Holding onto the past

So today is Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's to everyone.

I've been reading, at least attempting to read, Mark Buchanan's book Things Unseen. I've been working on this book since Christmas time. I only have 4 more chapters to finish the stinkin' book. It's been a good book, I've just gotten lazy.

I read something today that just stood out:

"'Take hold,' Paul tells Timothy, 'of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presense of many witnesses.' (1 Tim 6:12) Meaning: Live in the light of forever. Choose and think and act now in the light, not of what was, not of what is, but of what is to come."

Lance (pastor, if you don't know him) and I were talking about Christians that profess to be Christians but walking with attitudes and actions contrary to the gospel and holiness to which Christ has called us. The conversation ultimately led down to Christians and sin.

There are parts of who I am that I need to work on. My attitude, my impatience, etc. I've tended to attribute this to "not being okay" spiritually speaking or "I get it from my mom". But as Lance brought up Christians and sin and professing and so forth, a thought came to me. "Well gees, sin sure has a powerful hold over man, even Christians."

I couldn't help but wonder how it could be that sin can have such control over man if Christ is with us. As I wrote back to Lance to ask him about that, I began to answer my own question (sort of).

Falling into sin is disobedience. I as a Christian, know that it is wrong to have an ugly attitude towards someone, or be impatient and show my frustrations instead of being kind and expressing my feelings with love. It is up to me to decide how I will react.

Recent changes were a major eye-opener for me. I've learned quite a bit about who I am. As I sit and think of a "conversation" I had with someone a couple of weeks ago, I go back and think of my mom, and attribute my reactions to being her daughter. :) I also attribute the anger I see in myself to a lot of things from my past, especially from my relationship between my parents and me. But a couple of things I've realized and need to fully grasp is:

1. I have a helper that can help me to control my anger, feelings, and reactions.
2. It might be because of my past that I hold onto such anger, but I need to look at who I am now (in Christ), and realize that there is something much more beautiful to hold onto instead of the past, that which is to come.
3. Attributing my attitude to my mother: I can say that, but in reality, it's my choice to continue with an attitude like hers. I know Christ, and how I am commanded to be, so it is ultimately MY choice on how I act. I can no longer say it is because of my mother, or the pressures that surround me to "be better than my brother", or whatever. It is up to me. She doesn't know Christ, I do. She doesn't know any better, I do. So anyone that says "Well I can't help it", oh yes you can! (Erin, I think that's my mini-sermon. lol!).
4. If I continue to hold onto these thoughts, I can't be a tool for Christ.

This past week was a very difficult week for me. I can choose to look back and see all the negative things in it, and hold onto that and let it buld up inside of me. Or I can look at today, see what it holds, and look forward to tomorrow, and not even think about what was going thru my mind last Thursday.

Looking at who I am called to be in Christ today, and focusing on the future is the only way I can turn away from the past and let go of all this stuff that takes hold of me. And it is also the way in which I'll be able to turn from disobedience (sin), by remembering the gift of eternal life that I have received, be thankful, and try to live for the One that has given that to me.

I need to not look at "what was, or what is, but what is to come".

Children and Angels

Some interesting answers from kids about who/what angels are...


I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5

I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy. Molly, 8

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8

Angels don't eat but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Regan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonia, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7.

Back to Him

For the past week, I've been doing a lot of sleeping during the day, my little escapes from this world. :) That has thrown me off on my sleep at night (gee, ya think!).

Well it's finally catching up with me. Apparently my body doesn't like waking up after only 2 or 3 hours of sleep at night and then trying to force the brain to work. So I lay in my bed for several hours this evening, trying to recover from staying up all night (granted, work is also to blame this time!).

I had my music on as usual, I can't sleep without music. I would doze off for about 10 minutes. Then I'd hear, "Don't let your heart be troubled...rise up my friend"* , "Here come better days..."**, or "We are covered in the love of Jesus"*** and I'd wake up. Can't explain it, but anytime there were uplifting and encouraging words, I'd wake up and just listen to them. I did this dozing off, waking up, dozing off for almost 2 hours.

