The Unknown

It's been a long time, I know...but I don't think there could be a better time for me to take this up again, especially with all the thoughts that are running through my head...

February 3, 2010, Chris and I found out I was pregnant. Monday, February 8th, my doctor confirmed that we were expecting our first baby, due October 8th. We were very excited, we couldn't believe it was actually happening. Grandparents were so thrilled. Chris and I did our best to not go out and buy every baby department in every store. :) In April, we found out I had gestational diabetes, so I had to start taking care of myself. We kept saying that we were going to have a fat baby because of the diabetes, ha. All was going well until July 18th...

Our baby was at 28 wk 1 day of gestation, almost 2 months away from her arrival. The night of the 18th, my water broke unexpectedly. I didn't realize that my water had broken, considering that this was my first baby so I had never experienced it. I didn't know that it was my water that had broken until the following morning. I called my doctor because I felt that something was not right. Before I know it, I'm heading to my doctors office, where they send me right away to the hospital next door, then transfer me an hour and a half to a hospital in Dallas.
The next few hours were rather stressful. We weren't fully certain what was going on, all I knew is that I was getting steroid shots to strengthen the baby's lungs. Then we were being told that we'd be in the hospital until the baby was born, which they were hoping wouldn't be for another 7 weeks. That didn't happen!

On Saturday night, the 24th, I started feeling cramps. The nurse gave me pain pills and said "You're good." Sunday morning, once again I woke up but with stronger cramps. Same thing happened, got pain pills and was told "You're good." 3 hours later, we did the same thing, but this time the pills didn't work. I was in active labor. They immediately put me on magnesium to help protect the baby's brain. From 6 am to 12 am, so all day long, I was having contractions. I didn't know I could ask for pain medication, because I didn't know that it was actually active labor. Finally at midnight, the nurse told Chris I could have pain meds. He asked me to take them, which I did. Within no time, the epidural was started and I finally got some rest. I must admit, Sunday and Monday are a big blur to me; if I wasn't in pain because of contractions I was passed out because of the epidural. Sunday, I was at 4 cm dilated.

Monday, July 26th, the doctor decided to stop the epidural to see if I was still contracting around 3:30 or 4. I immediately started feeling the contractions so they started the epidural up again. They checked to see if I was dilated any more, mind you they hadn't checked since Sunday morning. To our amazement, I was at 9 cm. We were shocked!

At 5 pm, they checked me again, and I had reached 10 cm. At 5:15, they had me doing practice pushes. It wasn't long before our precious gift from above had arrived. Our sweet baby girl, the little one that decided she did not want to wait, came into this world.

Emma Brynn
5:42 pm
2 lbs 14 oz
14 1/2 in

The doctors were worried that Emma wouldn't be breathing when she was born. And that was my biggest fear considering she didn't cry or make a single sound. Amazingly enough, after a couple of minutes, I overheard a nurse tell Chris that she was breathing. They cleaned her up, checked her out, and actually handed her to us to hold for a couple of minutes, something I just learned was a privilege because parents of preemies rarely ever get to hold their babies at birth. We held her and kissed her and told her we loved her and just took in as much of her as we could before she was taken away. We knew she'd be going into an incubator.

First family photo

After a few minutes, our baby was taken up to the NICU. We waited with so much anticipation to see her again...

This entire situation, from the moment my doctor said, "Your water has broken" to hearing those words "She's breathing on her own", was very stressful, full of fear, and so many unknown things. And yet in spite of all the stress and fear, I felt a sense of peace. I had to put everything in my good Lord's hands and trust that he would take care of my baby. My baby had arrived, now it was a matter of continuing to trust that my baby would be healthy, grow, and come home soon. So many unknowns still...

School is back in session!

Well, this is it, the final day of summer vacation. Well, it was last Sunday, but tomorrow we'll actually have kids around. Am I excited? Sort of. I'm teaching at a new school this year, Sherman High School in Sherman, TX. I'm still teaching Spanish, fortunately I only have 2 preps this year. 

So far things have gone well. New teacher induction was extremely long, with many hours of just sitting there and listening to people talk. I learned quite a bit, but it still was long. 

