56 days

The minute I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to hold my baby in my arms, rock her to sleep while I sang to her in her nursery. I got to hold her. I got to sing to her. Not in her nursery. Not in our house. In the NICU. For 56 days I held my daughter, my firstborn, in the NICU while she grew stronger day by day. Finally, after 56 days, I can now hold her, rock her, and sing to her...in her nursery.

We were ecstatic the day we found out we could take her home. We were told that Monday would be the big day. But after harassing one of her primary nurses, she went and talked to the doctor, which in turn came up to my husband and said "Yeah, I don't see why she can't go home." I went absolutely crazy at the thought that my baby was finally coming home, the two of us were coming home!

Immediately we went to our house and got the final details in place. Her playard had to be put up, her bassinet had to go up, sheets needed to be washed, and so on. We returned to Dallas late at night, only to not get any sleep because of the excitement.

Sunday morning, we were up and ready to go earlier than we'd ever been. We observed as the front desk nurses filled out the last visitor name tags we'd get from the NICU. We walked through the double doors to find that her primary nurse, Karen, had returned in time to see her off.It was just all perfect. One of our favorite nurses was working that day, so of course we had to get pictures with her, and several of the nurses that had taken care of our baby.

After taking care of all the pictures with nurses, we went about our business, doing what we needed to get her ready to go home. We bathed her. We put on her adorable pink and brown dress, leggings, and pink and brown bow. She looked perfect. We took a few more pictures before putting her in her car seat, and heading down to the discharge parking area. We hugged Karen for the last time, and drove off.

Driving in front of Baylor, looking up to the window where our baby's crib sat, then looking to my left to see my baby by my side in the car, was bittersweet. It will be a day I will never forget. I'll remember every detail as if it happened yesterday, as well as everything that we went through throughout those 56 days. We are truly blessed, and I couldn't be in a happier place in life. I have my husband by my side, and my baby in my arms...my world is complete!

there's that light we've been looking for!

This Monday marked the beginning of the 7th week since we've been in the NICU, not including the week that we spent in antepartum. All we have wanted is for our baby to be ok. Yes, we've wanted to take her home, but more importantly, that she won't have to return to the hospital. But after 7 weeks in a hospital, away from home, away from your spouse, well it begins to wear on a person. I am more than ready to not have to make the drive to the hospital early in the morning and late at night. I am more than ready to not eat lunch and dinner by myself. And I am more than ready to not have to "share" my baby with anybody but my husband (and grandparents I suppose). Finally, it looks like the end to all those "not" moments might be coming to an end.

We reached the last step for our baby to come home, which consisted of taking 8 full bottles (of whatever amount she's taking at the time) in a day. We reached that point 2 weeks ago when they began to nipple feed (a.k.a. bottle feed) her at 34 weeks. We have worked on her taking a bottle everyday since then. The nurses kept saying "The light bulb will go off one of these days, don't worry." Everyday I would hear them tell me this when I'd get discouraged after she'd only take so much. She would take one full bottle here and there, but never consecutively.

Yesterday, that began to change. She took 6 full bottles, 4 in a row then 2 in a row after a small break. We had never seen her take more than one bottle, so to see her take 4 in a row was amazing! I was texting and emailing my husband every 3 hours and saying "2nd one down...3rd one down...etc". We were both so excited. Today she didn't complete a single one, but came so close to it every single time that they won't count them against her. So we weren't too discouraged.

Because she took so many bottles in one day, the discharging process has begun. The occupational therapist came in and did an assessment while she nipple fed. She's begun teaching me techniques to use at home, as well as toys that will be helpful for Emma's development. They have changed her calorie formula from hospital grade only to a formula that we can purchase in the store. Her shot to protect her from RSV was given today. That was the most encouraging part of today, although sad to hear her crying from the pain. Apparently that shot is only given on Tuesdays. The nurse practitioner that saw her this morning told the nurse, "We better do it today, she'll probably be gone by next Tuesday". So that was nice to know!

