the sound of peace

Not a day has gone by that I don't feel blessed by my baby or my husband being in my life. Without then I don't know where I'd be. But so many other things surround me that I wish i could escape to the one place I know can bring me peace.

Deep in the hills of the Copper Canyon in Chihuahua lies a tiny lil ranch. On this ranch is a quaint little log house, with a tiny kitchen and two small bedrooms. Across from the house is a barn, where at keep the horses and cattle. Then there are the mountains and hills that surround the house. You can see the storms coming from miles away. You can hear the trees and branches dealing back and forth with the wind. It's absolutely beautiful.

I'd do anything to be there right now...

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memories and what used to be

this weekend, my family (my husband & baby) and i took a short trip to oklahoma city to visit a special family. i finally had the chance to introduce my husband to my former pastor and his wife: a wonderful married couple, parents, and more importantly, friends. and they were able to also meet my sweet baby. i don't know how to begin to explain what emotions this past weekend has brought over me, emotions that i haven't been able to set free. why such strong emotions?...

in 2002, i began to attend this wonderful little church in rowlett, rowlett bible fellowship (formerly creekside bible fellowship). when i began to attend, i did not know what i was doing there. i had been invited by a friend, and because i don't know how to say no, i went. the instant i attended their first service, something came over me that made me feel like i was at home.

by like the second or third service, i had met jeni and lance. it didn't take long for me to feel comfortable with them. and it wasn't long before i learned what my purpose was for attending this church. my purpose was so that Christ could put them in my life to tell me about him, so that i may one day come to believe and trust completely in him, and give my life to him. They are the ones that led me to Christ, and guided me throughout my spiritual life. if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't have the assurance of where i'm going when my life on this world ends.

my relationship continued with them when i went off to college, but everything changed for me there. i had moved away, and was no longer in a place where i could be held accountable, it was easy for me to not tell the truth. ultimately, i walked away from the awesome path that i had been walking on. i didn't talk as often to jeni, who had been my guide for the past 3 or 4 years. before i knew it, 2 years had passed, i had graduated, moved away, gotten married, and now sit where i am now, with a baby to take care of. in all that time, i hadn't forgotten about jeni, i just never made the time.

in spite of all that, she continued to be a friend to me. she showed me so much love even when i didn't deserve it. next thing i know, my baby is born prematurely, and she's letting me know that they are praying, and helping us out as best as they can. it was amazing to see how much she still cared for me, and now for my family.

this was the first weekend that we were able to get away, just the 3 of us. the first place i asked if we could go was oklahoma, to visit them. as we pulled up, and i saw my friends outside, i wanted nothing more than to cry. i had been through so much, and because of the distance, i wasn't able to have that friend there to comfort and carry me through my baby's NICU stay. i had many of my other church friends still, but she was the one that somehow always knew what to say to give me the strength i needed to trust that God was doing what was best. she teared up, she started crying, i just don't cry in front of people. but every part of me wanted to cry.

none the less, we spent a wonderful weekend with them. my husband got to meet them and know them more. he know understands why i like them so much, but more importantly why i love them as much as i do. if only i could demonstrate it to them some how. i hated having to leave, i hated having to say the good-byes and leave my friends behind as we drove 3 1/2 hours home. i'd do anything to have them close by again. but i guess the weekend trips will have to do. i'll simply be able to build more memories and not focus only on what used to be, but focus on what potentially could be...

56 days

The minute I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to hold my baby in my arms, rock her to sleep while I sang to her in her nursery. I got to hold her. I got to sing to her. Not in her nursery. Not in our house. In the NICU. For 56 days I held my daughter, my firstborn, in the NICU while she grew stronger day by day. Finally, after 56 days, I can now hold her, rock her, and sing to her...in her nursery.

We were ecstatic the day we found out we could take her home. We were told that Monday would be the big day. But after harassing one of her primary nurses, she went and talked to the doctor, which in turn came up to my husband and said "Yeah, I don't see why she can't go home." I went absolutely crazy at the thought that my baby was finally coming home, the two of us were coming home!

Immediately we went to our house and got the final details in place. Her playard had to be put up, her bassinet had to go up, sheets needed to be washed, and so on. We returned to Dallas late at night, only to not get any sleep because of the excitement.

Sunday morning, we were up and ready to go earlier than we'd ever been. We observed as the front desk nurses filled out the last visitor name tags we'd get from the NICU. We walked through the double doors to find that her primary nurse, Karen, had returned in time to see her off.It was just all perfect. One of our favorite nurses was working that day, so of course we had to get pictures with her, and several of the nurses that had taken care of our baby.