I'm not certain how I feel just yet about teaching at a different school. I have had a chance to see my kids from last year, and I'll be honest, it's tough thinking about the fact that I won't be with them this year. They made my first year as a teacher absolutely amazing! But I guess it's time for me to move on and get ready to deal with 130 new faces and characters. A part of me isn't ready to move, but seeing that tomorrow is Monday (1st day of School), I better be whether I like it or not.

On a good note, I have enjoyed being in a larger school. Our first day of in-service, sitting in the auditorium and listening to the band play, brought back several memories from my years in high school. I guess that could be one good thing, being back in that environment. Anyway....I better finish getting ready. Although I think I'll be as ready as I'll every be for now!

summer has come and gone....

Wow, so I said last time that I'd post more often....clearly that's not the case! And it isn't because my summer has been busy. On the other hand, I've had more time on my hands than I can ever remember. We didn't go anywhere this summer or really do much besides golf, cause we weren't certain on the near future (work in the Fall). I decided to resign from my position at Sulphur Bluff in hopes of finding something better. But before I get to that....

The wedding went great. It was May 23rd in Eureka Springs, AR. Everything happened so fast I can barely remember much of anything. But it was worth it! And we were surrounded by our favorite people, his parents, my parents, our siblings, his best friend, and 2 of my best friends. Our friends came in from Houston and California. That's true friendship there!

After the wedding, Chris and I spent an extra couple of days in Eureka Springs just venturing out into the cute little town. I'd never been there before; I thought it was amazing. We eventually made our way to The Great Passion Play, a live re-enactment of Jesus' death and resurrection. If you have never been, I definitely suggest that you get out there soon and see it. I really enjoyed it.

So Chris and I have now been married for 2 months and 13 days. Has it been good? I'd say it's been great! Has it been easy? Not all the time. We're still getting to know each others' little quirks. But I love the man! I can't complain one bit about him. He makes me happy, and that's his primary goal. I can only hope that I make him as happy as he makes me!

So this was our first summer off from work or any other commitments, and it's already going to be over! We finished our first year as teachers on June 4th, and we were pretty excited for it to come to an end. We were exhausted, and ready for the break. We spent a good part of the beginning helping my mother-in-law pack and move. That was somewhat less than enjoyable, the work that is.

Our vacation, at least that's what we call it, consisted of house-sitting for my parents while they were in Mexico for a week, then immediately house-sitting for my mother-in-law while they went on a cruise for a week. We watched tv, colored, and watched stuff about Michael Jackson the entire time. Perhaps next year we'll be the ones going to Mexico or on a cruise. That would be awesome!

As to golf...I like it, especially because it gives Chris and me something to enjoy together. But in triple digit temps....I DON'T THINK SO!!!! I made the mistake in June of agreeing to play a 3rd round of 9-holes with Chris, my father-in-law, and his friend. By the second hole, I was yelling "Who wants Panchos?!?!?!" That's my father-in-law's favorite place to eat. I had to make them want to end it quick. It made for a good laugh, so it wasn't all that bad. But still, I'd have to say that I'll probably enjoy golf more when the summer heat is gone!

For now, I await the new school year to start. My vacation ends on Sunday, the 9th. I begin my new teacher induction at Sherman ISD next Monday. I'm very excited. This job will be an absolute blessing for us. I'm making tons more money than what I was last year, now that I am working at a much larger school and on a full-time schedule. We're going to pretty financially stable, at least for this next year.

Taking the job at Sherman has given me an hour and ten minute drive to work. Fortunately, that will only last me a few weeks. We plan on moving to Commerce to take some time off of my drive. We have gone through the town several times looking for a place, and we think we have found it. We plan on renting a duplex. It isn't our own home still, but its in a great area of town, and it honestly does have a warm, home-like feeling, so I'm not complaining. I'm actually pretty excited. And not to mention that my best friend is moving in with us too, which I'm excited about also.