We all have our fingers crossed that in the next couple of days, that light bulb will come on completely and she'll take those 8 bottles. For me, that means being at home with my husband and baby, and us finally being a family. For my husband, that means having his two favorite girls at home. We have begun to see the light at the end of this insanely long tunnel we've journeyed down. And we anxiously await to reach that light!

Pure insanity

I got the courage to one day write an email to one person and share what all I had been feeling (I never did send it) .I hadn't shared it with anyone:

I wake up twice in the night to pump milk for a baby that's in the NICU...after a total of maybe 5 hours, I get up and get ready to head up to the hospital, I walk up to the hospital and pass by the waiting room that everyone sat in and waited to hear that a baby had arrived...then I pass by the outside of the delivery room which should have brought joy but in turn brought nothing but panic and anxiety...then I go up to the 7th floor where all the nurses know me now and follow the same routine: change a diaper, watch them attach the gavage feeding line and watch as the milk passes through the orange thin line and up through the baby's nose, which leads straight to her stomach. i watch her sleep, make all these different facial expressions, and observe as the nurses check her...i've learned to do 3/4 of the things that the nurses would do in the begining, and now I do them: detach the feeding line, silence the alarms, turn off the gavage machine after the feedings, go to the storage cabinet and grab blankets or extra diapers, explain to other parents how to read the monitors and what lines to check, as well as check my own baby's leads and take them off when needed to be changed...then at the end of the day i leave, head back down the elevator, out the building, pass that delivery and waiting room, and think about nothing but the stress, panic, and anxiety I experienced the day that this all began...

this wasn't how i had envisioned how motherhood would begin for me. i hadn't envisioned having a premature baby, having to leave her behind and go see her in a hospital and be a mother to her there instead of at home, having to see my husband cry because he's going to be gone for days and won't see me or his baby, having to sit alone at the hospital because he's had to go back to work...instead being a mom consist of me doing everything above, as well as telling my baby that i'm sorry every day because she's having to go through all of this, and i have to talk to her in a happy voice because i don't want her to sense my anger and my sadness, i want her to be as happy as she can be.

and when i think about my entire experience at the hospital, from finding out that my water broke, to the moment they said it was time to push, i feel nothing but anger...anger towards God for letting things happen like this, anger towards myself or my body for not being able to stop it from doing whatever it did to let her come so soon, anger towards everyone for letting me down during this time by not visiting, calling, showing concern...

if i bothered to try and explain everything that i am feeling, we'd never come to an end...

Trials ahead

I was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday, the 28th. The night before, both Chris and I spent hours with our baby in the NICU.

Knowing that I would be leaving the next day without my baby was the most difficult thing to think about. I had no choice but to break down. So many emotions were going through my mind, the worst was feeling guilty that my baby was having to go through all of this because of me. I know now that nothing I could have done would have stopped her from arriving so soon. However, I strongly felt that it was my fault, my body's fault for letting my baby come out into this world when she did. Crazy thoughts? Perhaps. But that's how I felt. I begged her to forgive me over and over again. I promised that I would make it my priority to protect her from anything and everything that could harm her. I promised her that she'd have everything she needed. Finally around 2 am, we went to bed to get ready for the following day.

As we left the hospital, after going to see my baby, I couldn't help but cry on the way home. It was a gorgeous day outside, sunny with beautiful white clouds covering the blue sky here and there. It was the perfect day to have had our car seat in the back with a sleeping baby, and yet there was nothing and no one.

Even worse was walking into our home and seeing our empty nursery. Her crib was all put together and set up, her swing, the glider I'd rock her to sleep in at night. It was the worst feeling ever. But I was able to keep it together. I walked in and grabbed some of her blankets and hats and booties. I was doing fine, until Chris walked in and saw her sweater hanging on her rack. He grabbed it, put it up next to his chest, and started crying. At that point I lost it. We had to get out of there. I grabbed everything that I was there to get, and closed the doors to her room.