After taking care of all the pictures with nurses, we went about our business, doing what we needed to get her ready to go home. We bathed her. We put on her adorable pink and brown dress, leggings, and pink and brown bow. She looked perfect. We took a few more pictures before putting her in her car seat, and heading down to the discharge parking area. We hugged Karen for the last time, and drove off.

Driving in front of Baylor, looking up to the window where our baby's crib sat, then looking to my left to see my baby by my side in the car, was bittersweet. It will be a day I will never forget. I'll remember every detail as if it happened yesterday, as well as everything that we went through throughout those 56 days. We are truly blessed, and I couldn't be in a happier place in life. I have my husband by my side, and my baby in my arms...my world is complete!

there's that light we've been looking for!

This Monday marked the beginning of the 7th week since we've been in the NICU, not including the week that we spent in antepartum. All we have wanted is for our baby to be ok. Yes, we've wanted to take her home, but more importantly, that she won't have to return to the hospital. But after 7 weeks in a hospital, away from home, away from your spouse, well it begins to wear on a person. I am more than ready to not have to make the drive to the hospital early in the morning and late at night. I am more than ready to not eat lunch and dinner by myself. And I am more than ready to not have to "share" my baby with anybody but my husband (and grandparents I suppose). Finally, it looks like the end to all those "not" moments might be coming to an end.

We reached the last step for our baby to come home, which consisted of taking 8 full bottles (of whatever amount she's taking at the time) in a day. We reached that point 2 weeks ago when they began to nipple feed (a.k.a. bottle feed) her at 34 weeks. We have worked on her taking a bottle everyday since then. The nurses kept saying "The light bulb will go off one of these days, don't worry." Everyday I would hear them tell me this when I'd get discouraged after she'd only take so much. She would take one full bottle here and there, but never consecutively.

Yesterday, that began to change. She took 6 full bottles, 4 in a row then 2 in a row after a small break. We had never seen her take more than one bottle, so to see her take 4 in a row was amazing! I was texting and emailing my husband every 3 hours and saying "2nd one down...3rd one down...etc". We were both so excited. Today she didn't complete a single one, but came so close to it every single time that they won't count them against her. So we weren't too discouraged.

Because she took so many bottles in one day, the discharging process has begun. The occupational therapist came in and did an assessment while she nipple fed. She's begun teaching me techniques to use at home, as well as toys that will be helpful for Emma's development. They have changed her calorie formula from hospital grade only to a formula that we can purchase in the store. Her shot to protect her from RSV was given today. That was the most encouraging part of today, although sad to hear her crying from the pain. Apparently that shot is only given on Tuesdays. The nurse practitioner that saw her this morning told the nurse, "We better do it today, she'll probably be gone by next Tuesday". So that was nice to know!

We all have our fingers crossed that in the next couple of days, that light bulb will come on completely and she'll take those 8 bottles. For me, that means being at home with my husband and baby, and us finally being a family. For my husband, that means having his two favorite girls at home. We have begun to see the light at the end of this insanely long tunnel we've journeyed down. And we anxiously await to reach that light!

Pure insanity

I got the courage to one day write an email to one person and share what all I had been feeling (I never did send it) .I hadn't shared it with anyone:

I wake up twice in the night to pump milk for a baby that's in the NICU...after a total of maybe 5 hours, I get up and get ready to head up to the hospital, I walk up to the hospital and pass by the waiting room that everyone sat in and waited to hear that a baby had arrived...then I pass by the outside of the delivery room which should have brought joy but in turn brought nothing but panic and anxiety...then I go up to the 7th floor where all the nurses know me now and follow the same routine: change a diaper, watch them attach the gavage feeding line and watch as the milk passes through the orange thin line and up through the baby's nose, which leads straight to her stomach. i watch her sleep, make all these different facial expressions, and observe as the nurses check her...i've learned to do 3/4 of the things that the nurses would do in the begining, and now I do them: detach the feeding line, silence the alarms, turn off the gavage machine after the feedings, go to the storage cabinet and grab blankets or extra diapers, explain to other parents how to read the monitors and what lines to check, as well as check my own baby's leads and take them off when needed to be changed...then at the end of the day i leave, head back down the elevator, out the building, pass that delivery and waiting room, and think about nothing but the stress, panic, and anxiety I experienced the day that this all began...