Hopefully this year will be an amazing one. For now, I will enjoy my last few days of sleeping in, finish up what I can towards my certification, and enjoy the time with Chris. Cause once the new year starts, I can tell things will be CRAZY!!!! We can only pray and hope for the best!

changes, changes everywhere!

i can't believe it's been close to 10 months since i last signed into this thing and posted something (at least i think). so many things have happened since last august...instead of going into detail, i'm just going to list everything i can think of as a quick update on my life:

-started teaching spanish to 10th - 12th graders, and i love it!

-got to re-live my days as basketball manager in high school through our school's basketball games by working them in the fall. that was awesome!

-met the most amazing guy ever, and getting married to him in 8 days!

-my best friend came to visit, and then sadly left again, but she's coming back for the wedding next weekend! and then hopefully moving back to texas!

-signed a contract for the 2009-2010 school year, yay!

-have gained a 2nd family through Chris, and i feel very blessed because of them

-got a new car, ran over an animal within 3 hours of driving off the lot and killed my car, had it in the shop for 2 weeks, drove it a month, then put it back in the shop for 2 more weeks due to problems from the first incident

-ran over something again and had my car in the shop again this week, 2nd bumper since i bought the car, hope this doesn't continue to happen! :(

-started visiting/looking for a new church home

-friends have graduated and moved away, more will do the same tomorrow! :(

-got to see old friends (and i don't mean old in age) at my old church's women's retreat, that was great! missed them a great deal!!!

not too much has happened, my life has calmed down since i moved from commerce to sulphur springs. the party scene doesn't really exist. i get to hang out with the girls every once in a while, but that's down to perhaps once every month or two. otherwise, i have a set routine....

-get up at 6

-leave for work at 7:15

-start teaching at 8:50 and finish teaching at 12:30

-come home

-go home

-spend dinner and the evening with Chris' family

-watch our shows on their significant days

-still go to bed around midnight

-do it all over again the next day

i'm still taking classes for the alternative certification program. that hasn't been much fun. good thing is that i'm taking the spanish oral proficiency test tomorrow at 11:30 am. if i can pass that and pass the content test in june, i'll have 1 year left! which means come next may/june, i'll be certified and DONE with school FOR GOOD!!! but from the talks between chris and me, we'll probably try to stay where we are for at least 4 or 5 years, which doesn't really bother me!

otherwise, i'm just here, living day to day, enjoying what comes my way, and trying to grow and mature through the things i don't like. chris is absolutely amazing, waiting for the right guy has definitely been worth it!!!! life is just good. hopefully now that the summer is quickly approaching, i'll have more time to share thoughts like i once used to!

The Ending of a Chapter

Well, graduation has come and gone. My sisters helped me celebrate my graduation the night before; we all got together and went out and about. It was quite fun. 

That Saturday morning my parents arrived at 7:30 am. My dad immediately started crying when I opened up the door(weird). We headed up to the gym right at 9:15. Those 45 minutes went by extremely fast. Being as fortunate as I am, thanks to my last name, I led the College of Arts and Science out onto the floor. As the ceremony began, and our school president stood up to formally begin the ceremony, everything hit me. I started tearing up because I realized what I had finally accomplished, after seven years! I have to admit, I was quite proud of myself. 

Right after the ceremony, my family and friends that attended my graduation joined my parents and me at Molinas (a.k.a. Momo's) for lunch and a couple of drinks. Immediately afterwards, I drove my friend to DFW, and my cousin and I headed out to 20W to California. Yep, that's right, California. 

We left for Cali at 4:30 pm, and drove straight through the night, into the following day. We arrived at my cousins house, formally my aunts, at 1:30 pm (11:30 am Texas time). My cousin and I slept all afternoon long, which let us recover from the may hours of sleep we did not get while on the road. When I woke up, a small realization hit me, I arrived at my aunt's house exactly a year after my first time last year. The reality that she was not there for me to see her and the sadness that came along with that set in. But it didn't last long cause I was there to have a good time.

Every day we had something different planned. Monday, Iris (cousin) and I headed out to Hollywood. We drove for about 20 minutes trying to find the perfect spot to get a picture of the Hollywood letters. 

Then to the City Walk it was. We walked around for several hours, looking in all the shops and doing some shopping here and there. It was pretty great.

We even got to eat my favorite food, California Rolls in CALIFORNIA...haha!