This was, without a doubt, one of the toughest days for us. And yet we knew we had many more difficult days ahead of us. We weren't certain how fast our baby would show signs of being fine, and we definitely didn't know when we'd actually be taking her home. All we knew was that we had many days ahead of us at the hospital.

The Unknown

It's been a long time, I know...but I don't think there could be a better time for me to take this up again, especially with all the thoughts that are running through my head...

February 3, 2010, Chris and I found out I was pregnant. Monday, February 8th, my doctor confirmed that we were expecting our first baby, due October 8th. We were very excited, we couldn't believe it was actually happening. Grandparents were so thrilled. Chris and I did our best to not go out and buy every baby department in every store. :) In April, we found out I had gestational diabetes, so I had to start taking care of myself. We kept saying that we were going to have a fat baby because of the diabetes, ha. All was going well until July 18th...

Our baby was at 28 wk 1 day of gestation, almost 2 months away from her arrival. The night of the 18th, my water broke unexpectedly. I didn't realize that my water had broken, considering that this was my first baby so I had never experienced it. I didn't know that it was my water that had broken until the following morning. I called my doctor because I felt that something was not right. Before I know it, I'm heading to my doctors office, where they send me right away to the hospital next door, then transfer me an hour and a half to a hospital in Dallas.
The next few hours were rather stressful. We weren't fully certain what was going on, all I knew is that I was getting steroid shots to strengthen the baby's lungs. Then we were being told that we'd be in the hospital until the baby was born, which they were hoping wouldn't be for another 7 weeks. That didn't happen!

On Saturday night, the 24th, I started feeling cramps. The nurse gave me pain pills and said "You're good." Sunday morning, once again I woke up but with stronger cramps. Same thing happened, got pain pills and was told "You're good." 3 hours later, we did the same thing, but this time the pills didn't work. I was in active labor. They immediately put me on magnesium to help protect the baby's brain. From 6 am to 12 am, so all day long, I was having contractions. I didn't know I could ask for pain medication, because I didn't know that it was actually active labor. Finally at midnight, the nurse told Chris I could have pain meds. He asked me to take them, which I did. Within no time, the epidural was started and I finally got some rest. I must admit, Sunday and Monday are a big blur to me; if I wasn't in pain because of contractions I was passed out because of the epidural. Sunday, I was at 4 cm dilated.

Monday, July 26th, the doctor decided to stop the epidural to see if I was still contracting around 3:30 or 4. I immediately started feeling the contractions so they started the epidural up again. They checked to see if I was dilated any more, mind you they hadn't checked since Sunday morning. To our amazement, I was at 9 cm. We were shocked!

At 5 pm, they checked me again, and I had reached 10 cm. At 5:15, they had me doing practice pushes. It wasn't long before our precious gift from above had arrived. Our sweet baby girl, the little one that decided she did not want to wait, came into this world.

Emma Brynn
5:42 pm
2 lbs 14 oz
14 1/2 in

The doctors were worried that Emma wouldn't be breathing when she was born. And that was my biggest fear considering she didn't cry or make a single sound. Amazingly enough, after a couple of minutes, I overheard a nurse tell Chris that she was breathing. They cleaned her up, checked her out, and actually handed her to us to hold for a couple of minutes, something I just learned was a privilege because parents of preemies rarely ever get to hold their babies at birth. We held her and kissed her and told her we loved her and just took in as much of her as we could before she was taken away. We knew she'd be going into an incubator.

First family photo

After a few minutes, our baby was taken up to the NICU. We waited with so much anticipation to see her again...

This entire situation, from the moment my doctor said, "Your water has broken" to hearing those words "She's breathing on her own", was very stressful, full of fear, and so many unknown things. And yet in spite of all the stress and fear, I felt a sense of peace. I had to put everything in my good Lord's hands and trust that he would take care of my baby. My baby had arrived, now it was a matter of continuing to trust that my baby would be healthy, grow, and come home soon. So many unknowns still...

