field of flowers

i have had this repetive dream the past couple of days....

i'm at home, but it's not my home. it more or less looks like a home in mexico. my dad has gotten so sick that he can't even get up. i get a phonecall and it's my best friend. what's weird is that as we're talking, i can actually see her sitting on her bed, playing on her computer while talking to me. it's almost like a little thought bubble (know what i mean?). i see her in this thought bubble and i think, "this is rediculous, why don't i just go over there?"

so i go outside and i see this suv. inside is my "sister" and her kids, but they are stuck. they must have taken their stupid pill because none of them knew how to unlock the doors, so they had apparently slept there. (idiots). i get the door unlocked, and they all get out. i remember my purpose in leaving the house, and leaving my dad behind. i make certain to tell my "sister" to look after dad while i'm gone.

as i head out to the road, i notice two things. first is the sky. it's this shade of dark brown and tan. the clouds look as if there's a fire they are hiding. the shades of brown and tan are just amazing, but scary at the same time. it gives me a feeling that i'm out there all alone.

second thing i see is this beautiful field of rainbow colored flowers. but they aren't your average so many inches tall flowers. the field of flowers was more like a corn field, the flowers were insanely high. and there was no other way; this was the way to get to my best friend's house. i hear a car suddenly come by and i see it drive right through the field. but the minute the car is gone, the flowers grow right back up.

suddenly fear sets in and i get too scared to cross the field. what if the flowers eat me? and i never make it to my best friend's house. i never get to see her. and all that's left is this big "wall" between us, this field of flowers.

what do you make of that dream?

Wednesday night

I wish you could see my face, I look dead. My eyes feel like they could close and never open up again. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel so tired. And I've been getting more than 8 hours of sleep; I rarely ever get 5.

Well I made a bold move today. I wrote my brother a letter. And I pretty much said everything that I have felt towards him my entire life. You'd think it was a novel (Aman thought so). It was a good three page long letter, back and forth. I just hope that writing these things out and laying everything out there will help me, and him, and just the two of us. I still haven't gone to see him, and I sort of don't plan to until March. I don't think I could handle seeing him still. I still hold quite a bit of anger. And besides, like I told him, we'd have nothing to say. We'd sit there in silence and stare at each other through a monitor. Could there be more of a distance?

I've been very blah with my classes. I'll go. I've only missed one class. But it doesn't go any further than that. I honestly don't care right now. I don't care about much. I want my distance from everybody at the moment. And my classes are so boring. Not even my computer class interest me. And that should be a shocker, especially if you know how much I love being on my computer.

So yeah, that's pretty much where I am in life right now. Doesn't my Wednesday night sound amazing?!?!

Denial

I walked around campus tonight with Vanessa, one of the girls. As we walked in the cold rain, I couldn't help but think of where I'm at right now. I couldn't help but question myself, my feelings and my thoughts.

I've been struggling for the past week with my brother being taken to jail for breaking his probation and learning that he was using drugs. This came as a bit of a shock when I first found out. And ultimately, when he was taken in on the 11th, I just carried tons of mixed feelings. I felt sorry for him. I felt that he deserved what he got. And at times, it didn't even phase me. But what I felt most was anger, anger because he has hurt my parents in such an awful way.

As school started, it has simply been hard for me to go back to my regular routine of enjoying everything and everyone around me. I just can't seem to find a happy medium. What I've done is run away from my problems.

Aman has done a pretty good job at "lecturing" me about running away. I don't take it the wrong way, she simply is trying to help me deal with whats going on. This is the first week I can't run away (she's probably happy). And of course, I'm thinking about things, cause after all that's how this blog started.

Not that I'm trying to "run away", but I just don't want to think about things. I don't want to deal with what is going on in my family. I want to just enjoy my life and everyone that's in it right now. Perhaps I want to live in denial (lol). And yes, I know, not the best thing to do.