Our final stop that Monday was in Santa Monica. To my surprise, it was pretty cold. Well it was only like 70 degrees, but for people like us that come from Texas heat, that is a big difference in temperature. We hung around long enough to see the sunset. That was an absolutely gorgeous view to see! I could definitely live in California, just because of that, any day!!!

Tuesday, we left early in the morning to Hemet (Aman's home town). We got to our hotel at 9 am. We changed clothes and got ready to head out to Idyllwild in the San Bernadino National Forest. It was great! I had been up there once, but definitely didn't mind going back!

Here's a funny story for you. We were going to go hiking, but the park ranger told us to "flop" instead of sit, and "stomp" instead of step down, otherwise we might get bit by a rattlesnake. Small note for the ranger, if you actually want people to go on these hikes, don't scare them with all the rattlesnakes! That was all I needed to hear to say "heck no!" LOL! And not just that, but this man wanted to train us to hike Devil's Peak for THE FALL! Negative on that one!!!

Wednesday morning, I finally got to see my Twinky (Aman). That was by far the highlight of the day, the week actually. She gave me the biggest hug ever, I almost lost my balance and fell over. We headed out to Big Bear lake for the day. She, Jessie, Iris and I went kayaking. That was the first time I'd ever done that, we had a blast. And the view that we had surrounding us was absolutely amazing too! 

After an hour of kayaking and playing around in the water, we headed to a picnic area at the lake where we ate a late lunch. We hung around for a while and just took in the scenery of the lake, the mountains, and the trees. It is another ideal place to live, if you ask me, ha-ha! We got home just in time to enjoy some of Manjeet's (Aman's mom) delicious Indian cooking. AAAMAAAAZING food!

Thursday was an amazing day. Twinky, Iris, and I went to Oceanside (the beach). We made a quick stop at In-n-Out before heading to the beach, Cali's version of Whataburger you could say. Twinky and I have had this on-going argument that Whataburger is better than In-N-Out...or the other way around if you ask her. Anyway, we got to the beach and just relaxed. We lied on the beach, played a bit in the water, and just enjoyed our time together. Aman and I pretty much caught up big time on where we were in life at the moment. It had only been two months since we had seen each other, but to us two months was a life time. And just being at our favorite spot, the beach, and being together, well it was all we really wanted. 

♥Sisters for Life♥

That same night, we headed up to Chili's for a couple of drinks before finally going to see the long awaited movie, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Iris asked me, when we first headed out to Cali, why I loved the SHTP movies so much. My only answer: the bond between the girls in the movie, and the bond that I have with Aman and the other girls, well it sort of reminds me of my life. RANDOM FACT! So anyway...that was my last night with Aman. Well, sort of.

Friday, our last day in Cali, Iris and I went out to Venice Beach. Man, now that's the kind of beach I had been looking for. We went on the board walk, did some shopping, and saw some of the weirdest people around. 

We arrived back in Hemet around 7 pm. We had planned on leaving at that time, but with fighting L.A. traffic, I was pretty exhausted. So instead, we hung out at Aman's, had dinner, and watched "In Her Shoes". Manjeet and I talked for a bit before she went to bed. She started crying as she told me to come back, even if Aman is gone. Then she told me of how sad Aman was all day the day of my graduation, because she couldn't come to Texas and be there. And she told me of how Aman talks to her about me all the time. She tells her of how I would watch after her when she was sick and just be there for her. Manjeet told me she can see the tears that come to her eyes as she tells her everything. Manjeet started crying even more as she told me that. She then asked me to never leave her alone, to never leave Aman. To which I replied, "Don't you worry about that one bit!" It was just one of those conversations where you realize how much you truly mean to someone, and I guess you realize that you truly are affecting this person's life. It was a very special moment that we shared, cause she understood how much this kid means to me! :-)

We finally got ready to head out after the movie, around 11 pm. But before we did, Aman and I spent an hour outside, talking, trying to make it last as long as possible...

One final picture...

