Wish I was a kid again in the summer time...

It's Monday, first day of summer, at least 3 week summer break for me. And I have to say, I pretty much hate it so far. No more waking up and walking downstairs into a living room full of girls talking and laughing. Now I walk downstairs into an empty apartment, except for when Amanda is here. No more walking down the hall just to find someone to run to wal-mart with me. No more 2/3 am runs to Taco Bell. Ugh! It's amazing how what seemed so little and insignificant at one point has now turned into special little moments and memories.

This summer is definitely not going to be like last summer, and I don't even know if there are any chances of it coming close to being as amazing as last summer was. Aman sat in her apartment Friday night, as we finished packing up her car, and said it herself, "We'll never have a summer like that one again." Hmmm...

I think what adds to that thought is the simple fact that Aman is gone. California, then to St. Lucia for 18 months. Saturday morning was a difficult one, having to say goodbye, and watch her drive off. I did good at holding in the tears. That is until my mom called me 3 hours later and asked when Aman was leaving. When I said that she'd already left, she got real quiet and said, "Awww, I'm sorry". Yeah, I pretty much broke down on the phone. And seeing the girls that were still in town and no Aman made it kind of hard. But none the less, here I am. All I can do is sigh when things remind me of her. And it definitely doesn't make it any easier that I moved into the aparment next door to her old one.

Our last picture together...

There's something special about Aman and my friendship. She's different from other friends that I have had. I've seen her fight for friendships that didn't seem significant to others, but that to her meant the world. So I have faith that our friendship will be a lasting one. She's that little sister God didnt' give me. She already knows she has to be around when I get married (if I ever do) and when I have kids (again, if that ever happens). And we joke around that when we get old, and living in a nursing home, we'll still know how to have fun. We'll simply jump in our motorized scooters and race down the hall. LOL! It's just hard because it won't be the same not having her here, and being able to experience things together. But we'll still be able to share them with each other. And I'm certain we'll be there when important events come around in each of our lives.

It's time for changes now. The first has happened, friends leaving. Next is finding a job, which I don't really look forward to. Then starting up my final 4 classes, and graduating in August. I still haven't the slightest idea of what I'll be doing after graduation. One thing I do know is that four of us girls are getting together and taking a road trip to Cali to see Aman one last time before she heads out to the island. Won't be the last one for me, cause I'm going to do everything in my power to save up money to go visit her in St. Lucia. But if we have the chance to see her before she leaves, we are definitely taking it. It's going to be my personal graduation gift. And anyone considering giving me a gift, keep $$$ in mind. Baha.

I guess I'll have a bit more time now to blog more often. There's no one to keep me busy or entertained. Kelley told me last night to enjoy the quiet and relax. I honestly don't know if I can handle too much quiet. I love having people around. Heck, the first thing I thought of this morning was "Who could I possibly get to come over?" Oh well. I guess it's time to go take care of the job hunt. Although, seeing how nice it is outside, I'm thinking I might go to the pool instead.

2 weeks left!

Yep, that's right, only 2 weeks left, and this semester is over. I'm not exactly looking forward to it ending. As much as I need my break from some of the girls, there are so many changes coming, and I don't really know how to take them all in.

Aman is leaving to Cali in 2 weeks, then to St. Lucia in August. I'm excited for her. She's another step closer to finishing her education and getting out in the real world as a doctor. But it's a saddening thought in my heart. This is the person that pulled me out of the most difficult time last year, from changing friendships to the loss of close ones. She has taught me so many things about myself. She has helped me grow in ways I didn't think it would be possible for me to grow. I am who I am right now, because of her. She's given me a new outlook on people and on things.

When she first told me on Tuesday that her advisor told her she'd be going, I couldn't help but have fear set on in. I worried. We've told each other that we will be friends for the rest of our lives. And I never doubted that. But then after the next 2 weeks, I don't know when will be the next time we'll see each other. I mean, she's going to be thousands of miles away. But then I stepped back and realized that as much as I may think of her as blood and as my lil sister, and she think of me as blood as well, we have an even tighter bond now, the bond of sisterhood. She is my Twin. That will never change. I know that will always keep us together, Gamma Phi. But it's still a hard thing to just let her go.

