"I don't want to wake up. I don't want to wake up. Just let me sleep and never wake up." These were the words that my brother repeated over and over tonight after stumbling into my room. He has hit rock bottom. He's at a point where he, as well as my parents and I, feels that there is no hope.
All his life, he's known the easy way outs. "Dad, I need you to bail me out" "Dad I need money to pay _____" "Mom can I have ____ dollars". He leaves, he comes back home, he leaves, he comes back home. I've seen this all my life. And tonight, it was as if it was the night for him to decide if he'd take the easy route (alcohol, anti-depressants....death), or the tougher one, the one where he decides to confront everything that has over-powered him.
It saddens me to see my own brother like this. I have seen him screw up his life over and over and over. But what saddened me more was to see him "walk" into my room, barely be able to get the words "Can I talk to you?" out of his mouth, then see the tears flow and him say, "I don't want to live anymore." I couldn't think of anything to say. To a certain point, I knew this was a moment in which he just needed someone to listen to him. But I could also tell that it is a cry for help.
Here's something that's ironic. All week long, I've seen him sleep until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Before, I thought that it was because he was just lazy and didn't want to get up. But throughout the years, I've noticed that depression is something that he tends to have. And over time, it has worsened, especially recently, after certain events that have taken place. With all of that having been said, there have been nights when I have laid down, and fear takes over, the fear that he may actually go to sleep one night and never wake up...
My brother and I have never been close. This is only the second time in 20 something years, that he and I have actually talked the way we did tonight. I love him. I've forgiven him for the years that he was not a brother to me, which was the first thing he did tonight, asked for forgiveness for never being there for me. But now more than ever, I will lay down every night with fear. Fear of what will become of him. Fear of what decisions he will make for his life. Fear that everything that has over-powered him up to now, will ultimately over-power him to death. I can only pray, whenever I remember to, that that will not be the case.
Prayer is definitely needed in my family!!!
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
How to Save a Life
How To Save A Life - The Fray lyrics
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
I don't know what it is about this song, but something just sticks to me every time I hear it. Well, I can think of a line or two in particular. But this song...there's just something to it, I can't explain it.
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
I don't know what it is about this song, but something just sticks to me every time I hear it. Well, I can think of a line or two in particular. But this song...there's just something to it, I can't explain it.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Red Velvet Cake...
For the past two weeks, I whined about wanting a red velvet cake. I had a craving for it, don't know why. But I didn't have any money, so I had to get over it.
Well...I went to work at 10 pm, everyone was hanging out at the office after a hall meeting. Around 11, Christina and Nick (RA and desk attendant) walked in with...guess what...a RED VELVET CAKE! I just about flipped! I was almost in tears. I was overwhelmed with their kindness, and simply because Christina thought of me as she did some shopping, little insignificant me. I understand now when a friend (which is totally significant to me :) ) told me after mailing her a gift, "Little did I know that while you were in Canton, we would be on your mind." I was just really touched by the gesture.
I absolutely love the people that I work with. The RA's are all crazy. The desk attendants that come and hang out at night are fun to talk to also. I've just come to realize that they are truly a community, a family. Here at Whitley, we have nothing. We don't know the other residence, not even the people on our floors. It's just so neat to see everyone together, talking, joking around, enjoying each other's company.
Anyway, my craving for red velvet cake has been fulfilled, thanks to two very sweet friends.
On a side note....
I'm trying to get ready for the summer. Yes, we're just about to start Spring Break. But with so many dates to remember around here, I get paranoid that I'm going to miss a registration date, or reapplication for housing deadlines. Anyway.
While looking at summer classes and my degree audit, I found out that I only need 30 hrs to finish school! I've decided to push myself the rest of the year and aim at finishing up in December. I'm going to have an even load in the summer as well as the fall, 15 hours in each term. As soon as school gets out on May 11th, I will start my summer classes on May 14th. The weekend will be my break from the Spring semester.
I won't be going home until August, and that will only be for a short 2 1/2 weeks. If I can pull off passing all my summer classes, I'm planning on rewarding myself by flying out to Virginia to visit my best friend of 11 years (which I haven't seen in 7 of those years). Something exciting to look forward to after some hard work!
I've slowly been gaining an interest in working with kids again. It's actually always been there, I think I've just pushed back the feelings. Social work is what I am gaining an interest in. I'm not completely certain in what area, but I'd be able to work with kids in a special way. More than anything, I'd be able to help them out. So my 5 Interdisciplinary classes I have left will all be social work classes. And the other 5 classes will, as usual, be English courses. I'm excited.