School is back in session!

Well, this is it, the final day of summer vacation. Well, it was last Sunday, but tomorrow we'll actually have kids around. Am I excited? Sort of. I'm teaching at a new school this year, Sherman High School in Sherman, TX. I'm still teaching Spanish, fortunately I only have 2 preps this year. 

So far things have gone well. New teacher induction was extremely long, with many hours of just sitting there and listening to people talk. I learned quite a bit, but it still was long. 

I'm not certain how I feel just yet about teaching at a different school. I have had a chance to see my kids from last year, and I'll be honest, it's tough thinking about the fact that I won't be with them this year. They made my first year as a teacher absolutely amazing! But I guess it's time for me to move on and get ready to deal with 130 new faces and characters. A part of me isn't ready to move, but seeing that tomorrow is Monday (1st day of School), I better be whether I like it or not.

On a good note, I have enjoyed being in a larger school. Our first day of in-service, sitting in the auditorium and listening to the band play, brought back several memories from my years in high school. I guess that could be one good thing, being back in that environment. Anyway....I better finish getting ready. Although I think I'll be as ready as I'll every be for now!

summer has come and gone....

Wow, so I said last time that I'd post more often....clearly that's not the case! And it isn't because my summer has been busy. On the other hand, I've had more time on my hands than I can ever remember. We didn't go anywhere this summer or really do much besides golf, cause we weren't certain on the near future (work in the Fall). I decided to resign from my position at Sulphur Bluff in hopes of finding something better. But before I get to that....

The wedding went great. It was May 23rd in Eureka Springs, AR. Everything happened so fast I can barely remember much of anything. But it was worth it! And we were surrounded by our favorite people, his parents, my parents, our siblings, his best friend, and 2 of my best friends. Our friends came in from Houston and California. That's true friendship there!

After the wedding, Chris and I spent an extra couple of days in Eureka Springs just venturing out into the cute little town. I'd never been there before; I thought it was amazing. We eventually made our way to The Great Passion Play, a live re-enactment of Jesus' death and resurrection. If you have never been, I definitely suggest that you get out there soon and see it. I really enjoyed it.

So Chris and I have now been married for 2 months and 13 days. Has it been good? I'd say it's been great! Has it been easy? Not all the time. We're still getting to know each others' little quirks. But I love the man! I can't complain one bit about him. He makes me happy, and that's his primary goal. I can only hope that I make him as happy as he makes me!

So this was our first summer off from work or any other commitments, and it's already going to be over! We finished our first year as teachers on June 4th, and we were pretty excited for it to come to an end. We were exhausted, and ready for the break. We spent a good part of the beginning helping my mother-in-law pack and move. That was somewhat less than enjoyable, the work that is.

Our vacation, at least that's what we call it, consisted of house-sitting for my parents while they were in Mexico for a week, then immediately house-sitting for my mother-in-law while they went on a cruise for a week. We watched tv, colored, and watched stuff about Michael Jackson the entire time. Perhaps next year we'll be the ones going to Mexico or on a cruise. That would be awesome!

As to golf...I like it, especially because it gives Chris and me something to enjoy together. But in triple digit temps....I DON'T THINK SO!!!! I made the mistake in June of agreeing to play a 3rd round of 9-holes with Chris, my father-in-law, and his friend. By the second hole, I was yelling "Who wants Panchos?!?!?!" That's my father-in-law's favorite place to eat. I had to make them want to end it quick. It made for a good laugh, so it wasn't all that bad. But still, I'd have to say that I'll probably enjoy golf more when the summer heat is gone!

For now, I await the new school year to start. My vacation ends on Sunday, the 9th. I begin my new teacher induction at Sherman ISD next Monday. I'm very excited. This job will be an absolute blessing for us. I'm making tons more money than what I was last year, now that I am working at a much larger school and on a full-time schedule. We're going to pretty financially stable, at least for this next year.