I'm obviously having to face a lot of things right now. And it isn't just the immediate things, like my brother going to jail. But a lot of it has to do with things from the past, growing up, etc. I'm having to learn to forgive my brother, let my parents be the parents, and let them deal with things in their own way. And then there's finding a way to deal with things myself.

Doing that and trying to keep my head clear enough to be able to do my school work and stay organized with Gamma Phi right now, well it's a bit of a challenge. Oh well, I guess this is what life is all about...learning how to deal with every little thing life sends your way, whether good or bad.

slowly going back to normal...

Well, this is the beginning of week two in school. I have to say, I'M SCARED! All my english classes scare me in one way or another: Linguistics, Business Technology Writing, and Creative Writing (Fiction). Why did I sign up for these classes?!?!? I already want to pull my hair out. Alright, let me take a breathe....

Not only that, but it's also taken me time to readjust to everyone and everything, amazingly enough. I got my stuff moved into the house the Wednesday before school started, but I still stayed at Amans apartment up through most of this week. I don't know what it was, but a big part of me wasn't ready to start everything all over again. I don't know, I can't really explain it. There was a big amount of fear setting within me. I just didn't feel at home. Perhaps it was just that everything was on my mind, from personal things going on in my life to just getting back in tune with everyone. But I am finally at a point where I'm okay with being here, and surrounded once again by all these girls. And to make things even better, we will finally be initiated this upcoming Friday!!! That has become exciting once again!!!

Overall, considering certain circumstances, life is alright. Can't say too much, cause there isn't too much to say. Well, in reality there is, but I've said enough about it. Aman has been soooooo patient with me this past week, with seeing my fear of life in itself, as well as having to deal with it. Ugh...

Now, I go and get ready to go see 27 Dresses with the girls. This shall be fun!!!!

The downward spiral at the moment

I can't find the words to say what I feel right now. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. Tomorrow is the first day of school for the Spring semester. And already, I know I have a long road ahead of me. I have been struggling with feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, confussion, and anxiety all at once.

My brother's new residence is a county jail about 45 minutes from home. His mistakes in life have finally caught up with him, and he now has to pay by serving 6 months. When he told me, I didn't know what to say. A big part of me just wanted to say, "Well, what did you expect...it was bound to happy sooner or later." But I just kept my mouth shut. I'm so used to him not being around anyway, what difference would it make, right? We don't exactly hold the closest relationship.

But it's been painful. It's so hard to see my mom and dad hurting the way that they are right now. Everytime I see my dad, his eyes are bloodshot red from all the crying he's been doing, and my dad is not an emotional person. My mom, she chokes up all the time, and you can see that she's trying to be strong by holding back tears. But she too has managed to break. She, as well as my dad, question what they did wrong. My mom's words the last time she broked down, "Why am I being punished? The only son God let me keep out of all my babies, and he turns out this way. What did I do?" Do you know how hard it was to hear that? Any clue. I almost broke down, but all I could do was stay strong for them.

I've been told, "This doesn't bother you that much...". To a point, like I mentioned before, it doesn't. It all hurts because I want to protect my parents. I have felt all my life that I need to protect them from further hurt and pain by picking up my brother's slack. And it has finally happened that I can't. He couldn't have hurt them any more than he has now. And it kills me inside that I can't do anything about. I have told my mom that it isn't her fault, all the choices were made by him and no one else. But no matter what, the pain will be there. The pain of not seeing their son for six months. Wondering if he's cold, if they are feeding him well, how they are treating him....

And I get to just sit back and watch them hurt. I have felt so lost, not knowing what to do, where to go, where to hide. Because that's all I want to do, run and hide. I was at the Gamma Phi house yesterday after I was done for the day. I sat in one of the girls room for about twenty minutes when I just felt it, I was going to break and cry. I couldn't let anyone see that, so I left and went for a drive. As I drove, I felt this insane amount of energy to the point where I could just hit someone to let all of it out. All I could do was cry. And that's just about all that I do these days.

christmas break so far

so much for blogging more often during the break, huh? :) its been a busy time for me, as well as all of you. the holidays were crazy with family unexpectedly coming into town, to my trip to California.