I had no choice, I had to leave my Twinky behind. We left her house right at midnight. I did pretty good. I didn't cry (in front of Aman at least). It wasn't until we hit 10E, which was like 20 minutes or so away from Hemet. That's when I realized I definitely left her behind, and that's when I started to cry. Yeah I know, pathetic. But what can I say, you would have to see us together and know us to fully understand our friendship, our bond. Iris even told me, as we left Cali, "I totally understand why you love that girl so much, why ya'll care for each other so much, what makes ya'll sisters". That was an amazing thing to hear! 

If I could put into words what the 6 days after my graduation were to me, well, then I would. But I honestly can't. From the moment we hit 20W, the feeling of freedom completely took over me. The freedom to make my own choices, the freedom to do what I want to do, and simply the freedom to be me. I enjoyed my week in California, with my cousin and with Aman. And even though we had some car trouble on the way home and didn't get back until Sunday, I would do it all over again! 

Will it ever change?

I never thought it would be this hard. I try to love someone, but the anger overpowers me. Why is that? Perhaps because I pushed that anger to the back of my mind for many months, thinking that loving this person would be much easier in the end. And yet I had to face either loving or hating this person this weekend, and none the less the dark side took over.  And for that matter, hatred isn't really what I feel. It is anger. However everyone around me reads it as hate. It isn't hate...it's anger. But how do I explain that? I tried, and my words won't go through their heads. Nothing I say will justify my feelings to them. Because apparently, I don't have the right to feel the way I do. 

My feelings are justified. The anger grew from seeing the pain caused by his actions. And yet, they fail to see that I hurt for them, or because of the hurt he has caused them. Yes, I hurt because I know he isn't going on the right path. But I hurt more for them. And its as if my pain doesn't matter.

I sit and listen as I hear them talk "Why does she hate him? Why does she pull away? Why won't she try to love him?" It isn't that I don't try. I do, but they never asked how I really felt. They always came to me and told me how they were hurting and how what he did has been so painful to them. But not once did they turn and ask "How are you? How do you feel about all of this?" And still, the minute I want to let it out, they force me to push it all back in. 

How do I pull out of this cycle? Why can I be so open with everyone else in my life, and yet my own parents and brother, I have to turn my back to them and just let them throw punches, sometimes even to my face. I felt so trapped this weekend. Never had I felt so depressed because of my parents and their lack of understanding, like I did Sunday. And all because my brother and the choices he is already making, and me not being willing to let him get away with things like they do. 

I'm so glad I am not moving back home! This weekend made me see that it was the best decision I could have possible ever made, the decision to do whatever I could to not move back. I'm ready to turn and face the future, because my life will be different. I know I still have to deal with my parents and my brother, but there will be even more of a distance. I'm going to start my own life now, make my own real decisions, and do what makes me happiest, whatever that may be. 

But still, I can't help wonder if things will ever change? 

I can almost see the end!

Tomorrow is Wednesday. That is exactly one week from my final, and freedom from this torture! I cannot wait. The dates are all mixed in together because of all the things that I have to do, but in the end, its going to be worth it.

I put a deposit for my apartment in Sulphur Springs Monday afternoon. I am so looking forward to having my own place again. I am ready to start moving my stuff in! That's the first thing on my mind. A big part of it is that once the 7th comes around, my life is going to be consumed up with reuniting with my best friend and celebrating with all my friends. 

That's another thing to look forward to. Keli and I are counting down the days to her arrival. It's so crazy. I honestly have to say that I'm not certain what I'm going to do the first time I see her. It's been 7/8 years! 

And then there's that final morning, the morning where my name gets called and I walk to get my "diploma". Ya know it's not really the diploma, just a piece of paper wrapped and tied with a ribbon. But just for the excitement of it, we'll say that it's a diploma. :) So yes, mom and dad finally get that day they have long been awaiting for! And I will no longer have to worry about pleasing them when it comes to school. Heck I already have a job, what else do they want right?

That day is going to be the craziest one of all! I have graduation at 10 am, doing lunch at our favorite place in town (Momo's/Molinas), probably do some last minute moving, take Keli to the airport by 2:45 pm, and if I have enough money (pray that I do!) I'll hit the road for California right after making my trip to DFW. Aman is so excited. She too is counting down the days for an arrival, mine lol. I have been saving up every last penny, it has been my ultimate goal for most of the summer.