Another change is that after the summer is over, I will be done with school. I have been given the okay to being my graduation application process in the summer. Graduation is August 9th. I am entering a new stage in life. It's a scary stage. I honestly don't know if I'm ready to "grow up". But it eventually has to happen. I know. I'm not certain of what I'll do, where I'll go, or where I'll live. A big part of me wants to stay in Commerce for at least a semester. To give me some time to adjust, cause I will definitely need an adjustment period.

It will also help me adjust to leaving my sisters. I'm so not ready to leave them behind. I want to see where my chapter is going, and I won't be able to be a part of it 100% when I'm done with school. I'm not certain that I want to go alum just yet.

All these changes, and I don't do changes!!! So believe me, there's much stress and hesitation with time going on right now in my mind. The most difficult part I think is going to be the day I have to say bye to Aman. I wasn't really expecting that to happen so soon. I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes....

Until then, I shall try to think about studying for finals, finishing off final papers, and the excitement of what tonight holds. Initiation. I'm finally on the other end of this night, and so far, it's been absolutely amazing!!!!

field of flowers

i have had this repetive dream the past couple of days....

i'm at home, but it's not my home. it more or less looks like a home in mexico. my dad has gotten so sick that he can't even get up. i get a phonecall and it's my best friend. what's weird is that as we're talking, i can actually see her sitting on her bed, playing on her computer while talking to me. it's almost like a little thought bubble (know what i mean?). i see her in this thought bubble and i think, "this is rediculous, why don't i just go over there?"

so i go outside and i see this suv. inside is my "sister" and her kids, but they are stuck. they must have taken their stupid pill because none of them knew how to unlock the doors, so they had apparently slept there. (idiots). i get the door unlocked, and they all get out. i remember my purpose in leaving the house, and leaving my dad behind. i make certain to tell my "sister" to look after dad while i'm gone.

as i head out to the road, i notice two things. first is the sky. it's this shade of dark brown and tan. the clouds look as if there's a fire they are hiding. the shades of brown and tan are just amazing, but scary at the same time. it gives me a feeling that i'm out there all alone.

second thing i see is this beautiful field of rainbow colored flowers. but they aren't your average so many inches tall flowers. the field of flowers was more like a corn field, the flowers were insanely high. and there was no other way; this was the way to get to my best friend's house. i hear a car suddenly come by and i see it drive right through the field. but the minute the car is gone, the flowers grow right back up.

suddenly fear sets in and i get too scared to cross the field. what if the flowers eat me? and i never make it to my best friend's house. i never get to see her. and all that's left is this big "wall" between us, this field of flowers.

what do you make of that dream?

Wednesday night

I wish you could see my face, I look dead. My eyes feel like they could close and never open up again. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel so tired. And I've been getting more than 8 hours of sleep; I rarely ever get 5.

Well I made a bold move today. I wrote my brother a letter. And I pretty much said everything that I have felt towards him my entire life. You'd think it was a novel (Aman thought so). It was a good three page long letter, back and forth. I just hope that writing these things out and laying everything out there will help me, and him, and just the two of us. I still haven't gone to see him, and I sort of don't plan to until March. I don't think I could handle seeing him still. I still hold quite a bit of anger. And besides, like I told him, we'd have nothing to say. We'd sit there in silence and stare at each other through a monitor. Could there be more of a distance?

I've been very blah with my classes. I'll go. I've only missed one class. But it doesn't go any further than that. I honestly don't care right now. I don't care about much. I want my distance from everybody at the moment. And my classes are so boring. Not even my computer class interest me. And that should be a shocker, especially if you know how much I love being on my computer.

So yeah, that's pretty much where I am in life right now. Doesn't my Wednesday night sound amazing?!?!

Denial

I walked around campus tonight with Vanessa, one of the girls. As we walked in the cold rain, I couldn't help but think of where I'm at right now. I couldn't help but question myself, my feelings and my thoughts.