so we spent christmas at home, just my mom and me. my dad went to mexico to spend christmas with his daughter and her family. we talked to him on christmas eve, and you could tell that everyone there was happy to have him there. and i have to say, i was very happy that my dad finally got to spend a christmas with his daughter. and what a special time, especially after being diagnosed with cancer. i know it meant a lot to my dad.

while my dad was in mexico, my mom spent most of christmas eve with my cousins from arkansas. i spent the day cleaning aman's apartment and packing up for my trip. then i went to church with a friend there in commerce, and finally headed home to spend the rest of the night with my mom and family. i will be honest, for the most part it was boring. :) but overall, it went alright.

i went to work on the 26th and headed back home so i could be at the airport at 5:30 am. needless to say, i arrived at the airport at 6 am. but in spite all of the people traveling on the 27th, i made it through check in and the security check point in an hour. i was traveling standby, so there was that concern that my trip to california would last all day. but needless to say, i wasn't taken off the plane at all, and went from dallas, to austin, to vegas, to california. it was a long day, but i finally arrived to see my amazing friend, jessie!

aman's situation at home was a lil different than the last time i went to cali, so i spent the entire time at jessies. i still had a great time. we went to a party at her brother's house that friday night for a 21st brithday. we had a blast there!



i finally got to go up to idyllwild, ca, which is like 30 minutes away from hemet (aman's hometown). it is absolutely gorgeous! i loved it! it was the cutest little town i'd ever seen, and we even got to see a lil bit of snow.

is this not a gorgeous view or what?

we also went the ocean at night. omg, that was the best!we walked on the pier and had a small fire going in this pit. we played in the water for a bit. amazingly enough, it wasn't as cold as aman had told us it would be. it was rather nice. met a couple of homeless guys. well, not met, but saw. that was rather interesting. one just came up and stood next to us and our fire. i definitely loved going to the beach at night. laying on the sand, staring up at the stars, and listening to the waves, oh my god, what could be better???

darrel having fun with the fire

cool picture from the piere

my birthday was this past monday. yep, i'm getting old...25. gosh. all my friends were like, "so what did you do, did you party...etc?" actually, no! me, jessie, aman, akshay (aman's brother), and her two cousins went back up to idyllwild and walked around and just hung out. we spent a about three hours up there. aman's cousins were tons of fun to hang out with.

the girls...me, jasmine, aman, jasreen, and jessie

aman and jasreen kissing a super hot guy *lol*

aman showing akshay how much she loves her lil bro

later on that night, jessie and i headed over to her brother's for the night. we were planning on going to the rose parade in pasadena in the morning. but of course, that didn't happen after staying up until 3 am.

my last day there, we all went to go see I Am Legend. the movie was great, i really liked it. i'm not about to tell you what it's about, cause i'm awful at giving a description without giving the ending.

i went and said g-bye to manjeet, aman's mom, afterwards. i swear, that was the most emotional part of my entire trip. she had cooked some indian soup and toritllas and packed some up for me and jessie to eat at home. i was getting ready to give manjeet a hug when she said, "thank you..." and just broke down into tears. oh my gosh, if i could tell you how i felt at that point. she just grabbed a hold of me and held me tight. i grabbed her and did not want to let go. she thanked me for caring so much about aman and loving her like i do, and always being there, etc. i couldn't find any words to express how much aman and her mean to me. i dunno, it was just a very touching moment.

we headed to the airport wednesday at noon, since the airport was about 2 hours away. i got to wait for two hours for my flight. but oh my gosh, it was so worth the wait. the take off was AMAZING! if i had my camera, you'd get to see a picture of what i saw. i looked out the window, and i saw the beach and water. it was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen! at one point, i couldn't tell where the water and sky separated. i'm telling you, it was amazing.

i made it home at 11:50 pm on wednesday night, to find out that my suitcase (as usual) did not make it to dallas. with frustrated parents hounding me to hurry up and get things figured out, i gave american airlines my commerce address. hey, they said they'd deliver my suitcase, so why not deliver it where i am actually at? we got home around 1 am, and i immediately left for commerce, and arrived at about 2:30 am. and here i sit, 5 hours after getting a call "i'll be on my way shortly to deliver your suitcase", and still it has not arrived. fortunately, i did get my bag with my work jeans!

i have about 2 weeks left of my break. what will i do between now and then...work my last two weeks at the daycare, hang out with my friends that will slowly come back to commerce, see a few friends i didn't see all semester long, move into the gamma phi house, get plenty of rest, and just get ready for this upcoming semester. i'm nervous and excited!