this wasn't how i had envisioned how motherhood would begin for me. i hadn't envisioned having a premature baby, having to leave her behind and go see her in a hospital and be a mother to her there instead of at home, having to see my husband cry because he's going to be gone for days and won't see me or his baby, having to sit alone at the hospital because he's had to go back to work...instead being a mom consist of me doing everything above, as well as telling my baby that i'm sorry every day because she's having to go through all of this, and i have to talk to her in a happy voice because i don't want her to sense my anger and my sadness, i want her to be as happy as she can be.

and when i think about my entire experience at the hospital, from finding out that my water broke, to the moment they said it was time to push, i feel nothing but anger...anger towards God for letting things happen like this, anger towards myself or my body for not being able to stop it from doing whatever it did to let her come so soon, anger towards everyone for letting me down during this time by not visiting, calling, showing concern...

if i bothered to try and explain everything that i am feeling, we'd never come to an end...

Trials ahead

I was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday, the 28th. The night before, both Chris and I spent hours with our baby in the NICU.

Knowing that I would be leaving the next day without my baby was the most difficult thing to think about. I had no choice but to break down. So many emotions were going through my mind, the worst was feeling guilty that my baby was having to go through all of this because of me. I know now that nothing I could have done would have stopped her from arriving so soon. However, I strongly felt that it was my fault, my body's fault for letting my baby come out into this world when she did. Crazy thoughts? Perhaps. But that's how I felt. I begged her to forgive me over and over again. I promised that I would make it my priority to protect her from anything and everything that could harm her. I promised her that she'd have everything she needed. Finally around 2 am, we went to bed to get ready for the following day.

As we left the hospital, after going to see my baby, I couldn't help but cry on the way home. It was a gorgeous day outside, sunny with beautiful white clouds covering the blue sky here and there. It was the perfect day to have had our car seat in the back with a sleeping baby, and yet there was nothing and no one.

Even worse was walking into our home and seeing our empty nursery. Her crib was all put together and set up, her swing, the glider I'd rock her to sleep in at night. It was the worst feeling ever. But I was able to keep it together. I walked in and grabbed some of her blankets and hats and booties. I was doing fine, until Chris walked in and saw her sweater hanging on her rack. He grabbed it, put it up next to his chest, and started crying. At that point I lost it. We had to get out of there. I grabbed everything that I was there to get, and closed the doors to her room.

This was, without a doubt, one of the toughest days for us. And yet we knew we had many more difficult days ahead of us. We weren't certain how fast our baby would show signs of being fine, and we definitely didn't know when we'd actually be taking her home. All we knew was that we had many days ahead of us at the hospital.

The Unknown

It's been a long time, I know...but I don't think there could be a better time for me to take this up again, especially with all the thoughts that are running through my head...

February 3, 2010, Chris and I found out I was pregnant. Monday, February 8th, my doctor confirmed that we were expecting our first baby, due October 8th. We were very excited, we couldn't believe it was actually happening. Grandparents were so thrilled. Chris and I did our best to not go out and buy every baby department in every store. :) In April, we found out I had gestational diabetes, so I had to start taking care of myself. We kept saying that we were going to have a fat baby because of the diabetes, ha. All was going well until July 18th...

Our baby was at 28 wk 1 day of gestation, almost 2 months away from her arrival. The night of the 18th, my water broke unexpectedly. I didn't realize that my water had broken, considering that this was my first baby so I had never experienced it. I didn't know that it was my water that had broken until the following morning. I called my doctor because I felt that something was not right. Before I know it, I'm heading to my doctors office, where they send me right away to the hospital next door, then transfer me an hour and a half to a hospital in Dallas.
The next few hours were rather stressful. We weren't fully certain what was going on, all I knew is that I was getting steroid shots to strengthen the baby's lungs. Then we were being told that we'd be in the hospital until the baby was born, which they were hoping wouldn't be for another 7 weeks. That didn't happen!

On Saturday night, the 24th, I started feeling cramps. The nurse gave me pain pills and said "You're good." Sunday morning, once again I woke up but with stronger cramps. Same thing happened, got pain pills and was told "You're good." 3 hours later, we did the same thing, but this time the pills didn't work. I was in active labor. They immediately put me on magnesium to help protect the baby's brain. From 6 am to 12 am, so all day long, I was having contractions. I didn't know I could ask for pain medication, because I didn't know that it was actually active labor. Finally at midnight, the nurse told Chris I could have pain meds. He asked me to take them, which I did. Within no time, the epidural was started and I finally got some rest. I must admit, Sunday and Monday are a big blur to me; if I wasn't in pain because of contractions I was passed out because of the epidural. Sunday, I was at 4 cm dilated.