I'm more excited at the thought of graduating in December. I got the official, "You'll graduate in December, not in May" from my advisor on Tuesday. You can't imagine how beautiful those words sound to someone that's been working at seeing the end for a very, very long time!
So there you have it, those are the "highlights of the week" for me, as Lance likes to put it.
Well...I went to work at 10 pm, everyone was hanging out at the office after a hall meeting. Around 11, Christina and Nick (RA and desk attendant) walked in with...guess what...a RED VELVET CAKE! I just about flipped! I was almost in tears. I was overwhelmed with their kindness, and simply because Christina thought of me as she did some shopping, little insignificant me. I understand now when a friend (which is totally significant to me :) ) told me after mailing her a gift, "Little did I know that while you were in Canton, we would be on your mind." I was just really touched by the gesture.
I absolutely love the people that I work with. The RA's are all crazy. The desk attendants that come and hang out at night are fun to talk to also. I've just come to realize that they are truly a community, a family. Here at Whitley, we have nothing. We don't know the other residence, not even the people on our floors. It's just so neat to see everyone together, talking, joking around, enjoying each other's company.
Anyway, my craving for red velvet cake has been fulfilled, thanks to two very sweet friends.
On a side note....
I'm trying to get ready for the summer. Yes, we're just about to start Spring Break. But with so many dates to remember around here, I get paranoid that I'm going to miss a registration date, or reapplication for housing deadlines. Anyway.
While looking at summer classes and my degree audit, I found out that I only need 30 hrs to finish school! I've decided to push myself the rest of the year and aim at finishing up in December. I'm going to have an even load in the summer as well as the fall, 15 hours in each term. As soon as school gets out on May 11th, I will start my summer classes on May 14th. The weekend will be my break from the Spring semester.
I won't be going home until August, and that will only be for a short 2 1/2 weeks. If I can pull off passing all my summer classes, I'm planning on rewarding myself by flying out to Virginia to visit my best friend of 11 years (which I haven't seen in 7 of those years). Something exciting to look forward to after some hard work!
I've slowly been gaining an interest in working with kids again. It's actually always been there, I think I've just pushed back the feelings. Social work is what I am gaining an interest in. I'm not completely certain in what area, but I'd be able to work with kids in a special way. More than anything, I'd be able to help them out. So my 5 Interdisciplinary classes I have left will all be social work classes. And the other 5 classes will, as usual, be English courses. I'm excited.
I'm more excited at the thought of graduating in December. I got the official, "You'll graduate in December, not in May" from my advisor on Tuesday. You can't imagine how beautiful those words sound to someone that's been working at seeing the end for a very, very long time!
So there you have it, those are the "highlights of the week" for me, as Lance likes to put it.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Holi Festival
Last Friday was quite fun! Many of the Indian students gathered together at the Cain Sports Complex behind Smith hall to celebrate Holi. Holi is the celebration or welcoming of the Spring. It's the hope in brighter days, and a farewell to the gray winter season.
A couple of my friends are Indian, so I joined them. I was warned before hand, "Wear something you don't mind never wearing again." I heard the word paint, but didn't hear what that had to do with anything.
When we arrived, we picked up our "Holi Festival" t-shirts, and went to get some food. The Indian students had actually cooked authentic Indian food. All I can really say about it is that they like their sweets!
We all sat down to eat, and before we knew it, we heard screaming. I turned to look, and here's what I saw...
Before I knew it, here's what I saw....
All the Indian students were running around throwing powder paint at each other, then pouring water on everyone. It was crazy, but so much fun! We all ran and joined them. Everyone would run up to us and just rub our faces with paint. They tried several times to pour water on me and a couple of the girls, but some of us managed to get away.Ultimately, here's what some of us looked like....
Aja, Rohan, Aman, me, Simran, Shristi
Rohan and Timmy (Timothy)
Me and Jasen
Me and Timmy
Jasen...did I mention they also started throwing eggs?
If stuff like this happened every weekend, I'd look forward to being in Commerce every Friday! LOL
Saturday, March 10, 2007
March 13
If you ask me, tomorrow is March 13th in my mind. March 13th marks 2 years since Maria left my mom, Vanessa, and my life. And the only reason I say it's tomorrow (Sunday) is because I remember waking up, after getting the call at 2 am, and not exactly knowing what to do except go to church. 2 years later, what do our lives look like without Maria?
My mom still struggles to continue without Maria at times. She hasn't allowed anyone to take Maria's place. She hasn't found anyone that she can turn to, and I can tell that is hard on her. There are times where the smallest thing will remind her of Maria and she'll tear up.