18 hours

I sat down at about 7 pm to try and figure out my schedule for the spring semester. 4 1/2 hours later, I finally got something that looked pretty decent, and the courses seem to not be too bad. I found out that I didn't need to retake that one English course, like I was anticipating. However, ends up that one of the courses I took didn't even count towards my degree. So that left me with not needing 15 hours, but 18 (6 classes). My brain is literally exhausted. My friend and I were on the phone that entire time, as she tried to help me figure out what courses to take, what professors were the easiest, and what classes would fit in with my schedule.

6 classes doesn't sound too difficult, especially since I already told them at work that I'm quitting. But man, the thought terrifies me. I almost want to just tell my dad, " Please, let me graduate in the summer, or next fall!" But I also just want to get this over with, now that I know this is all that I need! I have a good 3 weeks left. I better get all the R&R my brain needs, cause I know there won't be any time for it come January 14.

Should I go ahead and pull my hair out now, and come back bald to school on the 14th??? If I'm going to pull it out then, why not get a head start!

what could have been...

On another note...this is a somewhat of a reminiscent picture



I can't really explain what I felt when I saw this picture. Sadness, tons of it. I was going to go to Sophie's graduation. I knew that this would mean that we would all be together again. And in the long run, that was a thought that simply hurt. So I didn't go. I used the excuse that I was sick when Erin called to wake me up, just so I wouldn't have to say, "I can't do it. I can't face Loma. I can't face us all being together again." I know that it was all about Sophie's graduation, but my own personal feelings overpowered everything within me to deal with the circumstances.

I didn't think I'd actually see her but I did, as I was saying my final good-bye to Erin. All I could do was get out of there, and that's exactly what I did. As much as I say that I've moved on, because 99.9% of me has, that .01% hasn't. And I could immediately tell with the feelings that have come over me the past couple of days.

I feel absolutely blessed with the friends that I have: Aman, who helped me get through the pain of this entire ordeal and has never left my side since, Tasha who is always encouraging, Vanessa, Brittany, and Alex who are simply amazing. But ultimately, I think what doesn't let me move on is the fact that I know Loma and I aren't "okay". Like Erin (Brownie) said as I was telling her a bit about how I was feeling, "it might be years before there's absolutely nothing that bothers you. but then, that usually happens when you and Loma have had a heart-to-heart and completely cleared the air." I know this for a fact because that's what happened with Erin (roommate). We sat down and talked, as hard as that was. I just don't know if I'll ever have that chance with Loma. I don't expect a friendship, I just want closure.

I'm glad that the girls were there for Sophie. Maybe it was for the best....for now I'm just left thinking about things. It's a beautiful picture...I just wish things could have been a lil' different.

i can breathe - sort of

Grades came out tonight at midnight. I'm pleased with my grades (A, B, C, C), but not pleased with the fact that in spite of passing, I have to take one class for the 3rd time! Yep, that classes I needed a B in, I got a C. There's a song that says, "Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you" That's all I can think of as I think of this professor that refused to like my writing. And to top it off, he's my advisor. Wonderful! (total sarcasm there in case you didnt' catch that).

It's ok. I passed all my classes and that's all that matters. I'm simply left with the worst possible challenge ever, take 5 classes in my final semester. That's something I've never been able to do in the past. Oh well. Everything will be ok, I'm sure.

