i can breathe - sort of

Grades came out tonight at midnight. I'm pleased with my grades (A, B, C, C), but not pleased with the fact that in spite of passing, I have to take one class for the 3rd time! Yep, that classes I needed a B in, I got a C. There's a song that says, "Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you" That's all I can think of as I think of this professor that refused to like my writing. And to top it off, he's my advisor. Wonderful! (total sarcasm there in case you didnt' catch that).

It's ok. I passed all my classes and that's all that matters. I'm simply left with the worst possible challenge ever, take 5 classes in my final semester. That's something I've never been able to do in the past. Oh well. Everything will be ok, I'm sure.

My dad and I actually talked about the possibility of me taking 5 classes in the spring. He was not happy about that at all. He sort of gave me an ultimatum: take 5 classes and don't work or take 5 classes, work, and not get any help on his behalf. The thought had already crossed my mind of not working. I just didn't think my dad would do something like that. Goes to show how tired he is of me being in school. Ha! Funny thing is, I turned right around and said, "Guess what, I'm going to continue with school when I'm done! So don't think this is my last semester there!" I didn't do it out of spite, it's something I want to do. I'm thinking I want to do something in Computer Science. But for now, I'll just worry about next semester.

ha, you only THINK you were rid of me!

Thanks for the title of this blog Kelley!

Wow! The semester is over and I haven't been on here since August, not once! That has got to tell you how busy I have been! For the past four months I've focused on school, working with 15 three year olds, surviving my new member semester with Gamma Phi Beta (yes, that's right, I'm in a sorority), and focusing on friendships. So let me try and give you a condensed version of everything....which I doubt will result in being "condensed".

School: It's over for the next month! How did I do this semester? That's a good question, as usual. I had some motivation this semester, Gamma Phi. Without the grades, there's no sorority. I'm pretty sure that I passed all of my classes with A's, B's, and C's. I only have a concern about one class, which required a B, advanced comp. I guess I'll find out next week when grades are posted. Although I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed that I probably didn't get the B. And I don't understand why either. My blogging is all very informal because anyone can read it. But my writing for school always has a target audience, so I work extra hard on making certain that my writing is the best possible. But for some reason, I could not please my professor at all with my writing. Oh well, I'm not going to let that define my writing. And I have to say, I'm not totally stressing out about the grade(s). I've learned to take each semester as it comes along, and more importantly, every little detail of my life as well. So no matter what the outcome is, it will all be ok!

Work: It's pretty amazing what God will do! I prayed for a job and ended up with two. I started the semester by working as night security at one of the residence halls. Within two weeks of starting, I was called for an interview at a new daycare that opened up in Greenville. And what's funny is that it's owned by two Gamma Phi alumni. They have been absolutely amazing at working with me. They let me come in late or leave early when I have school work I need to do, and especially if there's a Gamma Phi event that might take up all my time. The kids I work with are absolutely wonderful! I love each and every one of them. Unfortunately, this upcoming semester I may have to quit because I may need to take 5 classes. I already know that 5 class-semesters aren't that easy for me, but it's what I need to graduate. And my friends have been amazing at encouraging me to think positive about the upcoming 5 class-semester. Sorority also takes up a lot of my time, but not as much as work; quitting sounds like the only option for now. Once again, we'll see.

Gamma Phi Beta: I remember when I first moved to school. My main priority was school and graduating. Going out and partying and hanging out with people just wasn't my thing. A year later, one semester away from graduation (hopefully), I decided to join a sorority. Why did I do it? Well, I first did it because of my friends. I met my best friend and adopted lil' sis (my sister from another mother) Aman right before she decided to go Gamma Phi. I saw what she went through, the time that it took, and wondered if that would be something I'd ever care for. But I ultimately saw how much she had grown through Gamma Phi.

Anyway, as the summer started, I began to meet other Gamma Phi's: Kristin, Tasha, Ashley, Kim, Emmy, Andi, and many others. They all were absolutely amazing; I hung out with them all summer long. I have to say, this past summer was the best I've ever had, and it was all because of them! August came around and the girls were getting ready for RUSH. As that got closer, I began to think about Gamma Phi. Some of my friends from last semester had told me, "You're so going to be a Gamma Phi come the fall". I definitely didn't believe it, sorority was never a thought that had crossed my mind. But then I was invited to some get togethers where I got to meet all of the girls. They were so welcoming, it was great. Although I have to say, I think I began to make my decision towards the end of the summer. But meeting all the girls definitely pushed me more to say, "Yep, Gamma Phi is what I want!"