I've been struggling for the past week with my brother being taken to jail for breaking his probation and learning that he was using drugs. This came as a bit of a shock when I first found out. And ultimately, when he was taken in on the 11th, I just carried tons of mixed feelings. I felt sorry for him. I felt that he deserved what he got. And at times, it didn't even phase me. But what I felt most was anger, anger because he has hurt my parents in such an awful way.

As school started, it has simply been hard for me to go back to my regular routine of enjoying everything and everyone around me. I just can't seem to find a happy medium. What I've done is run away from my problems.

Aman has done a pretty good job at "lecturing" me about running away. I don't take it the wrong way, she simply is trying to help me deal with whats going on. This is the first week I can't run away (she's probably happy). And of course, I'm thinking about things, cause after all that's how this blog started.

Not that I'm trying to "run away", but I just don't want to think about things. I don't want to deal with what is going on in my family. I want to just enjoy my life and everyone that's in it right now. Perhaps I want to live in denial (lol). And yes, I know, not the best thing to do.

I'm obviously having to face a lot of things right now. And it isn't just the immediate things, like my brother going to jail. But a lot of it has to do with things from the past, growing up, etc. I'm having to learn to forgive my brother, let my parents be the parents, and let them deal with things in their own way. And then there's finding a way to deal with things myself.

Doing that and trying to keep my head clear enough to be able to do my school work and stay organized with Gamma Phi right now, well it's a bit of a challenge. Oh well, I guess this is what life is all about...learning how to deal with every little thing life sends your way, whether good or bad.

slowly going back to normal...

Well, this is the beginning of week two in school. I have to say, I'M SCARED! All my english classes scare me in one way or another: Linguistics, Business Technology Writing, and Creative Writing (Fiction). Why did I sign up for these classes?!?!? I already want to pull my hair out. Alright, let me take a breathe....

Not only that, but it's also taken me time to readjust to everyone and everything, amazingly enough. I got my stuff moved into the house the Wednesday before school started, but I still stayed at Amans apartment up through most of this week. I don't know what it was, but a big part of me wasn't ready to start everything all over again. I don't know, I can't really explain it. There was a big amount of fear setting within me. I just didn't feel at home. Perhaps it was just that everything was on my mind, from personal things going on in my life to just getting back in tune with everyone. But I am finally at a point where I'm okay with being here, and surrounded once again by all these girls. And to make things even better, we will finally be initiated this upcoming Friday!!! That has become exciting once again!!!

Overall, considering certain circumstances, life is alright. Can't say too much, cause there isn't too much to say. Well, in reality there is, but I've said enough about it. Aman has been soooooo patient with me this past week, with seeing my fear of life in itself, as well as having to deal with it. Ugh...

Now, I go and get ready to go see 27 Dresses with the girls. This shall be fun!!!!

The downward spiral at the moment

I can't find the words to say what I feel right now. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. Tomorrow is the first day of school for the Spring semester. And already, I know I have a long road ahead of me. I have been struggling with feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, confussion, and anxiety all at once.

My brother's new residence is a county jail about 45 minutes from home. His mistakes in life have finally caught up with him, and he now has to pay by serving 6 months. When he told me, I didn't know what to say. A big part of me just wanted to say, "Well, what did you expect...it was bound to happy sooner or later." But I just kept my mouth shut. I'm so used to him not being around anyway, what difference would it make, right? We don't exactly hold the closest relationship.

But it's been painful. It's so hard to see my mom and dad hurting the way that they are right now. Everytime I see my dad, his eyes are bloodshot red from all the crying he's been doing, and my dad is not an emotional person. My mom, she chokes up all the time, and you can see that she's trying to be strong by holding back tears. But she too has managed to break. She, as well as my dad, question what they did wrong. My mom's words the last time she broked down, "Why am I being punished? The only son God let me keep out of all my babies, and he turns out this way. What did I do?" Do you know how hard it was to hear that? Any clue. I almost broke down, but all I could do was stay strong for them.