Taking the job at Sherman has given me an hour and ten minute drive to work. Fortunately, that will only last me a few weeks. We plan on moving to Commerce to take some time off of my drive. We have gone through the town several times looking for a place, and we think we have found it. We plan on renting a duplex. It isn't our own home still, but its in a great area of town, and it honestly does have a warm, home-like feeling, so I'm not complaining. I'm actually pretty excited. And not to mention that my best friend is moving in with us too, which I'm excited about also.

Hopefully this year will be an amazing one. For now, I will enjoy my last few days of sleeping in, finish up what I can towards my certification, and enjoy the time with Chris. Cause once the new year starts, I can tell things will be CRAZY!!!! We can only pray and hope for the best!

changes, changes everywhere!

i can't believe it's been close to 10 months since i last signed into this thing and posted something (at least i think). so many things have happened since last august...instead of going into detail, i'm just going to list everything i can think of as a quick update on my life:

-started teaching spanish to 10th - 12th graders, and i love it!

-got to re-live my days as basketball manager in high school through our school's basketball games by working them in the fall. that was awesome!

-met the most amazing guy ever, and getting married to him in 8 days!

-my best friend came to visit, and then sadly left again, but she's coming back for the wedding next weekend! and then hopefully moving back to texas!

-signed a contract for the 2009-2010 school year, yay!

-have gained a 2nd family through Chris, and i feel very blessed because of them

-got a new car, ran over an animal within 3 hours of driving off the lot and killed my car, had it in the shop for 2 weeks, drove it a month, then put it back in the shop for 2 more weeks due to problems from the first incident

-ran over something again and had my car in the shop again this week, 2nd bumper since i bought the car, hope this doesn't continue to happen! :(

-started visiting/looking for a new church home

-friends have graduated and moved away, more will do the same tomorrow! :(

-got to see old friends (and i don't mean old in age) at my old church's women's retreat, that was great! missed them a great deal!!!

not too much has happened, my life has calmed down since i moved from commerce to sulphur springs. the party scene doesn't really exist. i get to hang out with the girls every once in a while, but that's down to perhaps once every month or two. otherwise, i have a set routine....

-get up at 6

-leave for work at 7:15

-start teaching at 8:50 and finish teaching at 12:30

-come home

-go home

-spend dinner and the evening with Chris' family

-watch our shows on their significant days

-still go to bed around midnight

-do it all over again the next day

i'm still taking classes for the alternative certification program. that hasn't been much fun. good thing is that i'm taking the spanish oral proficiency test tomorrow at 11:30 am. if i can pass that and pass the content test in june, i'll have 1 year left! which means come next may/june, i'll be certified and DONE with school FOR GOOD!!! but from the talks between chris and me, we'll probably try to stay where we are for at least 4 or 5 years, which doesn't really bother me!

otherwise, i'm just here, living day to day, enjoying what comes my way, and trying to grow and mature through the things i don't like. chris is absolutely amazing, waiting for the right guy has definitely been worth it!!!! life is just good. hopefully now that the summer is quickly approaching, i'll have more time to share thoughts like i once used to!

The Ending of a Chapter

Well, graduation has come and gone. My sisters helped me celebrate my graduation the night before; we all got together and went out and about. It was quite fun. 

That Saturday morning my parents arrived at 7:30 am. My dad immediately started crying when I opened up the door(weird). We headed up to the gym right at 9:15. Those 45 minutes went by extremely fast. Being as fortunate as I am, thanks to my last name, I led the College of Arts and Science out onto the floor. As the ceremony began, and our school president stood up to formally begin the ceremony, everything hit me. I started tearing up because I realized what I had finally accomplished, after seven years! I have to admit, I was quite proud of myself. 