So I signed my bid and began learning everything. I think this is what ultimately has me saying that I am a Gamma Phi. I've learned what Gamma Phi Beta can do for all the girls, how it actually helped Aman grow, and can see how it will help me grow. And it won't just be for a semester, because it's a lifelong commitment. What I've learned has been absolutely amazing.

It did get stressful towards Thanksgiving because of all the activities we had going on, and the time that it was taking up. The good thing was that I'd practiced pulling all-nighters the previous semester, so it wasn't too bad. Not a single part of my new member semester was bad; it was all on the positive side. I have to say that I don't regret it one bit! I do not regret the decision to join Gamma Phi. On the other hand, I regret not having done it sooner! The only thing now is to wait for the first week of February, when we have initiation and can finally say we are Gamma Phi Beta girls!

And I have to say, it has definitely brought me many amazing friends:.

My Pledge Dawgs

Brittany Z, Amber H., Myranda W, Becca W., Alex K., Vanessa V., me (not in the pic. Brittany M)

Growing friendships

Tasha "Lou" and me in Paris, TX

My Big

My Big Sis Kristin...also Aman's Big which made us...

TWINS!!!

I have to say, finding out that my "lil sister" and best friend is now my twin, was the most amazing part of all of this. I won't write too much about her here cause I think a big part of this semester has been amazing because of Aman and the things she's taught me through our friendship...she's just an amazing person, and am so blessed that she's a part of my life. So more than likely, you'll get to "know" her more through some upcoming blogs.

And finally,

An opportunity for a second chance!

One other friendship that was non-existent for almost a year has come to exist once again. At the beginning of the spring semester, my friendships all fell through due to several reasons. As this semester was about to start, I couldn't help but wonder how I'd react if I saw one of my old friends. Aman always encouraged me to just be myself and approach them in a positive way. I think I took it a step further when I told one of those friends that we needed to talk; it was my former roommate, Erin. This all happened as we were waiting to hear of my aunt's passing, and all the girls had found out. I think this softened Erin's heart, 'cause she actually approached me first, hugged me, said she was sorry to hear about what was going on, and said "i love you" with tears in her eyes. That hug meant so much to me that night, I can't even put it into words.

So we setup a night to get together and just talk. I opened up completely and just told her everything that I had been feeling ever since we'd parted ways. I told her of the hurt and the pain that was caused. She cried as I poured my heart out about how everything that had happened had affected me. It was a great thing for us to have done that. It gave me the opportunity to finally have closure on what happened. It also gave me the opportunity to share with her a bit of who Aman is and the major role she played in helping me through all of it. And what I find amazing, is that in the end, we all came together.

This, beside Aman, was one the biggest blessings this semester. Erin and I had second chance at our friendship. Even though I was busy throughout most of the semester, we made time to talk on the phone and even hang out.

I awaited the opportunity for us to hang out because that meant that she'd get to hang out with Aman, and get to know her for who she really is. And she did, because she now has a new friend in Aman, and Aman has a friend in her as well. I can't even put into words how much that has meant to me! Because this was a major factor in our friendship ending. Everyone thought that Aman wasn't the best influence, when it was the complete opposite. The other two girls still hold their feelings towards Aman, only because they haven't given her a chance. Erin did, and she can now say without any doubts that Aman is not only a good friend, but a true friend.

The sad part of this is that Erin is now transferring to another school. She made this decision a month or so ago, and now can't back out. But if it were for her, she'd stay here, because of the rebuilding of our friendship, and the new friends that it has brought along as well.

So in the end, that's what has kept me away from good ol' blogger. I've had my down times but my amazing friends have helped me through them. Which to a point is why I haven't had a need to blog. But mainly because I was too busy to allow my thoughts to roam freely.