The ultimate thing I'm looking forward to is starting up work. The one thing I said for the past two years I didn't want to do, I'm going to be doing, teaching. God has some mysterious ways of working! Soon after hearing about the possibility of getting the job, I prayed I'd get it. And then yesterday, I got a call from my friend I was going to move in with in San Antonio, and found out that she was being transferred to Laredo, Tx. So I guess it was God's will that I go for this job and stick around. After all, in the end I will end up with a lot more, Alternate Certification and a Masters in Spanish. Couldn't ask for anything else...

Life is pretty good right now! Can't really complain....

Graduation is becoming more exciting...and scary

Yep, that's right, I'm pretty stoked...and pretty scared. I ordered my invitations and announcements on Monday. To my surprise, I got the call this morning that they were ready to be picked up. Now all I have to do is find out where my mom is going to have the dinner at, and they will be ready to be mailed out.

After I picked up the invitations, I had to walk across campus to the Heritage House, which is the old president's house. I literally walked from one point of campus to the other, walking by just about every building there is. I got this nostalgic feeling, I guess you could say. I had to take in a deep breath. I can't believe it, I'm finally graduating. After so many years in school, and the end is now here. It overwhelms me at times to think that this part of life is fixing to be over for me, in just 3 weeks.

It's so crazy, cause just last night Aman and I were talking about my issues with change. I was simply talking about cutting my hair, and she reminded me, "Just be careful, cause you know you don't like change. Don't do anything drastic." And as I thought about it more, how will I handle the transition from school life to adult life (I guess that's what it is?). Will I immediately jump into the routine of whatever I'm going to be doing and be okay with it? Or will I be too comfortable with where I am at right now and hold onto many of my ways? I know I shouldn't worry about tomorrow, but I can't help wonder about it, ya know.

Anyway...perhaps I should stop worrying about that. At least I am going to try and not worry. So last night was pretty exciting! I finally got my car back, yay! And my Lil Bro, Drew, came to Commerce to hang out. I, unfortunately, am turning into an old lady and can't seem to stay up past 1:30 or 2 am. For some of you out there, I know yall think I'm crazy. So we went out to the Delt house and hung out there with the guys. I hadn't seen those boys for a couple of weeks, so that was fun. I ultimately left Drew there and went home to bed, considering I had to be at work at 8 am.

Today, I'm a lil worried. My nerves are starting to set in. I'm heading to Dallas to see the ENT about this lump some of us like to call the "stress ball". I hope I get to find out what in the world this thing is, considering its been on my neck for about 4 years, and suddenly grew overnight last week. I'm just praying that it isn't anything bad. Ugh! I wish someone could go with me, but everyone is pretty lame and either has to work or go to school. Oh well...

Afterwards though, I get to fulfill my craving of California Rolls. OMG those are by far the best thing I have ever eaten! That will be what I look forward to the most today.

Well, I guess it's time to start clearing things out before I leave the office. You see how much work I have to do, literally nothing. I'm finding that perhaps this is the best time to blog, considering its early in the day, its nice and quiet in the office, and I never have anything to do. :) You would think it must be nice getting paid to do nothing. Wrong people! Not so much fun!

Grandma makes an appearance...

So my grandma passed away 9 years ago, I believe its 9. I'm bad at keeping up with years once we pass the 3 year mark. Anyway, so my mom fought for her house which she had initially bought for my grandmother. Well, we've had some trouble because no one had lived in it the past two or three months. It was perfect timing for whoever wanted to break in and steal stuff, which of course happened.

About a month ago, a young couple with a 7 and 10 year old boy and girl, moved into our house. While in Mexico last week, my mom went to meet the couple and check on the house. She said (as we ate lunch yesterday that she came home) that the house looked amazing. It was super clean, the furniture was arranged real nice, so on. She then started telling us that the couple almost moved out the second week they were there. Things started happening that they couldn't explain.

This first thing seemed like nothing to me. We have a tree in our backyard, that is always losing its leaves. There was a day that the leaves on the ground started rising up and spinning, along with dust, just in one spot. They said it looked like a small tornado. But there wasn't any wind blowing. I was just like "Ok, leaves move. Big deal."