Right after the ceremony, my family and friends that attended my graduation joined my parents and me at Molinas (a.k.a. Momo's) for lunch and a couple of drinks. Immediately afterwards, I drove my friend to DFW, and my cousin and I headed out to 20W to California. Yep, that's right, California. 

We left for Cali at 4:30 pm, and drove straight through the night, into the following day. We arrived at my cousins house, formally my aunts, at 1:30 pm (11:30 am Texas time). My cousin and I slept all afternoon long, which let us recover from the may hours of sleep we did not get while on the road. When I woke up, a small realization hit me, I arrived at my aunt's house exactly a year after my first time last year. The reality that she was not there for me to see her and the sadness that came along with that set in. But it didn't last long cause I was there to have a good time.

Every day we had something different planned. Monday, Iris (cousin) and I headed out to Hollywood. We drove for about 20 minutes trying to find the perfect spot to get a picture of the Hollywood letters. 

Then to the City Walk it was. We walked around for several hours, looking in all the shops and doing some shopping here and there. It was pretty great.

We even got to eat my favorite food, California Rolls in CALIFORNIA...haha!

Our final stop that Monday was in Santa Monica. To my surprise, it was pretty cold. Well it was only like 70 degrees, but for people like us that come from Texas heat, that is a big difference in temperature. We hung around long enough to see the sunset. That was an absolutely gorgeous view to see! I could definitely live in California, just because of that, any day!!!

Tuesday, we left early in the morning to Hemet (Aman's home town). We got to our hotel at 9 am. We changed clothes and got ready to head out to Idyllwild in the San Bernadino National Forest. It was great! I had been up there once, but definitely didn't mind going back!

Here's a funny story for you. We were going to go hiking, but the park ranger told us to "flop" instead of sit, and "stomp" instead of step down, otherwise we might get bit by a rattlesnake. Small note for the ranger, if you actually want people to go on these hikes, don't scare them with all the rattlesnakes! That was all I needed to hear to say "heck no!" LOL! And not just that, but this man wanted to train us to hike Devil's Peak for THE FALL! Negative on that one!!!

Wednesday morning, I finally got to see my Twinky (Aman). That was by far the highlight of the day, the week actually. She gave me the biggest hug ever, I almost lost my balance and fell over. We headed out to Big Bear lake for the day. She, Jessie, Iris and I went kayaking. That was the first time I'd ever done that, we had a blast. And the view that we had surrounding us was absolutely amazing too! 

After an hour of kayaking and playing around in the water, we headed to a picnic area at the lake where we ate a late lunch. We hung around for a while and just took in the scenery of the lake, the mountains, and the trees. It is another ideal place to live, if you ask me, ha-ha! We got home just in time to enjoy some of Manjeet's (Aman's mom) delicious Indian cooking. AAAMAAAAZING food!

Thursday was an amazing day. Twinky, Iris, and I went to Oceanside (the beach). We made a quick stop at In-n-Out before heading to the beach, Cali's version of Whataburger you could say. Twinky and I have had this on-going argument that Whataburger is better than In-N-Out...or the other way around if you ask her. Anyway, we got to the beach and just relaxed. We lied on the beach, played a bit in the water, and just enjoyed our time together. Aman and I pretty much caught up big time on where we were in life at the moment. It had only been two months since we had seen each other, but to us two months was a life time. And just being at our favorite spot, the beach, and being together, well it was all we really wanted. 

♥Sisters for Life♥

That same night, we headed up to Chili's for a couple of drinks before finally going to see the long awaited movie, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Iris asked me, when we first headed out to Cali, why I loved the SHTP movies so much. My only answer: the bond between the girls in the movie, and the bond that I have with Aman and the other girls, well it sort of reminds me of my life. RANDOM FACT! So anyway...that was my last night with Aman. Well, sort of.

Friday, our last day in Cali, Iris and I went out to Venice Beach. Man, now that's the kind of beach I had been looking for. We went on the board walk, did some shopping, and saw some of the weirdest people around. 