My mom has continued with her responsibilities as Vanessa's Godmother. She takes her every Sunday morning to mass, then in the evenings she takes her to Confirmation classes. She has also taken up a second job to pay for the cost of Vanessa's Quinceañera, which will be in July.
Vanessa - Well, she's in 9th grade now. She lives with the family that adopted her, well the mom and daughters at least. She's getting ready to do her Confirmation in April. And on top of that, there's the excitement of preparing for her Quinceañera. She has chosen the traditional colors, pink and white. At one point she had chosen blue because on the day of her Baptism, both my mom and her mom wore blue...pure coincidence. But after looking at dresses and all the accessories, she went for the pink.
Holidays have been the hardest for her, especially Mother's Day, Maria's birthday, and her birthday. She tends to spend them with us, since that was how every holiday/birthday was.
Her brother moved to Florida almost a year ago, and hasn't heard from him in over three months. Considering everything, Vanessa has been very strong over the past two years.
As for me...school and work. Not much has changed. Every time I think about my mom, I think about Maria. Since I don't exactly live at home, I can only think of my mom being alone. That makes me wish even more that Maria was still around, at least I'd know that my mom had someone to talk to.
I am anxious about July and Vanessa's Quinceañera. I was the one that was closest to Maria towards the end, with the hospital visits, phone calls to the doctors, rushing to the ER...etc. So to see us celebrating Vanessa's 15th without Maria being present is going to be very hard. I have always felt that Maria wasn't given the chance to live. So the feelings I have begun to hold onto, especially as the preparations have started for the 15th are, "It isn't fair. She would still be with us! She'd be the one to help Vanessa pick out her dress. She'd see her trying them on. She should be the one to dress her that day, not my mom." There have been times I've told my mom, "Don't do the 15th". But I know Maria was looking forward to it since Vanessa was born. Who am I to take that away from her?
Besides the memories of her laughter and her outgoing spirit causing us to cry every once in a while, we all seem to be doing okay. Yes, March 13th is still on Tuesday. But the pain of her loss was felt on Sunday morning, and that will always remain with me. And every Sunday before or on the 13th, the pain I felt that morning at 2 am as I picked up the phone and heard the words, "She's gone", will always come back to haunt me, then cause the tears to flow.
My mom still struggles to continue without Maria at times. She hasn't allowed anyone to take Maria's place. She hasn't found anyone that she can turn to, and I can tell that is hard on her. There are times where the smallest thing will remind her of Maria and she'll tear up.
My mom has continued with her responsibilities as Vanessa's Godmother. She takes her every Sunday morning to mass, then in the evenings she takes her to Confirmation classes. She has also taken up a second job to pay for the cost of Vanessa's Quinceañera, which will be in July.
Vanessa - Well, she's in 9th grade now. She lives with the family that adopted her, well the mom and daughters at least. She's getting ready to do her Confirmation in April. And on top of that, there's the excitement of preparing for her Quinceañera. She has chosen the traditional colors, pink and white. At one point she had chosen blue because on the day of her Baptism, both my mom and her mom wore blue...pure coincidence. But after looking at dresses and all the accessories, she went for the pink.
Holidays have been the hardest for her, especially Mother's Day, Maria's birthday, and her birthday. She tends to spend them with us, since that was how every holiday/birthday was.
Her brother moved to Florida almost a year ago, and hasn't heard from him in over three months. Considering everything, Vanessa has been very strong over the past two years.
As for me...school and work. Not much has changed. Every time I think about my mom, I think about Maria. Since I don't exactly live at home, I can only think of my mom being alone. That makes me wish even more that Maria was still around, at least I'd know that my mom had someone to talk to.
I am anxious about July and Vanessa's Quinceañera. I was the one that was closest to Maria towards the end, with the hospital visits, phone calls to the doctors, rushing to the ER...etc. So to see us celebrating Vanessa's 15th without Maria being present is going to be very hard. I have always felt that Maria wasn't given the chance to live. So the feelings I have begun to hold onto, especially as the preparations have started for the 15th are, "It isn't fair. She would still be with us! She'd be the one to help Vanessa pick out her dress. She'd see her trying them on. She should be the one to dress her that day, not my mom." There have been times I've told my mom, "Don't do the 15th". But I know Maria was looking forward to it since Vanessa was born. Who am I to take that away from her?
Besides the memories of her laughter and her outgoing spirit causing us to cry every once in a while, we all seem to be doing okay. Yes, March 13th is still on Tuesday. But the pain of her loss was felt on Sunday morning, and that will always remain with me. And every Sunday before or on the 13th, the pain I felt that morning at 2 am as I picked up the phone and heard the words, "She's gone", will always come back to haunt me, then cause the tears to flow.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Mom for the week...