Monday, July 26th, the doctor decided to stop the epidural to see if I was still contracting around 3:30 or 4. I immediately started feeling the contractions so they started the epidural up again. They checked to see if I was dilated any more, mind you they hadn't checked since Sunday morning. To our amazement, I was at 9 cm. We were shocked!

At 5 pm, they checked me again, and I had reached 10 cm. At 5:15, they had me doing practice pushes. It wasn't long before our precious gift from above had arrived. Our sweet baby girl, the little one that decided she did not want to wait, came into this world.

Emma Brynn
5:42 pm
2 lbs 14 oz
14 1/2 in

The doctors were worried that Emma wouldn't be breathing when she was born. And that was my biggest fear considering she didn't cry or make a single sound. Amazingly enough, after a couple of minutes, I overheard a nurse tell Chris that she was breathing. They cleaned her up, checked her out, and actually handed her to us to hold for a couple of minutes, something I just learned was a privilege because parents of preemies rarely ever get to hold their babies at birth. We held her and kissed her and told her we loved her and just took in as much of her as we could before she was taken away. We knew she'd be going into an incubator.

First family photo

After a few minutes, our baby was taken up to the NICU. We waited with so much anticipation to see her again...

This entire situation, from the moment my doctor said, "Your water has broken" to hearing those words "She's breathing on her own", was very stressful, full of fear, and so many unknown things. And yet in spite of all the stress and fear, I felt a sense of peace. I had to put everything in my good Lord's hands and trust that he would take care of my baby. My baby had arrived, now it was a matter of continuing to trust that my baby would be healthy, grow, and come home soon. So many unknowns still...

School is back in session!

Well, this is it, the final day of summer vacation. Well, it was last Sunday, but tomorrow we'll actually have kids around. Am I excited? Sort of. I'm teaching at a new school this year, Sherman High School in Sherman, TX. I'm still teaching Spanish, fortunately I only have 2 preps this year. 

So far things have gone well. New teacher induction was extremely long, with many hours of just sitting there and listening to people talk. I learned quite a bit, but it still was long. 

I'm not certain how I feel just yet about teaching at a different school. I have had a chance to see my kids from last year, and I'll be honest, it's tough thinking about the fact that I won't be with them this year. They made my first year as a teacher absolutely amazing! But I guess it's time for me to move on and get ready to deal with 130 new faces and characters. A part of me isn't ready to move, but seeing that tomorrow is Monday (1st day of School), I better be whether I like it or not.

On a good note, I have enjoyed being in a larger school. Our first day of in-service, sitting in the auditorium and listening to the band play, brought back several memories from my years in high school. I guess that could be one good thing, being back in that environment. Anyway....I better finish getting ready. Although I think I'll be as ready as I'll every be for now!

summer has come and gone....

Wow, so I said last time that I'd post more often....clearly that's not the case! And it isn't because my summer has been busy. On the other hand, I've had more time on my hands than I can ever remember. We didn't go anywhere this summer or really do much besides golf, cause we weren't certain on the near future (work in the Fall). I decided to resign from my position at Sulphur Bluff in hopes of finding something better. But before I get to that....

The wedding went great. It was May 23rd in Eureka Springs, AR. Everything happened so fast I can barely remember much of anything. But it was worth it! And we were surrounded by our favorite people, his parents, my parents, our siblings, his best friend, and 2 of my best friends. Our friends came in from Houston and California. That's true friendship there!

After the wedding, Chris and I spent an extra couple of days in Eureka Springs just venturing out into the cute little town. I'd never been there before; I thought it was amazing. We eventually made our way to The Great Passion Play, a live re-enactment of Jesus' death and resurrection. If you have never been, I definitely suggest that you get out there soon and see it. I really enjoyed it.

So Chris and I have now been married for 2 months and 13 days. Has it been good? I'd say it's been great! Has it been easy? Not all the time. We're still getting to know each others' little quirks. But I love the man! I can't complain one bit about him. He makes me happy, and that's his primary goal. I can only hope that I make him as happy as he makes me!