But here's the most interesting part of it all...

When I finally gave up on actually falling asleep for longer than 10 or 15 minutes, I lay in my bed and looked up at the ceiling. My bed faces the window, so I could see the shadows of the light coming in through the blinds. As I lay there, the only word that kept coming through my mind was "trapped". I'm not certain why. Perhaps because as I looked at the darkness of the room, I could see that there was some light on the other side of the blinds, I could hear the cars and even people yelling, yet I was "confined" to this room for the time being. I felt trapped.

So I got up and walked into the living room to get a drink, but didn't feel like being up just then, so I lay back down. The trapped feeling just kept getting worse and worse. Thoughts of recent events and changes were running through my mind. And suddenly, those lines, those words among others, started to replay in my mind.

"Don't let your heart be troubled...": My heart was definitely troubled.
"Here come better days": Was definitely wishing that were today.
"We are covered in the love of Jesus": Amazing!

I kept replaying the songs in my head. My heart simply began to feel peace. I was just amazed, that the very thing that kept waking me up was ultimately what gave me peace. And not to mention that they went so well with how I've been feeling lately.

Most importantly, the songs that kept waking me up pointed me towards Christ! That, I know, is what ultimately gave me that peace, Christ. It literally made me stop and think about the present moment, the feelings that were taking over, life. So many concerns, so many worries, and for what? They take your focus away from the One that is seeking your attention. He shouldn't have to seek it, but unfortunately he has to at times. He definitely did that with me today!

Oh the "little things" he uses to bring our hearts and minds back to him...


*Wherever You Are by Mercy Me
**Better Days by Robbie Seay Band
***God is With Us by Michael Olson

Too many gods, scary books for children, along with emotions

Monday will be week three of school. This semester has been different, but then again, Brownie warned me that's how every semester might be.

What am I taking this semester? Children's Lit, Adolescent Lit, Mythology, Philosophy and Biology. My classes have all been interesting so far, with the exception of one, philosophy. I cannot, for the life of me, understand any of the stuff that I'm reading. It is all going way over my head. It's even worse when I'm in class. Everyone seems to make some great points, but as interesting as they all sound, I am clueless. What does math have to do with the universe? Kelley, don't tell John I said that!

Children's Lit has been awesome. Children's lit is all about looking beyond the images in children's book, the pretty pictures, and the bare story. It's about trying to see how books go beyond images and simple words, to interpolate (hope that's the right word) into children how our society or culture defines who we are. It's been very interesting. We've looked at colors and shapes, and what feelings they give us, the actions taken by characters, how they might influence children.

In adolescent lit, we are focusing on censorship, books that have been censored and why. We just finished reading The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier. We are currently reading The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I am not about to speak of my views on censorship, because it is a very new thing to me. Most of the books on the list that we are reading this semester I have never read. I've only read 1 out of the 10 books required.

Mythology, that's something else I'm just now starting to understand. Some of the things we've talked about in mythology have crossed over with philosophy. I will be honest, in the beginning, I questioned a few things. But after talking with friends, my brain has settled down in the thinking area. :) The only thing I can say about mythology is that there are way too many gods! I would hate to have been the Greeks that believed in all these different gods, and having to remember which is for what. Man, too much for me. Worst of all, I have a quiz coming up next week in which 60% of the quiz is over the gods and the deities. All I can say is that I am glad I worship the one and only true God!

And biology, well let me put it to you this way, 10% is biology lecture, 90% tangents. Seriously, the professor goes off on just about anything, it's crazy. But we can tell it's going to be so easy to pass the class! I know, I know, I should be focusing on learning. But hey, I'm trying to get out in December if I can!