I spent this past week in Plano taking care of Cole (6) and Trey (4). Cole and Trey are my high school Spanish teacher's boys. I've baby-sat them for the past two years. Jodi (teacher) and Brian went on vacation to St. Thomas and asked me if I'd take care of the boys.
When Jodi first asked me to consider it, she gave me a copy of what her schedule looked like:
When I first saw the schedule, I felt overwhelmed! I wasn't sure I could keep up. But Monday came, and the boys made it so easy to go through. They were wide awake at 7:30 in the morning. They immediately got up and got dressed, brushed their teeth, took their vitamins, etc. I simply had to make them breakfast, something I don't usually eat so I didn't know what else to do beside cereal. Not to worry, I got better at the breakfast thing.
Come to find out, staying on top of the schedule wasn't too bad. On the days that Trey stayed with me, we'd go out to the stores or stay at home and play games or draw. When Trey was in school, I'd come home and relax. I'd watch TV, clean, or try and figure out what I was going to do for dinner (another scary part, cause I don't cook!).
I had fun with the boys, but I have to say that there are a few things I've been thinking about...
My focus was so much on Trey when he was at home. I literally felt that if I wasn't talking to him, acknowledging his presence as he was drawing next to me while I was on the computer, or simply laughed when he said something "funny", I felt awful. And it was the same with Cole. If I didn't say anything to him after 10 minutes, I'd feel bad. I almost felt as if I was neglecting them.
And then I felt that I had to watch my every move. I had to watch every word coming out of my mouth, every reaction, statement, look, etc. I was scared to watch TV because I was worried that someone on TV would say a curse word. I finally had to ask them to watch a movie in their mom and dad's room one day, so I could watch at least an hour or two of TV.
Is that what it is like to be a mother/parent? Do you watch everything you do and say? Is it a natural change? Or is it something you have to work at?
It was tiring at times, just because I was doing so much more than I usually do. Dinner time was a challenge, figuring out what time to start, not burning the food (lol), letting go of the dirty dishes for a while so I could give the boys a bath and get them in bed, then come back and take care of the kitchen and/or laundry, or whatever else I needed to do.
To all the mom's out there, kudos to all of you! You have a huge responsibility. I thought I had gotten a feel for it while taking care of Jack and Maggie back in December. But doing it day and night, being responsible for 2 kids (or however many) 24/7, well it was a bit different. I definitely felt what it is like to wake up and immediately have someone's life under your responsibility, taking them through the motions of the day, making sure the choices they make are good ones, etc. And this I have thought of just after ONE week, imagine when/if I do have kids!
Once again, I admire all of you mom's out there, for the big task that you tackle everyday with your kids, no matter how many or how old they are!!!
When Jodi first asked me to consider it, she gave me a copy of what her schedule looked like:
Monday
7:30 - Up and going
8:45 - Take Cole to school
12:45 - Take Trey to art class
2:00 - Leave to pick up Trey
2:15 - Go to pick up Cole
5:20 - Leave to take Cole to Soccer practice
7:00 - Soccer practice is over
Tuesday
7:30 - Up and going
8:40 - Take Cole to school, then Trey to his school
1:45 - Leave to pick up Trey
etc...etc...etc...
When I first saw the schedule, I felt overwhelmed! I wasn't sure I could keep up. But Monday came, and the boys made it so easy to go through. They were wide awake at 7:30 in the morning. They immediately got up and got dressed, brushed their teeth, took their vitamins, etc. I simply had to make them breakfast, something I don't usually eat so I didn't know what else to do beside cereal. Not to worry, I got better at the breakfast thing.
Come to find out, staying on top of the schedule wasn't too bad. On the days that Trey stayed with me, we'd go out to the stores or stay at home and play games or draw. When Trey was in school, I'd come home and relax. I'd watch TV, clean, or try and figure out what I was going to do for dinner (another scary part, cause I don't cook!).
I had fun with the boys, but I have to say that there are a few things I've been thinking about...
My focus was so much on Trey when he was at home. I literally felt that if I wasn't talking to him, acknowledging his presence as he was drawing next to me while I was on the computer, or simply laughed when he said something "funny", I felt awful. And it was the same with Cole. If I didn't say anything to him after 10 minutes, I'd feel bad. I almost felt as if I was neglecting them.
And then I felt that I had to watch my every move. I had to watch every word coming out of my mouth, every reaction, statement, look, etc. I was scared to watch TV because I was worried that someone on TV would say a curse word. I finally had to ask them to watch a movie in their mom and dad's room one day, so I could watch at least an hour or two of TV.