We arrived back in Hemet around 7 pm. We had planned on leaving at that time, but with fighting L.A. traffic, I was pretty exhausted. So instead, we hung out at Aman's, had dinner, and watched "In Her Shoes". Manjeet and I talked for a bit before she went to bed. She started crying as she told me to come back, even if Aman is gone. Then she told me of how sad Aman was all day the day of my graduation, because she couldn't come to Texas and be there. And she told me of how Aman talks to her about me all the time. She tells her of how I would watch after her when she was sick and just be there for her. Manjeet told me she can see the tears that come to her eyes as she tells her everything. Manjeet started crying even more as she told me that. She then asked me to never leave her alone, to never leave Aman. To which I replied, "Don't you worry about that one bit!" It was just one of those conversations where you realize how much you truly mean to someone, and I guess you realize that you truly are affecting this person's life. It was a very special moment that we shared, cause she understood how much this kid means to me! :-)

We finally got ready to head out after the movie, around 11 pm. But before we did, Aman and I spent an hour outside, talking, trying to make it last as long as possible...

One final picture...

I had no choice, I had to leave my Twinky behind. We left her house right at midnight. I did pretty good. I didn't cry (in front of Aman at least). It wasn't until we hit 10E, which was like 20 minutes or so away from Hemet. That's when I realized I definitely left her behind, and that's when I started to cry. Yeah I know, pathetic. But what can I say, you would have to see us together and know us to fully understand our friendship, our bond. Iris even told me, as we left Cali, "I totally understand why you love that girl so much, why ya'll care for each other so much, what makes ya'll sisters". That was an amazing thing to hear! 

If I could put into words what the 6 days after my graduation were to me, well, then I would. But I honestly can't. From the moment we hit 20W, the feeling of freedom completely took over me. The freedom to make my own choices, the freedom to do what I want to do, and simply the freedom to be me. I enjoyed my week in California, with my cousin and with Aman. And even though we had some car trouble on the way home and didn't get back until Sunday, I would do it all over again! 

Will it ever change?

I never thought it would be this hard. I try to love someone, but the anger overpowers me. Why is that? Perhaps because I pushed that anger to the back of my mind for many months, thinking that loving this person would be much easier in the end. And yet I had to face either loving or hating this person this weekend, and none the less the dark side took over.  And for that matter, hatred isn't really what I feel. It is anger. However everyone around me reads it as hate. It isn't hate...it's anger. But how do I explain that? I tried, and my words won't go through their heads. Nothing I say will justify my feelings to them. Because apparently, I don't have the right to feel the way I do. 

My feelings are justified. The anger grew from seeing the pain caused by his actions. And yet, they fail to see that I hurt for them, or because of the hurt he has caused them. Yes, I hurt because I know he isn't going on the right path. But I hurt more for them. And its as if my pain doesn't matter.

I sit and listen as I hear them talk "Why does she hate him? Why does she pull away? Why won't she try to love him?" It isn't that I don't try. I do, but they never asked how I really felt. They always came to me and told me how they were hurting and how what he did has been so painful to them. But not once did they turn and ask "How are you? How do you feel about all of this?" And still, the minute I want to let it out, they force me to push it all back in. 

How do I pull out of this cycle? Why can I be so open with everyone else in my life, and yet my own parents and brother, I have to turn my back to them and just let them throw punches, sometimes even to my face. I felt so trapped this weekend. Never had I felt so depressed because of my parents and their lack of understanding, like I did Sunday. And all because my brother and the choices he is already making, and me not being willing to let him get away with things like they do. 

I'm so glad I am not moving back home! This weekend made me see that it was the best decision I could have possible ever made, the decision to do whatever I could to not move back. I'm ready to turn and face the future, because my life will be different. I know I still have to deal with my parents and my brother, but there will be even more of a distance. I'm going to start my own life now, make my own real decisions, and do what makes me happiest, whatever that may be. 

But still, I can't help wonder if things will ever change?