Then later that week, the husband sat down to relax after work. As he leaned back in the chair, he said he saw this dark shadow come on top of him and just take over. The shadow was pressing down on him and wouldn't let go. He was in shock, he couldn't move or talk. After several minutes, this shadow finally lifted up slowly and let him go. But it took another few minutes for him to come out of the initial shock. I started getting even more interested here. It could have been because something happened last fall where I felt something similar when I lived in my apartment. It was the scariest thing that ever happened. So I could relate.

Anyway, a couple of days later, something else happened. And this one here definitely got my full attention! I was in tears as my mom got to the end of it...

The first time we went back to Chihuahua after my grandmother's death, my mom took the vase with red flowers that she'd always wanted to give to her. It's a big vase, about 3-31/2 feet tall. Anyway, my mom had neglected to clean it in the past 9 years when she'd go. I know, gross. We had more important things to worry about, believe me. Well, the wife took the vase one day and cleaned it out completely. She cleaned the flowers (they were fake) and washed the inside of the vase. After finishing it up, she placed it right inside the front door, to let it dry up by the screen door. She locked the door cause she was going to go to the backyard to get some water. When she walked in, and headed to the livingroom, (this is where I freaked out) she saw a short old lady standing next to the vase. OMG chills. I immediately knew who it was...

My mom was in tears as she finished telling us about this incident. My grandmother was extremely protective of her belongings, and especially my mom's things. She never let anyone touch any of her things. I would get yelled at for being nosey when I'd go through her stuff. So there was no doubt in my mind, or in my mom's, that it was my grandma that she had seen.

Anyway....so when she saw the short old woman standing there, she ran around the backyard to the front of the house. She sat outside for some time praying. One of our neighbors came up and started talking to her, and made her get her mind off of things. Well, after sometime, she sort of forgot about the incident and headed back inside. By this time, her kid had come home from school. She put the vase back and washed the dishes. After doing that, her and her son went into the bedroom to watch tv. They suddenly heard the dishes rattling in the kitchen, and suddenly breaking. (Again, I started tearing up here, explanation to come). She walked into the kitchen to find the dishes that we had taken such good care of for the past 9 years, broken. And she actually saw one fly across the table. Yeah, to a point I have to be there to believe this. But still, I believe it.

So why did I tear up. That first visit to her house after her death, something strange had happened. I didn't make much of it, but none the less its a memory. I woke up early one morning to the sound of dishes rattling and her cat meowing. I thought it was my mom. But when I turned over, my mom was laying right next to me. So I tried to peek into the kitchen from the bedroom, and all I heard were dragging footsteps, and a silhouette that looked and sounded like my grandma. From that point on, I was convinced that was who was in the kitchen. So hearing about this incident immediately took me to that point in time when I had "heard" her in the kitchen.

Anyway...so that night, her husband gets home. The wife and kids were ready to leave right then and there. But he insisted that they needed to pray and light up a candle (Mexican thing, with the saints and all that). But because the wife hadn't bought a candle, he took a picture we have always kept in this cup, of my grandma, and he started talking to it.

"Look ma'm, with all due respect, we aren't here to hurt you or your things. On the other hand, we are her to help. We know that your daughter loved you and didn't want to lose this house, but if we aren't here, no one will be here to watch it, and all your belongings could be stolen. So we are simply here to help, not hurt you or her. So please, if you don't mind, please let us live in peace so we can make certain that your house is ok."

From that point on, nothing has happened. I was just stunned to hear that anything strange was happening. We hadn't heard of any complaints from others that had lived there. But as we thought about it, we realized that my grandma didn't know these people. Everyone that had lived in the house she had known because they were either relatives or friends of hers and ours. But this couple was someone new and strange. And being as protective as she was, well we could totally see her trying to run them out.

I know this all sounds crazy, but its my grandma. And man, if I had been there, that would have been amazing. Simply because I would do anything, ANYTHING to see her again. Everytime that I have returned to our house, her house, I always walk in saying "Grandma, we're home". And the memory of her opening up her arms to hug me and kiss me is always vivid as I say those words. I can't help but feel that she is actually there, greeting us like she always did, in spirit.