Is that what it is like to be a mother/parent? Do you watch everything you do and say? Is it a natural change? Or is it something you have to work at?
It was tiring at times, just because I was doing so much more than I usually do. Dinner time was a challenge, figuring out what time to start, not burning the food (lol), letting go of the dirty dishes for a while so I could give the boys a bath and get them in bed, then come back and take care of the kitchen and/or laundry, or whatever else I needed to do.
To all the mom's out there, kudos to all of you! You have a huge responsibility. I thought I had gotten a feel for it while taking care of Jack and Maggie back in December. But doing it day and night, being responsible for 2 kids (or however many) 24/7, well it was a bit different. I definitely felt what it is like to wake up and immediately have someone's life under your responsibility, taking them through the motions of the day, making sure the choices they make are good ones, etc. And this I have thought of just after ONE week, imagine when/if I do have kids!
Once again, I admire all of you mom's out there, for the big task that you tackle everyday with your kids, no matter how many or how old they are!!!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Holding onto the past
So today is Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's to everyone.
I've been reading, at least attempting to read, Mark Buchanan's book Things Unseen. I've been working on this book since Christmas time. I only have 4 more chapters to finish the stinkin' book. It's been a good book, I've just gotten lazy.
I read something today that just stood out:
There are parts of who I am that I need to work on. My attitude, my impatience, etc. I've tended to attribute this to "not being okay" spiritually speaking or "I get it from my mom". But as Lance brought up Christians and sin and professing and so forth, a thought came to me. "Well gees, sin sure has a powerful hold over man, even Christians."
I couldn't help but wonder how it could be that sin can have such control over man if Christ is with us. As I wrote back to Lance to ask him about that, I began to answer my own question (sort of).
Falling into sin is disobedience. I as a Christian, know that it is wrong to have an ugly attitude towards someone, or be impatient and show my frustrations instead of being kind and expressing my feelings with love. It is up to me to decide how I will react.
Recent changes were a major eye-opener for me. I've learned quite a bit about who I am. As I sit and think of a "conversation" I had with someone a couple of weeks ago, I go back and think of my mom, and attribute my reactions to being her daughter. :) I also attribute the anger I see in myself to a lot of things from my past, especially from my relationship between my parents and me. But a couple of things I've realized and need to fully grasp is:
1. I have a helper that can help me to control my anger, feelings, and reactions.
2. It might be because of my past that I hold onto such anger, but I need to look at who I am now (in Christ), and realize that there is something much more beautiful to hold onto instead of the past, that which is to come.
3. Attributing my attitude to my mother: I can say that, but in reality, it's my choice to continue with an attitude like hers. I know Christ, and how I am commanded to be, so it is ultimately MY choice on how I act. I can no longer say it is because of my mother, or the pressures that surround me to "be better than my brother", or whatever. It is up to me. She doesn't know Christ, I do. She doesn't know any better, I do. So anyone that says "Well I can't help it", oh yes you can! (Erin, I think that's my mini-sermon. lol!).
4. If I continue to hold onto these thoughts, I can't be a tool for Christ.
This past week was a very difficult week for me. I can choose to look back and see all the negative things in it, and hold onto that and let it buld up inside of me. Or I can look at today, see what it holds, and look forward to tomorrow, and not even think about what was going thru my mind last Thursday.
Looking at who I am called to be in Christ today, and focusing on the future is the only way I can turn away from the past and let go of all this stuff that takes hold of me. And it is also the way in which I'll be able to turn from disobedience (sin), by remembering the gift of eternal life that I have received, be thankful, and try to live for the One that has given that to me.
I need to not look at "what was, or what is, but what is to come".
I've been reading, at least attempting to read, Mark Buchanan's book Things Unseen. I've been working on this book since Christmas time. I only have 4 more chapters to finish the stinkin' book. It's been a good book, I've just gotten lazy.
I read something today that just stood out:
"'Take hold,' Paul tells Timothy, 'of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presense of many witnesses.' (1 Tim 6:12) Meaning: Live in the light of forever. Choose and think and act now in the light, not of what was, not of what is, but of what is to come."Lance (pastor, if you don't know him) and I were talking about Christians that profess to be Christians but walking with attitudes and actions contrary to the gospel and holiness to which Christ has called us. The conversation ultimately led down to Christians and sin.
There are parts of who I am that I need to work on. My attitude, my impatience, etc. I've tended to attribute this to "not being okay" spiritually speaking or "I get it from my mom". But as Lance brought up Christians and sin and professing and so forth, a thought came to me. "Well gees, sin sure has a powerful hold over man, even Christians."