Tonight is my first night of nothingness, and it is driving me crazy! All my friends are gone, which makes me extremely sad. Something else to blog about (in a good way). For now, I'm out. I shall be back tomorrow, if not Sunday, to blog a bit more in detail on some aspects of this semester, and what it has brought my way. Until then, I shall go pack up so I can move out, and head to bed. Graduations start at 8:30, I'm pretty sure my friends wouldn't be happy to hear that I overslept and didn't show up!

Bring the Rain

I discovered this song yesterday. The words made me think of what my family is going through at this moment, more importantly, my aunt. My aunt (my mom's best friend of 40+ years) has been battling cancer for the past two years. In March of '05, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was doing okay, her body was fighting it quite well. Then in February of this year, they found not only that the cancer had spread throughout the body, but they also found many tumors in her brain. There were so many, that it was too risky to try to have surgery. Since then, her health began to decline greatly. July 29th, we got the call that she probably wouldn't go beyond a month. Today, exactly one month later, the doctor has said that she probably won't even make it through the night. 12 hours, that was his call.

My aunt has had her struggles just like everyone else. But what I've admired the most about her is that she fought every struggle with a smile and positive attitude. She never let anything bring her down. She's always been a fighter. Yet what I saw almost two weeks ago, I couldn't help but say that that wasn't her. She was helpless, could do nothing for herself, not even feed herself. I actually helped to feed, bathe, clothe, and even medicate her. You could tell that she was fighting, but fighting something that was completely out of her hands.

When I initially arrived at my aunt's, I was very scared to see her. All I could think is, "I'm going to see someone that has no hope in something better after this struggle ends". I saw her as fighting death because she did not know what would happen if she let go. And then, my cousin from Florida (her daughter) called me one day. As we talked, I asked her, "Has my tia (aunt) trusted Christ?" Her answer, "Yes she has. She became angry because she couldn't understand why she's had to suffer like this. But she's come to terms with it being God's will." That news brought some peace to my heart. But it was still very difficult to see her suffering the way she was.

Today, as I spoke with my cousin on the phone, both crying our hearts out, we reminded each other that we would one day get to see her again. We know the ending of this struggle is best for her. She will no longer be suffering or in pain. But more importantly, she'll be in the presence of the One that has given her life. But we still grieve.

I hate having to sit at home, knowing that they are 20+ hours away, just waiting for that moment. I sit in my apartment, with my phone at hand. I debate, "Do I call, or do I wait? Should I send a message? Do I call my cousin to check on her, see how my cousin is doing? Do I ask if my aunt is still alive?" I absolutely hate it. I feel a need within me, to be there with them. I want to be there, hold my cousin(s), comfort them as much as I can. I wish I had what it takes totake this pain away. Yet I know that I don't and I can't. My cousin tried to comfort me by saying, "You came when God felt he needed you to be here the most. He needs you there (in Texas)." It's a hard thing to grasp.

It's 2:43 am. The latest, 30 minutes ago, my aunt's breathing has slowed down greatly. Once again, I just sit with the phone in hand.

God has definitely brought the rain into our family these last few weeks, days, and especially hours. But in spite of the pain that it has caused, we will continue to praise Him, for He knows why it is that He does what He does. We can't fully understand, and probably never will. But He shall be our comfort during this time. And we will rejoice, because my aunt is going to the place that we anxiously await to go to.

"I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray"

Bring the Rain by MercyMe

It's finally over...but thoughts still linger

Well, the quinceañera has come and gone. Everything went very well. Vanessa and I woke up at 5:30 am to begin getting ready for the big day. In the time it took to take a shower and get her hair done, it was already time to head home and change into her dress so we could go to the church. This is where all the crying began.

I wasn't expecting to be the one to dress her that day, I was hoping it would be my mom, since it's the "mom" that's supposed to dress the girl. Since Maria couldn't be there, I figured my mom would take her place. I did my best to not start crying in front of her, because I couldn't help but think of Maria. So we quickly got that process done. Thank goodness we had a full house that morning, with plenty of people coming and asking what we needed to get done. As Vanessa walked out of the house, Ana (her aunt), gave her her blessing (in representation of Maria) before heading to the church. This was the first moment my mom started to cry, well second if you count when she saw Vanessa all dressed up.