Earlier this week, I was asked if I would consider being an RA (resident assistant) in the hall that I work at. I honestly did consider it, but I'm trying so hard right now to set aside all the emotional drama and stay focused on my reading and classes, I don't think I can handle it. And I've seen the stress that being an RA can add onto people, so I'd rather not set myself up for disaster.

One of the girl's big thing as last semester came to a close was, "Next semester will be a new beginning for all of us". Boy was she right! Friendships are changing, some by force. I experienced that this week, and it wasn't all that easy, but I can't say it was a bad decision either. I think what has made it hard has been what my last post said, breaking free from habits. We had our routines and all that, but that can't be anymore. Something I've just got to get used to in the last few days. Like I said, it's been a tough week.

I'm learning, slowly but surely, things don't always remain the same. Seasons come and go. The season for this friendship had just passed, probably a long time ago, but I probably had neglected to either see it or accept it. Who knows...

But thanks to my friends back home, in Anna, and in Maryland (don't you ladies feel special), I have truly felt encouraged and know that things will be alright. As always, they've shared great words of wisdom. And my friends here in Commerce wonder why I always turn to them when I need help or advice. They always make me feel better, so why wouldn't I??? Go figure!

So there you have it, my update for the month of January. I couldn't help but noticed that I hadn't been on here in a while. Brownie, I hadn't had a chance to tell ya about my classes, so there you have it! Hope you've enjoyed the update! :)

Breaking free

"It takes a prisoner, once released, many seasons to break out of the deeper confinement of habit and attitude." Things Unseen, Mark Buchannan

This is me today...

See the Morning

I got an email that said, "Have you checked your mailbox lately?", it was from Brooke. I wasn't expecting anything, but I called the front office to check, and indeed there was a package, can you guess who it was from? Brooke :)

I opened it up to find a beautiful scarf that she had knitted for me, along with a note. I was very confused, because I read "If this is not the right col, you can exchange it at Circuit City." My only thought was, how do you exchange a scarf if 1) the place doesn't sell scarfs and 2)hadn't she made it?

I finally figured out what it said, "If you don't like the cd". Hey, it looked like it could say col. So I quickly unwrapped the scarf and found the one thing I was hoping to get for Christmas or my Birthday, Chris Tomlin's See the Morning cd. Boy did I scream!

I immediately popped it into my laptop and listened to it. Man, I love this guy! This was the first song that just totally touched my heart. He is just so good at making you turn away from everything that's going on in your life, all the struggles and pain, and just makes you worship the Heavenly Father!

Uncreated One

Chris Tomlin

Holy Uncreated One
Your beauty fills the skies
But the glory of Your majesty
Is the mercy in Your eyes

Worthy Uncreated One
From heaven to earth come down
You laid aside Your royalty
To wear the sinner's crown

(Chorus)
O Great God, be glorified
Our lives laid downYours magnified
O Great God, be lifted high
There is none like You

Jesus, Savior, God's own son
Risen, reigning Lord
Sustainer of the Universe
By the power of Your word

Chorus

And when we see Your matchless face
In speechless awe we'll stand
And there we'll bow with grateful hearts

Chorus

P.S. I did put the song on my mp3 player, but I don't know if it loaded up correctly...

Job possibilities finally

My first semester in Commerce, I looked everywhere for a job, but found nothing. As soon as last semester started, I did more job hunting in Commerce, to come out to the same results as the Spring, nothing. Seems that my luck has changed!

Before I went back home for Christmas break, I turned in an application for a front desk position. I wasn't certain of getting anything, but I turned it in anyway. The second day I returned to Commerce, last Friday, I got a message from the director that's at my old dorm. He wanted to know if I was still interested in working. I immediately called and emailed him to let him know that I was. I ran into him on Sunday, and we talked about an interview which he scheduled for this past Monday (then re-scheduled for yesterday).

As I left this morning with Loma to have breakfast before class, she had to stop by the office. Amanda, the hall director, saw me and asked if I was still looking for a job. I mentioned I had an interview. She told me to take a look at the hours, and if the hours fit with my schedule, I had a job. Before going to the interview, I stopped by the front and check out the hours. Some fit with my schedule.