I couldn't help but wonder how it could be that sin can have such control over man if Christ is with us. As I wrote back to Lance to ask him about that, I began to answer my own question (sort of).
Falling into sin is disobedience. I as a Christian, know that it is wrong to have an ugly attitude towards someone, or be impatient and show my frustrations instead of being kind and expressing my feelings with love. It is up to me to decide how I will react.
Recent changes were a major eye-opener for me. I've learned quite a bit about who I am. As I sit and think of a "conversation" I had with someone a couple of weeks ago, I go back and think of my mom, and attribute my reactions to being her daughter. :) I also attribute the anger I see in myself to a lot of things from my past, especially from my relationship between my parents and me. But a couple of things I've realized and need to fully grasp is:
1. I have a helper that can help me to control my anger, feelings, and reactions.
2. It might be because of my past that I hold onto such anger, but I need to look at who I am now (in Christ), and realize that there is something much more beautiful to hold onto instead of the past, that which is to come.
3. Attributing my attitude to my mother: I can say that, but in reality, it's my choice to continue with an attitude like hers. I know Christ, and how I am commanded to be, so it is ultimately MY choice on how I act. I can no longer say it is because of my mother, or the pressures that surround me to "be better than my brother", or whatever. It is up to me. She doesn't know Christ, I do. She doesn't know any better, I do. So anyone that says "Well I can't help it", oh yes you can! (Erin, I think that's my mini-sermon. lol!).
4. If I continue to hold onto these thoughts, I can't be a tool for Christ.
This past week was a very difficult week for me. I can choose to look back and see all the negative things in it, and hold onto that and let it buld up inside of me. Or I can look at today, see what it holds, and look forward to tomorrow, and not even think about what was going thru my mind last Thursday.
Looking at who I am called to be in Christ today, and focusing on the future is the only way I can turn away from the past and let go of all this stuff that takes hold of me. And it is also the way in which I'll be able to turn from disobedience (sin), by remembering the gift of eternal life that I have received, be thankful, and try to live for the One that has given that to me.
I need to not look at "what was, or what is, but what is to come".
Friday, February 09, 2007
Children and Angels
Some interesting answers from kids about who/what angels are...
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5
I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy. Molly, 8
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8
Angels don't eat but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Regan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonia, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7.
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5
I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy. Molly, 8
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8
Angels don't eat but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Regan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonia, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Back to Him
For the past week, I've been doing a lot of sleeping during the day, my little escapes from this world. :) That has thrown me off on my sleep at night (gee, ya think!).
Well it's finally catching up with me. Apparently my body doesn't like waking up after only 2 or 3 hours of sleep at night and then trying to force the brain to work. So I lay in my bed for several hours this evening, trying to recover from staying up all night (granted, work is also to blame this time!).
I had my music on as usual, I can't sleep without music. I would doze off for about 10 minutes. Then I'd hear, "Don't let your heart be troubled...rise up my friend"* , "Here come better days..."**, or "We are covered in the love of Jesus"*** and I'd wake up. Can't explain it, but anytime there were uplifting and encouraging words, I'd wake up and just listen to them. I did this dozing off, waking up, dozing off for almost 2 hours.
But here's the most interesting part of it all...
When I finally gave up on actually falling asleep for longer than 10 or 15 minutes, I lay in my bed and looked up at the ceiling. My bed faces the window, so I could see the shadows of the light coming in through the blinds. As I lay there, the only word that kept coming through my mind was "trapped". I'm not certain why. Perhaps because as I looked at the darkness of the room, I could see that there was some light on the other side of the blinds, I could hear the cars and even people yelling, yet I was "confined" to this room for the time being. I felt trapped.
So I got up and walked into the living room to get a drink, but didn't feel like being up just then, so I lay back down. The trapped feeling just kept getting worse and worse. Thoughts of recent events and changes were running through my mind. And suddenly, those lines, those words among others, started to replay in my mind.
"Don't let your heart be troubled...": My heart was definitely troubled.
"Here come better days": Was definitely wishing that were today.
"We are covered in the love of Jesus": Amazing!
I kept replaying the songs in my head. My heart simply began to feel peace. I was just amazed, that the very thing that kept waking me up was ultimately what gave me peace. And not to mention that they went so well with how I've been feeling lately.
Most importantly, the songs that kept waking me up pointed me towards Christ! That, I know, is what ultimately gave me that peace, Christ. It literally made me stop and think about the present moment, the feelings that were taking over, life. So many concerns, so many worries, and for what? They take your focus away from the One that is seeking your attention. He shouldn't have to seek it, but unfortunately he has to at times. He definitely did that with me today!