My dad and I actually talked about the possibility of me taking 5 classes in the spring. He was not happy about that at all. He sort of gave me an ultimatum: take 5 classes and don't work or take 5 classes, work, and not get any help on his behalf. The thought had already crossed my mind of not working. I just didn't think my dad would do something like that. Goes to show how tired he is of me being in school. Ha! Funny thing is, I turned right around and said, "Guess what, I'm going to continue with school when I'm done! So don't think this is my last semester there!" I didn't do it out of spite, it's something I want to do. I'm thinking I want to do something in Computer Science. But for now, I'll just worry about next semester.

ha, you only THINK you were rid of me!

Thanks for the title of this blog Kelley!

Wow! The semester is over and I haven't been on here since August, not once! That has got to tell you how busy I have been! For the past four months I've focused on school, working with 15 three year olds, surviving my new member semester with Gamma Phi Beta (yes, that's right, I'm in a sorority), and focusing on friendships. So let me try and give you a condensed version of everything....which I doubt will result in being "condensed".

School: It's over for the next month! How did I do this semester? That's a good question, as usual. I had some motivation this semester, Gamma Phi. Without the grades, there's no sorority. I'm pretty sure that I passed all of my classes with A's, B's, and C's. I only have a concern about one class, which required a B, advanced comp. I guess I'll find out next week when grades are posted. Although I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed that I probably didn't get the B. And I don't understand why either. My blogging is all very informal because anyone can read it. But my writing for school always has a target audience, so I work extra hard on making certain that my writing is the best possible. But for some reason, I could not please my professor at all with my writing. Oh well, I'm not going to let that define my writing. And I have to say, I'm not totally stressing out about the grade(s). I've learned to take each semester as it comes along, and more importantly, every little detail of my life as well. So no matter what the outcome is, it will all be ok!

Work: It's pretty amazing what God will do! I prayed for a job and ended up with two. I started the semester by working as night security at one of the residence halls. Within two weeks of starting, I was called for an interview at a new daycare that opened up in Greenville. And what's funny is that it's owned by two Gamma Phi alumni. They have been absolutely amazing at working with me. They let me come in late or leave early when I have school work I need to do, and especially if there's a Gamma Phi event that might take up all my time. The kids I work with are absolutely wonderful! I love each and every one of them. Unfortunately, this upcoming semester I may have to quit because I may need to take 5 classes. I already know that 5 class-semesters aren't that easy for me, but it's what I need to graduate. And my friends have been amazing at encouraging me to think positive about the upcoming 5 class-semester. Sorority also takes up a lot of my time, but not as much as work; quitting sounds like the only option for now. Once again, we'll see.

Gamma Phi Beta: I remember when I first moved to school. My main priority was school and graduating. Going out and partying and hanging out with people just wasn't my thing. A year later, one semester away from graduation (hopefully), I decided to join a sorority. Why did I do it? Well, I first did it because of my friends. I met my best friend and adopted lil' sis (my sister from another mother) Aman right before she decided to go Gamma Phi. I saw what she went through, the time that it took, and wondered if that would be something I'd ever care for. But I ultimately saw how much she had grown through Gamma Phi.

Anyway, as the summer started, I began to meet other Gamma Phi's: Kristin, Tasha, Ashley, Kim, Emmy, Andi, and many others. They all were absolutely amazing; I hung out with them all summer long. I have to say, this past summer was the best I've ever had, and it was all because of them! August came around and the girls were getting ready for RUSH. As that got closer, I began to think about Gamma Phi. Some of my friends from last semester had told me, "You're so going to be a Gamma Phi come the fall". I definitely didn't believe it, sorority was never a thought that had crossed my mind. But then I was invited to some get togethers where I got to meet all of the girls. They were so welcoming, it was great. Although I have to say, I think I began to make my decision towards the end of the summer. But meeting all the girls definitely pushed me more to say, "Yep, Gamma Phi is what I want!"

So I signed my bid and began learning everything. I think this is what ultimately has me saying that I am a Gamma Phi. I've learned what Gamma Phi Beta can do for all the girls, how it actually helped Aman grow, and can see how it will help me grow. And it won't just be for a semester, because it's a lifelong commitment. What I've learned has been absolutely amazing.