I've been told, "This doesn't bother you that much...". To a point, like I mentioned before, it doesn't. It all hurts because I want to protect my parents. I have felt all my life that I need to protect them from further hurt and pain by picking up my brother's slack. And it has finally happened that I can't. He couldn't have hurt them any more than he has now. And it kills me inside that I can't do anything about. I have told my mom that it isn't her fault, all the choices were made by him and no one else. But no matter what, the pain will be there. The pain of not seeing their son for six months. Wondering if he's cold, if they are feeding him well, how they are treating him....

And I get to just sit back and watch them hurt. I have felt so lost, not knowing what to do, where to go, where to hide. Because that's all I want to do, run and hide. I was at the Gamma Phi house yesterday after I was done for the day. I sat in one of the girls room for about twenty minutes when I just felt it, I was going to break and cry. I couldn't let anyone see that, so I left and went for a drive. As I drove, I felt this insane amount of energy to the point where I could just hit someone to let all of it out. All I could do was cry. And that's just about all that I do these days.

christmas break so far

so much for blogging more often during the break, huh? :) its been a busy time for me, as well as all of you. the holidays were crazy with family unexpectedly coming into town, to my trip to California.

so we spent christmas at home, just my mom and me. my dad went to mexico to spend christmas with his daughter and her family. we talked to him on christmas eve, and you could tell that everyone there was happy to have him there. and i have to say, i was very happy that my dad finally got to spend a christmas with his daughter. and what a special time, especially after being diagnosed with cancer. i know it meant a lot to my dad.

while my dad was in mexico, my mom spent most of christmas eve with my cousins from arkansas. i spent the day cleaning aman's apartment and packing up for my trip. then i went to church with a friend there in commerce, and finally headed home to spend the rest of the night with my mom and family. i will be honest, for the most part it was boring. :) but overall, it went alright.

i went to work on the 26th and headed back home so i could be at the airport at 5:30 am. needless to say, i arrived at the airport at 6 am. but in spite all of the people traveling on the 27th, i made it through check in and the security check point in an hour. i was traveling standby, so there was that concern that my trip to california would last all day. but needless to say, i wasn't taken off the plane at all, and went from dallas, to austin, to vegas, to california. it was a long day, but i finally arrived to see my amazing friend, jessie!

aman's situation at home was a lil different than the last time i went to cali, so i spent the entire time at jessies. i still had a great time. we went to a party at her brother's house that friday night for a 21st brithday. we had a blast there!



i finally got to go up to idyllwild, ca, which is like 30 minutes away from hemet (aman's hometown). it is absolutely gorgeous! i loved it! it was the cutest little town i'd ever seen, and we even got to see a lil bit of snow.

is this not a gorgeous view or what?

we also went the ocean at night. omg, that was the best!we walked on the pier and had a small fire going in this pit. we played in the water for a bit. amazingly enough, it wasn't as cold as aman had told us it would be. it was rather nice. met a couple of homeless guys. well, not met, but saw. that was rather interesting. one just came up and stood next to us and our fire. i definitely loved going to the beach at night. laying on the sand, staring up at the stars, and listening to the waves, oh my god, what could be better???

darrel having fun with the fire

cool picture from the piere

my birthday was this past monday. yep, i'm getting old...25. gosh. all my friends were like, "so what did you do, did you party...etc?" actually, no! me, jessie, aman, akshay (aman's brother), and her two cousins went back up to idyllwild and walked around and just hung out. we spent a about three hours up there. aman's cousins were tons of fun to hang out with.

the girls...me, jasmine, aman, jasreen, and jessie

aman and jasreen kissing a super hot guy *lol*

aman showing akshay how much she loves her lil bro

later on that night, jessie and i headed over to her brother's for the night. we were planning on going to the rose parade in pasadena in the morning. but of course, that didn't happen after staying up until 3 am.

my last day there, we all went to go see I Am Legend. the movie was great, i really liked it. i'm not about to tell you what it's about, cause i'm awful at giving a description without giving the ending.

i went and said g-bye to manjeet, aman's mom, afterwards. i swear, that was the most emotional part of my entire trip. she had cooked some indian soup and toritllas and packed some up for me and jessie to eat at home. i was getting ready to give manjeet a hug when she said, "thank you..." and just broke down into tears. oh my gosh, if i could tell you how i felt at that point. she just grabbed a hold of me and held me tight. i grabbed her and did not want to let go. she thanked me for caring so much about aman and loving her like i do, and always being there, etc. i couldn't find any words to express how much aman and her mean to me. i dunno, it was just a very touching moment.

