to him after reading his Word, I feel so much closer to Him. There was even a point where in my prayer, I simply told him that I needed a hug from him. Now how cool is that!

It's just been neat to see how much I truly do depend on God, and need Him, to be happy. And I shared this prayer request with this friend, and I share it with whoever else reads this. My load at school has been huge! I've finally been able to catch up a bit. But because I have so much reading that I have to do, reading God's Word has just felt like something extra that can "wait". But I now have seen that it can't, and it shouldn't. So pray that I see everyday how much I need to be in God's Word, how much I need it, how much I need Him, and that I continue to make that special time for Him everyday! Oh, and pray that I find a job! :)

Very random...no seriously, VERY RANDOM!

I wish I was 5 years old again, playing with Jennifer, my friend from down the street.
I wish I could be in Mexico, enjoying the beautiful sight of the moutains and trees.
I wish I could be at the lake and close my eyes and feel the breeze as it slowly hits my face.
I wish I could get in my car and drive to El Paso, and go up Scenic Drive in the middle of the night and just look at how beautiful it looks with all it's city lights....and then continue driving until I get to California.
I wish I could get on a plane and just fly...admiring the clouds, the sun, the sky.
I wish I could have some chocholate...chocolate cake, chocolate ice-cream, brownies. :-)
I wish it was raining...
I wish it was raining, and I could sit in front of the tv and watch movies all day.
I wish I could get on a horse and just ride it all day.
I wish my best friend was 5 minutes away, and not 20 hours away.
I wish I had money.
I wish I didn't have papers to write.
I wish I didn't have books to read.
I wish I could be free and do everything that crosses my mind, with nothing being impossible!
I wish I could be a kid again.......