It did get stressful towards Thanksgiving because of all the activities we had going on, and the time that it was taking up. The good thing was that I'd practiced pulling all-nighters the previous semester, so it wasn't too bad. Not a single part of my new member semester was bad; it was all on the positive side. I have to say that I don't regret it one bit! I do not regret the decision to join Gamma Phi. On the other hand, I regret not having done it sooner! The only thing now is to wait for the first week of February, when we have initiation and can finally say we are Gamma Phi Beta girls!

And I have to say, it has definitely brought me many amazing friends:.

My Pledge Dawgs

Brittany Z, Amber H., Myranda W, Becca W., Alex K., Vanessa V., me (not in the pic. Brittany M)

Growing friendships

Tasha "Lou" and me in Paris, TX

My Big

My Big Sis Kristin...also Aman's Big which made us...

TWINS!!!

I have to say, finding out that my "lil sister" and best friend is now my twin, was the most amazing part of all of this. I won't write too much about her here cause I think a big part of this semester has been amazing because of Aman and the things she's taught me through our friendship...she's just an amazing person, and am so blessed that she's a part of my life. So more than likely, you'll get to "know" her more through some upcoming blogs.

And finally,

An opportunity for a second chance!

One other friendship that was non-existent for almost a year has come to exist once again. At the beginning of the spring semester, my friendships all fell through due to several reasons. As this semester was about to start, I couldn't help but wonder how I'd react if I saw one of my old friends. Aman always encouraged me to just be myself and approach them in a positive way. I think I took it a step further when I told one of those friends that we needed to talk; it was my former roommate, Erin. This all happened as we were waiting to hear of my aunt's passing, and all the girls had found out. I think this softened Erin's heart, 'cause she actually approached me first, hugged me, said she was sorry to hear about what was going on, and said "i love you" with tears in her eyes. That hug meant so much to me that night, I can't even put it into words.

So we setup a night to get together and just talk. I opened up completely and just told her everything that I had been feeling ever since we'd parted ways. I told her of the hurt and the pain that was caused. She cried as I poured my heart out about how everything that had happened had affected me. It was a great thing for us to have done that. It gave me the opportunity to finally have closure on what happened. It also gave me the opportunity to share with her a bit of who Aman is and the major role she played in helping me through all of it. And what I find amazing, is that in the end, we all came together.

This, beside Aman, was one the biggest blessings this semester. Erin and I had second chance at our friendship. Even though I was busy throughout most of the semester, we made time to talk on the phone and even hang out.

I awaited the opportunity for us to hang out because that meant that she'd get to hang out with Aman, and get to know her for who she really is. And she did, because she now has a new friend in Aman, and Aman has a friend in her as well. I can't even put into words how much that has meant to me! Because this was a major factor in our friendship ending. Everyone thought that Aman wasn't the best influence, when it was the complete opposite. The other two girls still hold their feelings towards Aman, only because they haven't given her a chance. Erin did, and she can now say without any doubts that Aman is not only a good friend, but a true friend.

The sad part of this is that Erin is now transferring to another school. She made this decision a month or so ago, and now can't back out. But if it were for her, she'd stay here, because of the rebuilding of our friendship, and the new friends that it has brought along as well.

So in the end, that's what has kept me away from good ol' blogger. I've had my down times but my amazing friends have helped me through them. Which to a point is why I haven't had a need to blog. But mainly because I was too busy to allow my thoughts to roam freely.

Tonight is my first night of nothingness, and it is driving me crazy! All my friends are gone, which makes me extremely sad. Something else to blog about (in a good way). For now, I'm out. I shall be back tomorrow, if not Sunday, to blog a bit more in detail on some aspects of this semester, and what it has brought my way. Until then, I shall go pack up so I can move out, and head to bed. Graduations start at 8:30, I'm pretty sure my friends wouldn't be happy to hear that I overslept and didn't show up!