Oh the "little things" he uses to bring our hearts and minds back to him...
*Wherever You Are by Mercy Me
**Better Days by Robbie Seay Band
***God is With Us by Michael Olson
Well it's finally catching up with me. Apparently my body doesn't like waking up after only 2 or 3 hours of sleep at night and then trying to force the brain to work. So I lay in my bed for several hours this evening, trying to recover from staying up all night (granted, work is also to blame this time!).
I had my music on as usual, I can't sleep without music. I would doze off for about 10 minutes. Then I'd hear, "Don't let your heart be troubled...rise up my friend"* , "Here come better days..."**, or "We are covered in the love of Jesus"*** and I'd wake up. Can't explain it, but anytime there were uplifting and encouraging words, I'd wake up and just listen to them. I did this dozing off, waking up, dozing off for almost 2 hours.
But here's the most interesting part of it all...
When I finally gave up on actually falling asleep for longer than 10 or 15 minutes, I lay in my bed and looked up at the ceiling. My bed faces the window, so I could see the shadows of the light coming in through the blinds. As I lay there, the only word that kept coming through my mind was "trapped". I'm not certain why. Perhaps because as I looked at the darkness of the room, I could see that there was some light on the other side of the blinds, I could hear the cars and even people yelling, yet I was "confined" to this room for the time being. I felt trapped.
So I got up and walked into the living room to get a drink, but didn't feel like being up just then, so I lay back down. The trapped feeling just kept getting worse and worse. Thoughts of recent events and changes were running through my mind. And suddenly, those lines, those words among others, started to replay in my mind.
"Don't let your heart be troubled...": My heart was definitely troubled.
"Here come better days": Was definitely wishing that were today.
"We are covered in the love of Jesus": Amazing!
I kept replaying the songs in my head. My heart simply began to feel peace. I was just amazed, that the very thing that kept waking me up was ultimately what gave me peace. And not to mention that they went so well with how I've been feeling lately.
Most importantly, the songs that kept waking me up pointed me towards Christ! That, I know, is what ultimately gave me that peace, Christ. It literally made me stop and think about the present moment, the feelings that were taking over, life. So many concerns, so many worries, and for what? They take your focus away from the One that is seeking your attention. He shouldn't have to seek it, but unfortunately he has to at times. He definitely did that with me today!
Oh the "little things" he uses to bring our hearts and minds back to him...
*Wherever You Are by Mercy Me
**Better Days by Robbie Seay Band
***God is With Us by Michael Olson
Friday, February 02, 2007
Too many gods, scary books for children, along with emotions
Monday will be week three of school. This semester has been different, but then again, Brownie warned me that's how every semester might be.
What am I taking this semester? Children's Lit, Adolescent Lit, Mythology, Philosophy and Biology. My classes have all been interesting so far, with the exception of one, philosophy. I cannot, for the life of me, understand any of the stuff that I'm reading. It is all going way over my head. It's even worse when I'm in class. Everyone seems to make some great points, but as interesting as they all sound, I am clueless. What does math have to do with the universe? Kelley, don't tell John I said that!
Children's Lit has been awesome. Children's lit is all about looking beyond the images in children's book, the pretty pictures, and the bare story. It's about trying to see how books go beyond images and simple words, to interpolate (hope that's the right word) into children how our society or culture defines who we are. It's been very interesting. We've looked at colors and shapes, and what feelings they give us, the actions taken by characters, how they might influence children.
In adolescent lit, we are focusing on censorship, books that have been censored and why. We just finished reading The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier. We are currently reading The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I am not about to speak of my views on censorship, because it is a very new thing to me. Most of the books on the list that we are reading this semester I have never read. I've only read 1 out of the 10 books required.
Mythology, that's something else I'm just now starting to understand. Some of the things we've talked about in mythology have crossed over with philosophy. I will be honest, in the beginning, I questioned a few things. But after talking with friends, my brain has settled down in the thinking area. :) The only thing I can say about mythology is that there are way too many gods! I would hate to have been the Greeks that believed in all these different gods, and having to remember which is for what. Man, too much for me. Worst of all, I have a quiz coming up next week in which 60% of the quiz is over the gods and the deities. All I can say is that I am glad I worship the one and only true God!
And biology, well let me put it to you this way, 10% is biology lecture, 90% tangents. Seriously, the professor goes off on just about anything, it's crazy. But we can tell it's going to be so easy to pass the class! I know, I know, I should be focusing on learning. But hey, I'm trying to get out in December if I can!