So this was our first summer off from work or any other commitments, and it's already going to be over! We finished our first year as teachers on June 4th, and we were pretty excited for it to come to an end. We were exhausted, and ready for the break. We spent a good part of the beginning helping my mother-in-law pack and move. That was somewhat less than enjoyable, the work that is.

Our vacation, at least that's what we call it, consisted of house-sitting for my parents while they were in Mexico for a week, then immediately house-sitting for my mother-in-law while they went on a cruise for a week. We watched tv, colored, and watched stuff about Michael Jackson the entire time. Perhaps next year we'll be the ones going to Mexico or on a cruise. That would be awesome!

As to golf...I like it, especially because it gives Chris and me something to enjoy together. But in triple digit temps....I DON'T THINK SO!!!! I made the mistake in June of agreeing to play a 3rd round of 9-holes with Chris, my father-in-law, and his friend. By the second hole, I was yelling "Who wants Panchos?!?!?!" That's my father-in-law's favorite place to eat. I had to make them want to end it quick. It made for a good laugh, so it wasn't all that bad. But still, I'd have to say that I'll probably enjoy golf more when the summer heat is gone!

For now, I await the new school year to start. My vacation ends on Sunday, the 9th. I begin my new teacher induction at Sherman ISD next Monday. I'm very excited. This job will be an absolute blessing for us. I'm making tons more money than what I was last year, now that I am working at a much larger school and on a full-time schedule. We're going to pretty financially stable, at least for this next year.

Taking the job at Sherman has given me an hour and ten minute drive to work. Fortunately, that will only last me a few weeks. We plan on moving to Commerce to take some time off of my drive. We have gone through the town several times looking for a place, and we think we have found it. We plan on renting a duplex. It isn't our own home still, but its in a great area of town, and it honestly does have a warm, home-like feeling, so I'm not complaining. I'm actually pretty excited. And not to mention that my best friend is moving in with us too, which I'm excited about also.

Hopefully this year will be an amazing one. For now, I will enjoy my last few days of sleeping in, finish up what I can towards my certification, and enjoy the time with Chris. Cause once the new year starts, I can tell things will be CRAZY!!!! We can only pray and hope for the best!

changes, changes everywhere!

i can't believe it's been close to 10 months since i last signed into this thing and posted something (at least i think). so many things have happened since last august...instead of going into detail, i'm just going to list everything i can think of as a quick update on my life:

-started teaching spanish to 10th - 12th graders, and i love it!

-got to re-live my days as basketball manager in high school through our school's basketball games by working them in the fall. that was awesome!

-met the most amazing guy ever, and getting married to him in 8 days!

-my best friend came to visit, and then sadly left again, but she's coming back for the wedding next weekend! and then hopefully moving back to texas!

-signed a contract for the 2009-2010 school year, yay!

-have gained a 2nd family through Chris, and i feel very blessed because of them

-got a new car, ran over an animal within 3 hours of driving off the lot and killed my car, had it in the shop for 2 weeks, drove it a month, then put it back in the shop for 2 more weeks due to problems from the first incident

-ran over something again and had my car in the shop again this week, 2nd bumper since i bought the car, hope this doesn't continue to happen! :(

-started visiting/looking for a new church home

-friends have graduated and moved away, more will do the same tomorrow! :(

-got to see old friends (and i don't mean old in age) at my old church's women's retreat, that was great! missed them a great deal!!!

not too much has happened, my life has calmed down since i moved from commerce to sulphur springs. the party scene doesn't really exist. i get to hang out with the girls every once in a while, but that's down to perhaps once every month or two. otherwise, i have a set routine....

-get up at 6

-leave for work at 7:15

-start teaching at 8:50 and finish teaching at 12:30

-come home

-go home

-spend dinner and the evening with Chris' family

-watch our shows on their significant days

-still go to bed around midnight

-do it all over again the next day

i'm still taking classes for the alternative certification program. that hasn't been much fun. good thing is that i'm taking the spanish oral proficiency test tomorrow at 11:30 am. if i can pass that and pass the content test in june, i'll have 1 year left! which means come next may/june, i'll be certified and DONE with school FOR GOOD!!! but from the talks between chris and me, we'll probably try to stay where we are for at least 4 or 5 years, which doesn't really bother me!

otherwise, i'm just here, living day to day, enjoying what comes my way, and trying to grow and mature through the things i don't like. chris is absolutely amazing, waiting for the right guy has definitely been worth it!!!! life is just good. hopefully now that the summer is quickly approaching, i'll have more time to share thoughts like i once used to!