We arrived at the church at 10:30 (started at 11). This was definitely a day in which I'd make certain that punctuality was a priority. We got Alondra, my 3 year old niece, to practice her entrance, since she'd be the first one to walk in. Then Nessa's escort and his mom, Vanessa's aunt with her, and then my parents right behind them. At the last minute, I was told that I'd be reading a passage from the Bible. Wasn't a problem for me, just unexpected (I like to know what's going on). The mass went great. Of course, we had another cry fest there.

After the mass, we all headed to my house to begin preparing the decorations for the reception hall. And my mom began cooking the food for the after-party. I'm telling you, my house was chaotic. Luckily, we had about 3 hours in between, so Nessa and I got out for a bit and relaxed at a much quieter house. We drove around for a bit before heading over to pick up my dress for the evening.

By the time we got back to the house, it was time to change back into her dress and head over to reception place. Aman (my sleep-loving friend) and her friend Jessie, drove in from Commerce to be my support that day(she'd seen me stressing all week long). She even arrived early at the church, which is something she is known for not doing! Gotta love her. She watched as I layered Vanessa up with everything she had to wear. All she could say was, "Dang, this is just like a wedding".

Aman, Jessie, and I stayed behind so I could finish preparing the presentation details. By the time we went to the reception hall, the entire place was decorated in pink and white. It was beautiful! It was also amazing to see how everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was helping out (even Aman and Jessie). While they finished up, I took Vanessa and Eric into another room to practice their presentation dance. They had a few parts that they were messing up, but once again, my supportive friend told me it would be alright. So we all went to eat.

Finally, it was time for the big presentation. Alondra walked in first, then Eric and his mom, and finally my mom & dad walked in, presenting Vanessa to all the guests. The first song was in Spanish "La Ultima Muñeca" - The Last Doll. The song speaks of a father walking in with a doll behind his back, but as he looks up, he sees that his little girl is no longer a little girl, but all grown up. The dad then begins to dance with his "little girl", and ultimately never even shows her the doll he had bought her. So my dad simply began dancing with Vanessa.

Man, the minute my dad heard the song, he started to cry. And you could see in Vanessa's eyes, that she was going to start crying as well. Before we knew it, everyone was crying. It's an emotional thing to know that we had seen this baby come into the world 15 years ago, had seen her grow up year after year, and ultimately turn into a young lady. This is what we saw as we saw her dancing with the only father she's ever really known - my dad, her godfather. And there's even more of an emotion when you envision how proud her mom would be of her at that moment, but she is not able to be there to witness it. So you have to know what all is going through our minds.

After she danced with my dad, two of my cousins, "aunts" to her, changed her hair piece and placed a crown on her head. It took them a while to put it on her. I remember it taking the same two cousins a long time to put the crown on my head almost 10 years ago!

And finally we did the last song, the song in which she danced for the first time as a "young lady" with a "young man". Dude, if you thought we were crying when she was dancing with my dad, you should have seen us during this song. I couldn't help but break down. I had to turn and cry on my mom's shoulder. My tears were flowing like crazy. And I had to fight them as much as I could, because everyone kept telling me, "She sees you and cries even more, don't cry in front of her". I couldn't help it. I missed Maria. And I hated that she couldn't see what I was seeing, the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen; a girl that had grown so much in the past 2 years, in the absence of her mother.

After she was done, she was nothing but tears. I took her in my arms and told her that she looked beautiful and had done an amazing job with her presentation. But then came the next tear jerker, her thank you speech to everyone. My mom had to take it and read it because Vanessa couldn't get the words out. Of course everyone was crying. And everyone cried even more when my mom read the part where Vanessa wanted to recognize her mom.

Once all that was over, we got the party started. Sweet Aman gave me just what I needed, a hug, to make it through the rest of the night. Everyone enjoyed themselves and had a good time. Jeni even showed up, right when they were playing some 50's Rock 'N Roll music. She went out and danced with my mom. She tried getting me to. I don't think so, that's not my type of music. Ha!

By 9/10 pm, I was ready to go home. At 10, everyone started cleaning up and getting ready to go to my house. I'd already warned the parental unit that I would just stop by the house to get my stuff and head back home. And that's exactly what I did. I felt bad leaving my mom with all the guests at the house, but all my aunts from Tyler where there helping her out. And I needed some rest. It had been a very tiring day. So I headed out and got on the road around 11:30. Luckily, Sara called me from San Antonio and kept me awake the entire way to Commerce. I made it home at 12:30ish, and simply crashed.