we headed to the airport wednesday at noon, since the airport was about 2 hours away. i got to wait for two hours for my flight. but oh my gosh, it was so worth the wait. the take off was AMAZING! if i had my camera, you'd get to see a picture of what i saw. i looked out the window, and i saw the beach and water. it was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen! at one point, i couldn't tell where the water and sky separated. i'm telling you, it was amazing.

i made it home at 11:50 pm on wednesday night, to find out that my suitcase (as usual) did not make it to dallas. with frustrated parents hounding me to hurry up and get things figured out, i gave american airlines my commerce address. hey, they said they'd deliver my suitcase, so why not deliver it where i am actually at? we got home around 1 am, and i immediately left for commerce, and arrived at about 2:30 am. and here i sit, 5 hours after getting a call "i'll be on my way shortly to deliver your suitcase", and still it has not arrived. fortunately, i did get my bag with my work jeans!

i have about 2 weeks left of my break. what will i do between now and then...work my last two weeks at the daycare, hang out with my friends that will slowly come back to commerce, see a few friends i didn't see all semester long, move into the gamma phi house, get plenty of rest, and just get ready for this upcoming semester. i'm nervous and excited!

18 hours

I sat down at about 7 pm to try and figure out my schedule for the spring semester. 4 1/2 hours later, I finally got something that looked pretty decent, and the courses seem to not be too bad. I found out that I didn't need to retake that one English course, like I was anticipating. However, ends up that one of the courses I took didn't even count towards my degree. So that left me with not needing 15 hours, but 18 (6 classes). My brain is literally exhausted. My friend and I were on the phone that entire time, as she tried to help me figure out what courses to take, what professors were the easiest, and what classes would fit in with my schedule.

6 classes doesn't sound too difficult, especially since I already told them at work that I'm quitting. But man, the thought terrifies me. I almost want to just tell my dad, " Please, let me graduate in the summer, or next fall!" But I also just want to get this over with, now that I know this is all that I need! I have a good 3 weeks left. I better get all the R&R my brain needs, cause I know there won't be any time for it come January 14.

Should I go ahead and pull my hair out now, and come back bald to school on the 14th??? If I'm going to pull it out then, why not get a head start!

what could have been...

On another note...this is a somewhat of a reminiscent picture



I can't really explain what I felt when I saw this picture. Sadness, tons of it. I was going to go to Sophie's graduation. I knew that this would mean that we would all be together again. And in the long run, that was a thought that simply hurt. So I didn't go. I used the excuse that I was sick when Erin called to wake me up, just so I wouldn't have to say, "I can't do it. I can't face Loma. I can't face us all being together again." I know that it was all about Sophie's graduation, but my own personal feelings overpowered everything within me to deal with the circumstances.

I didn't think I'd actually see her but I did, as I was saying my final good-bye to Erin. All I could do was get out of there, and that's exactly what I did. As much as I say that I've moved on, because 99.9% of me has, that .01% hasn't. And I could immediately tell with the feelings that have come over me the past couple of days.

I feel absolutely blessed with the friends that I have: Aman, who helped me get through the pain of this entire ordeal and has never left my side since, Tasha who is always encouraging, Vanessa, Brittany, and Alex who are simply amazing. But ultimately, I think what doesn't let me move on is the fact that I know Loma and I aren't "okay". Like Erin (Brownie) said as I was telling her a bit about how I was feeling, "it might be years before there's absolutely nothing that bothers you. but then, that usually happens when you and Loma have had a heart-to-heart and completely cleared the air." I know this for a fact because that's what happened with Erin (roommate). We sat down and talked, as hard as that was. I just don't know if I'll ever have that chance with Loma. I don't expect a friendship, I just want closure.

I'm glad that the girls were there for Sophie. Maybe it was for the best....for now I'm just left thinking about things. It's a beautiful picture...I just wish things could have been a lil' different.