Earlier this week, I was asked if I would consider being an RA (resident assistant) in the hall that I work at. I honestly did consider it, but I'm trying so hard right now to set aside all the emotional drama and stay focused on my reading and classes, I don't think I can handle it. And I've seen the stress that being an RA can add onto people, so I'd rather not set myself up for disaster.
One of the girl's big thing as last semester came to a close was, "Next semester will be a new beginning for all of us". Boy was she right! Friendships are changing, some by force. I experienced that this week, and it wasn't all that easy, but I can't say it was a bad decision either. I think what has made it hard has been what my last post said, breaking free from habits. We had our routines and all that, but that can't be anymore. Something I've just got to get used to in the last few days. Like I said, it's been a tough week.
I'm learning, slowly but surely, things don't always remain the same. Seasons come and go. The season for this friendship had just passed, probably a long time ago, but I probably had neglected to either see it or accept it. Who knows...
But thanks to my friends back home, in Anna, and in Maryland (don't you ladies feel special), I have truly felt encouraged and know that things will be alright. As always, they've shared great words of wisdom. And my friends here in Commerce wonder why I always turn to them when I need help or advice. They always make me feel better, so why wouldn't I??? Go figure!
So there you have it, my update for the month of January. I couldn't help but noticed that I hadn't been on here in a while. Brownie, I hadn't had a chance to tell ya about my classes, so there you have it! Hope you've enjoyed the update! :)
What am I taking this semester? Children's Lit, Adolescent Lit, Mythology, Philosophy and Biology. My classes have all been interesting so far, with the exception of one, philosophy. I cannot, for the life of me, understand any of the stuff that I'm reading. It is all going way over my head. It's even worse when I'm in class. Everyone seems to make some great points, but as interesting as they all sound, I am clueless. What does math have to do with the universe? Kelley, don't tell John I said that!
Children's Lit has been awesome. Children's lit is all about looking beyond the images in children's book, the pretty pictures, and the bare story. It's about trying to see how books go beyond images and simple words, to interpolate (hope that's the right word) into children how our society or culture defines who we are. It's been very interesting. We've looked at colors and shapes, and what feelings they give us, the actions taken by characters, how they might influence children.
In adolescent lit, we are focusing on censorship, books that have been censored and why. We just finished reading The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier. We are currently reading The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I am not about to speak of my views on censorship, because it is a very new thing to me. Most of the books on the list that we are reading this semester I have never read. I've only read 1 out of the 10 books required.
Mythology, that's something else I'm just now starting to understand. Some of the things we've talked about in mythology have crossed over with philosophy. I will be honest, in the beginning, I questioned a few things. But after talking with friends, my brain has settled down in the thinking area. :) The only thing I can say about mythology is that there are way too many gods! I would hate to have been the Greeks that believed in all these different gods, and having to remember which is for what. Man, too much for me. Worst of all, I have a quiz coming up next week in which 60% of the quiz is over the gods and the deities. All I can say is that I am glad I worship the one and only true God!
And biology, well let me put it to you this way, 10% is biology lecture, 90% tangents. Seriously, the professor goes off on just about anything, it's crazy. But we can tell it's going to be so easy to pass the class! I know, I know, I should be focusing on learning. But hey, I'm trying to get out in December if I can!
Earlier this week, I was asked if I would consider being an RA (resident assistant) in the hall that I work at. I honestly did consider it, but I'm trying so hard right now to set aside all the emotional drama and stay focused on my reading and classes, I don't think I can handle it. And I've seen the stress that being an RA can add onto people, so I'd rather not set myself up for disaster.
One of the girl's big thing as last semester came to a close was, "Next semester will be a new beginning for all of us". Boy was she right! Friendships are changing, some by force. I experienced that this week, and it wasn't all that easy, but I can't say it was a bad decision either. I think what has made it hard has been what my last post said, breaking free from habits. We had our routines and all that, but that can't be anymore. Something I've just got to get used to in the last few days. Like I said, it's been a tough week.
I'm learning, slowly but surely, things don't always remain the same. Seasons come and go. The season for this friendship had just passed, probably a long time ago, but I probably had neglected to either see it or accept it. Who knows...
But thanks to my friends back home, in Anna, and in Maryland (don't you ladies feel special), I have truly felt encouraged and know that things will be alright. As always, they've shared great words of wisdom. And my friends here in Commerce wonder why I always turn to them when I need help or advice. They always make me feel better, so why wouldn't I??? Go figure!
So there you have it, my update for the month of January. I couldn't help but noticed that I hadn't been on here in a while. Brownie, I hadn't had a chance to tell ya about my classes, so there you have it! Hope you've enjoyed the update! :)
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