I slept in until about 1:30 pm Sunday afternoon. When I finally got up, all I could do was think of how well everything had gone the day before. We were on time to everything, nothing went wrong. I still couldn't help but think of Maria. Every time I thought of a significant event (dressing Vanessa, Vanessa's blessing as she left to the church, the mass, the presentation, etc.), all the times that Maria would have either done something or been present at and would have been smiling, well it just weighed heavily on my heart. Maria has definitely been on my mind since. All I can hope is that she was able to look down from up above and smile as she saw her beautiful daughter celebrating her quinceaños, and hoping that it was just as Maria always dreamed it would be.

Now, we all simply try to go back to our everyday lives, and simply enjoy the memories that are engraved in our minds of Vanessa's special day.

p.s. We did get plenty of pictures. As soon as I get those, I'll post them up so you can see them!

Stressful but exciting!

For the past 6 months, preparations for Vanessa's quinceañera have taken over my mom's life (and currently mine). My mom took on an extra job, which ultimately turned into 3 jobs, to raise the money necessary to make this sweet 15 happen. In case you have no idea what a sweet 15 consist of, just think of a wedding! Anyway...

Right now we are working on the "very tiny details" left to take care of...

My mom began cooking on Monday; she and Vanessa peeled 30 pounds of potatoes for a potato salad. Wednesday, she will begin cooking the briskets that she bought, which is about 8 in total. Then there's the rest of the food that other family members will be cooking to help our electric bill still as low as possible. Ha!

Along with cooking, there's the cleaning of our house. My dad decided(at the worst time possible!) to pull up the carpet. He claimed that we'd have tile by this weekend, but we knew that wouldn't be happening. This has to be one of the biggest things that bothers me, just because I know that my mom has tons, and I mean TONS of things to do, and I'm way the heck out in the middle of nowhere. I'm only an hour away, but with gas prices, it's really tough going home every day to help out. We were having the after-party at my cousins house, but for some reason, it got moved to our house. Ugh! More stress!

And the final touch that we're working on is Vanessa's dance presentation. I can't believe we waited until a month before the actual 15th to put a dance together! I remember that we started 3 months before my 15th with our dance practice. The week before my mom left on vacation, she took Vanessa to "practice" at her escort's house. Both my mom and his mom tried coming up with a dance, but were a bit unsuccessful. The following week, she left on vacation and I had no other choice but to take Vanessa to practice, and ultimately take over the dance part. Here we are, the week of the 15th, and we're still working on getting small parts of the dance just right. Unfortunately, they asked a bit of a perfectionist to take over the choreography! Thankfully, Aman came along today and helped in perfecting the dance a bit more. There are 3 days left, and only 2 more opportunities to get this dance just right! Not to mention all the music needed for the entrance, the dance with my dad, the coronation, and the song that will get the party going!

On top of that, I'm in charger of writing the Thank You speech will give that night, and the toast that my dad will be giving that night as well. I'm telling you, this is just like a stinkin' wedding!

We are really looking forward to Saturday night. Although, there is a bit of sadness, considering someone very important will be missing from the celebration, Vanessa's mom. I read out loud the thank you speech that I wrote out to my mom, the one Vanessa will read that night. I knew somehow we had to acknowledge Maria, so of course, I ended the speech with a lil' something Vanessa will say to her mom. As I started reading that part to my mom, I couldn't help but tear up. I ultimately had to stop reading and let my mom read it on her own. We both ended up in tears. Aman sat there, not completely knowing why we were crying, but I think the lil' Spanish she knows might have clued her in to why. Not to mention she and I have been talking about it for the past week or so.

I have to remember that I am still taking a class, and that a test is coming up in one day. (which btw, I made a B on the first one. Yay!) But I can't help have the 15th on my mind all day long. I'm nervous, anxious, stressed, but excited! It's going to be amazing! And Vanessa is going to look so beautiful. I can't wait!!!

"Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

The questions that runs through my mind as I listen to this song over and over again:

1)Who are the "everybody's" watching me?
2)What move will I make next?
3)What will these "everybody's" say about it?
4)Why do these "everybody's" have such control over me?

Problems caused....

"Look at the problems you cause me to have..." I don't understand these words. What problems? I run around trying to find the best solution so he doesn't have to worry about me. I hide things from him so he doesn't worry if I'm okay, or if I need something. I find my way around. I find a way to get what I need. I avoid asking him for things I do need so he can be happy. I haven't gotten into major trouble. I've worked my butt off to make him happy, and all I get is "Look at the problems you cause me to have..." I don't understand!

Epysodes and the ride called Life

Epysodes is a place I hadn't been to in almost 3 years. That's where a group of us went to last night, and man, did we have a blast. It was so awesome being out there and just having a good time dancing and enjoying ourselves. My friends were a bit surprised that I even danced, since I have a tendency to not do so at the parties that we go to. But hey, it's a club, how can you not dance???

Being out there brought back some fun memories of when I first started going to Epysodes with my friend Laura. Good time...good times!

And now, after getting home at 5:30 am, and sleeping for only 7 hours, here I am debating what to do. I have a movie date with a couple of friends tonight. We're watching Oceans 13. We'd planned on having an "Oceans" marathon, but I doubt that's going to happen.

My room (at the parents home) is a disaster! I should probably clean it up. And it is also Sunday, meaning that tomorrow I will be quizzed on my reading assignments. I haven't even looked at my history reading assignment! Whoops.

A couple of deep thoughts for today:

Aman has this thing on her myspace that says "Life isn't about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself." I've always liked reading that little statement on her profile. It reminds me of my cousins words when she said, "You're finding out who you are. You're free to discover new things now, and able to create your own world." All I can think is I already am somebody, I just haven't been able to figure out what it is that I am. Aman told me the other day, "Have a little more faith in yourself. You are capable of so many things, but you don't trust yourself enough." Hmmmm...that has definitely left me thinking.

Here is one thing that has been on my mind for some time. I heard this song by Gary Allan called "Life Ain't Always Beautiful". The main words of the song go like this:

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

CHORUS
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

etc.

This song really describes how I have felt for sometime. But more importantly, it isn't so much what I have felt as it is what I have learned. Life isn't always beautiful. How nice it would be if it were. But there are two things that I really like about this song.

"But struggles make you stronger, and changes make you wiser." You could have asked me back in March if I were strong, and I would have said "HECK NO!" My friends saw it, everyone saw it. I even look back and see how weak I was, how weak I am, and perhaps how weak I will always be. But the difference being that what I've been through, my struggles, have made me stronger in one way or another. I do see myself as a stronger person now than what I was months ago.

Then there's the other line I really like. "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride". I see the changes I've been through and think what a ride I have been on. I think of where I was before moving to Commerce, to last Spring with one friend, to this past Fall with changes in my church life, to this last semester and changes in friends. I have a sense of freedom where as before I felt as if I wasn't my own person. Don't know if that makes sense. I have friends that don't judge, totally understand and respect opinions and decisions made. I'd like to think it's the same for all of my friends.

I'm on a roller coaster ride right now. There's no other way to explain it. I have my ups and downs, more ups than downs these days, thank God! But it's all a ride.

ADD???

I am begining to wonder if I have ADD. I can no longer concentrate when reading. I can't read without stopping every 5 minutes or so and think of something else. It's quite frustrating. I have so much reading I need to do for my classes, and I can't ever finish what I need to do. I barely want to begin because I know I'm not going to get far. I'm begining to worry about this whole summer school stuff. I don't know if I can do it. Two books per week in one class, and several chapters out of two different books for the other. I have a strong urge to just drop all my classes and take a break. But oh what would become of that decision? It would take me longer to graduate. Ugh! Decisions, decisions!

Any suggestions? I'm about to give up here!

I hate this body!

I can't remember a time that I have been sick for this long. It is now a full week since I started feeling sick. It's gone from sore throat and headache to a stomach thing to sore throat and headache again to what now appears to be an ear infection. I finally had a few days of no school and I had to spend my time inside the apartment doing nothing but attempting to sleep and watch movies. I hate this, absolutely hate it. I hate this body! Cannot wait for my new one....