Well I went to the interview, it only lasted about 15 minutes, 10 of those with the hall director dealing with calls and residence. He asked what I'd worked in before and if I had any administrative and organizational skills. He then proceeded to explain the job:

"I need someone that can help me stay organized, I am a very busy person. I need someone that can help me organize appointments with my residents, and remind me, email me of what's going on, etc. Are you interested?"

Didn't take me long to say yes. He then offered me extra hours by doing night security. That might sound scary, but I doubt that it is. And it isn't like it would be every night.

So I come back to my room, waited for my roommate to arrive so we could eat dinner. As she and I headed down, she stoped by to talk to Amanda to ask her a question. Amanda saw me and asked me about the job. I mentioned that I had gotten the job at the other residence hall, it was just a matter of clearing my name through the school, but that some of her hours did fit in with my school schedule. I am not 100% certain of what my schedule will be, so I asked if I had some open slots, if I could work at Whitley as well. What did she say?

"Well let me know as soon as you get the call from Terrance tomorrow. When you let me know, I'll talk to him to see if he'd be okay with you working here and at Smith."

So here I sit, waiting for that call later on today in which Terrance calls to confirm the job, and wait to hear what my schedule will look like. Then more waiting to see if I can also work at Whitley.

I started off desperately searching for a job so I could have some money, and never found anything. And now, when I least expected it, I could have two jobs instead of one, or for that matter, none. It's amazing how God works.

I can't help but wonder what has changed for God to allow me to work? I've prayed about getting a job, especially on campus, for the past year. What's different? I sure wish I understood his timing more, who doesn't? I just can't help but be thankful that I've gotten this far in my job searching. Guess I'll find out tomorrow for certain of what the final results of that searching will be...

Home

I got to make the drive out to Commerce yesterday to pay for school. Iniatially, I hadn't planned on going back until Sunday night. But when you get an email reminding you that tuition is due in one day, and that day is way before your scheduled return, well I guess there's no choice but to make the drive. :)

It felt funny making the drive out there, getting on 30 and seeing all the little spots that tell me how much longer. Caddo Mills, 25 minutes, Greenville, 15 minutes, Exit 101, 8 minutes. But here's what I found even more interesting, actually seeing the building where I live, taking in a deep breath, letting that breath go out and feeling relaxed. I was home...

As much as I think of how Commerce has nothing but Wal-Mart (I know, what more do you want, right?) and very few fast food places to choose from, coming back was a great feeling. As I told J yesterday, could be that I'm getting used to the idea that 1) I may not be going home on the weekends as often anymore and/or 2) I have to live here the entire year (summer included). I might as well make it home.

I went and bought the usual, Chicken Express, brought it back and watched tv for a couple of hours. I set my bed up among other things. I was immediately set back in my regular routine, even though it was just for a few hours.

And now I sit at home, waiting to go pick up Alex so I can take her to Commerce with me for the night. I'm excited, she's excited.

The thought of not coming home for church on Sundays was a tough one to even think about. But as the fall semester came to a close, and the new year began, with so many things in mind, I actually feel much more comfortable with the thought of not going back just for church. And I guess J telling me that I might want to consider staying in Commerce on the weekends, something I never expected to hear her say, sort of helped me out. I doubt I'll find a church I'd want to be a part of on Sundays. There is a church I want to try out on Wednesday nights with Charlie, in Greenville. They have a college group that meets on Wednesdays. Who knows, maybe I'll just do Wedneday nights.