This rollercoaster called life!

• moving away from home
• learning to be on my own
• learning to break away from the shell i lived in all my life
• making new friends
• ending friendships
• turning around and meeting the most amazing friends ever!
• summer fun at parties
• traveling to unexpected places
  
• pain from loss of loved ones
  
• being lifted by those you'd never imagine
• random fun at the least expected places
• wal-mart at 2 am...just for fun!
  
• 2 am runs to taco bell
• writing papers until the sun came out
• having a friend help you stay awake to write those papers
• driving 20 minutes at 4 am to get food for energy
• a friend getting out of bed to join you for that 4 am drive
  
• IHOP at midnight
• 2 a.m. drives on back roads that lead to who knows where
• late nights at the lake
  
• late night walks
  
• sitting on the broken bridge, just talking
  
• weekend road trips that take 12 hours to get there, be there for a day, and drive back 12 hours
• sitting on top of the car and staring at the stars
• staring at the stars and remembering the good times from the past year
• seeing the most perfect crescent moon at 11 pm and remembering my GPhiB girls!
  
• thinking of new friendships and the smiles they put on my face
  
• thinking of old friendships and the smiles they still put on my face through memories and txt/phonecalls
• missing those special friends and not knowing how to take that sadness go away
• thinking of what's to come
• starting a new chapter in life...

i go through these moments where i can't help but look back at what my life has looked like in the past year, all the changes i have been through, and look at where i may be in the future. before, i was scared out of my mind of what my future might look like. but in the past year, i have learned to just let life bring whatever it is that it will bring. i probably wouldn't be able to look back at all experiences, and even think that they were significant, had they not all been random. and what's more important, they open my eyes to realize who is important in my life. every day, i think more and more of how i won't be around my girls anymore, and that crushes me to a point. i'm not ready to give them up! i don't want to move, as much as i do inside. i don't want to leave them in the 'merce and miss out on more random moments that build up the bonds that have already been built. had i known this would mean so much, i would have done this sooner!

but of course, that didn't happen. and in four weeks, i have to say g'bye for good. i'll always be a Gamma Phi. that doesn't bother me one bit. but the fact that i have to leave these girls...well...ya know. but at the same time, having learned what i know now, i can look forward to making new friends and all the new random moments that might entail. yeah, it won't be the same because it isn't aman, tasha, or kristin, or all my other crazy sisters. but hey, i'm entering that new chapter in my life where i'm having to "grow up".

they weren't too happy to hear that i was moving, instead of staying and living in commerce. but of course, they are being supportive. i finally decided that san antonio was the place for me to go. i even sat my dad down last weekend and told him about it. he's fine with it. this upcoming weekend i'll sit my mom down (we all know she'll take it a bit harder) and tell her that i'm not coming home. i'm scared. i don't know what she'll say. but at the same time, this is something that i have to do. i realized, as i was driving to my friends last week, that there is absolutely no way that i can go back home. if i do, i know i'll prevent myself from growing more than what i already have in the past year. i can't do that to myself. and i was open and honest with my dad, and even told him more than i expected myself to. he took that in rather well too. on the other hand, he came back at me with some surprising news about his plans for after i graduate. but it's whatever, he and my mom are adults. they'll have to deal with that on their own. (yeah, i wouldn't have said that last year!)

on another note, that move to san antonio might be changing to sulphur springs. it all depends on the next couple of weeks, and moorea (my friend) setting my future for me. lol. there's a potential teaching job in sulphur bluff, a bit east of sulphur springs. they are looking for a spanish teacher. even though i have said i really didn't want to do teaching, i've decided that it wouldn't be too bad of an opportunity. its a job right out of school. i would be doing the alternative certification, would would be something for me to fall back on, were i to decide that i wanted to do something differently later. so we'll see what happens.

its just that time in my life where everything is changing pretty soon. in four weeks, i have to know what i'm doing, where i'll be living, etc. i will say that i wish this summer was a bit more fun and exciting, considering its my last summer here. but i guess this is a good way to start getting used to not being part of this life anymore. :(