Apart from that possibility, I'm ready to go back home. I'm ready to be with my friends! I'm ready to start my classes! This is a new begining for all of us. We all had a rough semester in the Fall. This is a fresh start to a new semester. We'll see what God is going to do in our lives in the next 4 months. Loma, I know you're ready to see what God's got in store, huh? :)

Only 4 more days...

dwc 2007

last year was my first year going to dwc - dallas winter conference with campus crusade. i wasn't able to go this year, but my friends were from cru were sweet enough to send me this short video they put together of this year's dwc. more than anything, you'll see how crazy my cru friends can be! :) btw...best way to play it, hit play, pause and let it load, then hit play again

obstacles

There have been moments in my life when I've wondered "What am I here for? What's my purpose?" When I question this, I've asked it in the sense of, "What will I be doing in 5 years? 10 years?" But today, the only question is "What do I do?" It isn't just today that I ask myself this question, but for the past week, since returning from Mexico.

A lot of this questioning comes not just from turning 24 and feeling, "Okay, maybe I should get a move on life." But more than anything, the questioning comes from events that occured while visiting family over the holidays.

Mexico was my life growing up, my everything. I would cry because we had to return back to Texas. This time around, I've returned questioning what it is to me now. Do I still love it the way I used to? Or do I hate it? Why do I not know?

I saw many things in my family that I either didn't realize occured because I was too young, or didn't see them because I myself was part of it. The dependance on anything but God was the big thing. Depending on quick fixes and numbness was so visible in my family as it was in me a couple of years ago. And seeing it in my family has caused many emotions: confusion, sadness, burdened, lost...

I don't know who my family is anymore. There are several meanings behind that satement. My focus has turned from quick fixes and numbness to my Lord, Jesus Christ. I know that in Him, I can do anything. I know that he lifts me up, he strengthens me, he provides, he is everything that I need. And I have a family that believes in the same things I do. For the past four years, I've been part of this family.

Seeing my family in Mexico, seeing how they live, and being around those temptations that at times want to creep back up and haunt me, I felt nothing but distant. I felt that I was in the wrong place, with the wrong people, alone. I began to feel the burden, the heavy weight of wanting to share Christ with them, but I didn't know how. And as the days went along, and the uncles came around showing their numbess to reality, the drunkeness, I began to build up anger.

Should I have been angry? They don't know right from wrong, Christ doesn't live in them, they know nothing else but the numbness they seek. So I probably shouldn't have gotten angry. I think more than anything, I was angry at myself for not speaking up or saying anything. But in their state, how could anything I say make sense? The only thing I figured would make sense to them was speaking words of anger, "I'm done with this family! I'm ready to go home!"

Shortly after getting home, I sat in my room and looked around. How can I relate to them? I have it easy according to them. What could have possibly caused me to seek what they seek today, when our worlds are a total contrast, mine is easy and theirs isn't?

Erin told me that God had me there for a reason. I honestly believe that, but now I'm more confused than ever. Why send me there, have me see all the brokeness, and not give me an opportunity to share his love with them? Why bring me back to the comfort of home, and my great little church family and their love, and allow me to know his forgiveness, and yet keep picturing how my family sought numbness to forget everything that lies in their hearts? It almost seems unfair.

I'm lost in the sense that I feel returning back to my regular routine, my friends, everything here, I'm turning my back on my family. And I can't really explain it, but I feel that if I turn to my family and try to set aside my feelings and understand them, I'd be turning my back on my family of 4 years (this feeling I can't really explain).

So once again, I'm lost. Do I set my family aside and just pray that someone somewhere might share Christ with them? Do I find my way to make it down there, since I have no form of communication with them (no home addresses, and definitely no email or tel.), and wait to share with them? What will it take for me to be able to reach out to them?

And what makes it worse is a visual that I got as I took this picture...

These are the mountains we must drive through (sometimes over), to get to my family. What do I see in this picture? A great obstacle. And as J put it, "the long and whinding road, too...that must be traveled to reach them or traveled to distance yourself from them."

At times all I want to do is distance myself from them and wish to never return. Yet at times my greated desire is to travel that long and whinding road to reach them. But it is all still such an obstacle in my mind.

So, what do I do?