My husband has begun walking in the evenings. I usually don't go because our baby is asleep by the time he goes. Tonight, I decided to join him, since we some rain today and it wasn't 100 degrees at 8 pm. We loaded up and headed to the track. I set up an app on my phone to keep stats on my walking, got Pandora running, put my headphones in, and said "Let's go." My husband tried talking to me within seconds of having started walking. I had to tell him that I couldn't hear him over the music. I didn't even bother taking out my headphones. Mean? Yeah, I guess. But I have my reason.
My last few posts have been about Christian songs. I love listening to worship music; it's so uplifting. So if I join my husband, I have to play Christian music. Otherwise, I know that I'm going to quickly say "Okay, I'm done" after only having done 1/4 of a lap. When I listen to my music, I'm reminded that Christ lives in me. And I can only imagine what he must be thinking in regards to how I go about my daily life, never taking into consideration that I need to take care of this body. My music keeps me going and pushes me so that I want to continue working on this body. Something I seriously need to start doing!
Now if you're wondering how far I walked, well it was only 1/4 of a mile. But hey, I NEVER exercise, so that's a pretty good start if you ask me! Let's see if I can last longer tomorrow! Fingers crossed!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
every season
Chris Tomlin has been one of my favorite Christian singers since about 2004. His lyrics are absolutely amazing and praise God in such a wonderful way. Tonight, as I was on my way to pick up my husband from his diabetes class at the hospital, a song of his new cd came on that just spoke to me, titled "Faithful".
Lately I have felt very lost. I don't know if it's because of the long summer we've had with my husband in the hospital twice, once while on vacation. Or perhaps that my child turned one, and thinking of her early arrival and how fast this past year flew by. Or that school is fixing to start up again and I'm worried about how my baby will do being left with her sitter. Or my mother-in-law's move to Arkansas and knowing the trials that she's going through. Or perhaps finding out that my car accident from two years ago is preventing us from being able to buy a house....
Just so many things going on, so many thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. I go through so many emotions on a daily basis it's exhausting. I'm tired, frustrated, impatient, angry, annoyed...And with all those emotions come the wonder of where God is in all of this. I know he knows every thought of mine, every fear, every emotion, but what is he doing. Is he truly there?
Then comes on this song that has played several times in my car, my iPod, and my computer. Yet I'd never listened to it, to the actual words, until tonight.
It reminded me that no matter what, he's faithful. He'll always be there to carry me through whatever it is that comes my way. No matter what season in life I may be in. I should know this, you'd think. But it never fails that life gets in the way and blinds me of the truth. I must remember that no matter how let down I might feel by life itself, there's one that won't let me down. And I must remember that ultimately it's not the things of this world that matter.
For now, I must continue to rebuild that relationship I once had with God.....
Lately I have felt very lost. I don't know if it's because of the long summer we've had with my husband in the hospital twice, once while on vacation. Or perhaps that my child turned one, and thinking of her early arrival and how fast this past year flew by. Or that school is fixing to start up again and I'm worried about how my baby will do being left with her sitter. Or my mother-in-law's move to Arkansas and knowing the trials that she's going through. Or perhaps finding out that my car accident from two years ago is preventing us from being able to buy a house....
Just so many things going on, so many thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. I go through so many emotions on a daily basis it's exhausting. I'm tired, frustrated, impatient, angry, annoyed...And with all those emotions come the wonder of where God is in all of this. I know he knows every thought of mine, every fear, every emotion, but what is he doing. Is he truly there?
Then comes on this song that has played several times in my car, my iPod, and my computer. Yet I'd never listened to it, to the actual words, until tonight.
You are there in every season of my soul
You are there, You're the anchor that will hold
You are there, in the valley of the shadows
You are faithful, God
It reminded me that no matter what, he's faithful. He'll always be there to carry me through whatever it is that comes my way. No matter what season in life I may be in. I should know this, you'd think. But it never fails that life gets in the way and blinds me of the truth. I must remember that no matter how let down I might feel by life itself, there's one that won't let me down. And I must remember that ultimately it's not the things of this world that matter.
For now, I must continue to rebuild that relationship I once had with God.....
Saturday, July 30, 2011
"Oceans From the Rain"
I heard this song for the first time tonight. It's by Seventh Day Slumber. There's a line in particular that stuck with me:
"And I’m amazed by You. Cause You’re never far away And all that I’ve been through, Your love has never changed"
It's taken me so long to be where I am with God. I have been lost for so long, and even more lost this past year as I recognized it was God's hand that saved my baby and at the same time allowed her struggles to occur. For a very long time I questioned him. I asked him "Why?" so many times. Why did she have to come so early and have to struggle through so much from the start. She had her entire life to come across struggles, why from the start? Was I being selfish with my questions, perhaps. After all, my baby I have only while God says it is ok. She isn't mine, she belongs to him, so he could do what he wanted.
So why put us through so much? Not just me of course since it also affected everyone in our family: my baby, my husband, my parents, my in-laws, everyone. We all felt the pain in our own way. But in the end, my question for God was why did we have to go through it period?
My only conclusion: He had to get our...my attention. I had thanked him for letting my baby live. I asked people to pray. I said all the right things and even "prayed", but never truly turned to him with faith guiding me to him. I didn't let him lead my life...and not just then but in the past too. He did all this to get my attention. Was it a harsh way to do it, yes. Was there any other way? Who knows. But that was his way of doing it.
So why the lyric? Because I see his love, once again. I have been able to look back at this past year... the past couple of years. When I wasn't paying attention, he was showing his love for me in so many different ways. And he showed me his love the most when I was going through so much, when I was blaming him, he still loved me.
It's just so amazing to see how great our God is. How enormous his grace and love is for us. I can't understand everything that he's done in my life, and the many things he will continue to do. But one thing I can be sure of is that his love will never change!
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Almost a year
I can't believe it, in 2 weeks we'll be celebrating my baby's 1st birthday. How can this be? Where did time go? I for some unknown reason, thought that because she'd come so early, we'd get an extra 2 months. What the heck was I thinking? We aren't celebrating it on October 8th, her original due date. We are celebrating it July 23rd, 3 days before her birthday.
This time last year, we had just moved into our current home. We were painting her room. Well, my husband and mother-in-law were painting it. I had to sit outside the window and watch. We were going to all the baby stores, looking at all the baby clothes, the room decor, everything. We bought her car seat and stroller. Little did we know we'd be using it sooner than expected.
Now, we prepare to take a week long vacation, so we can return to tackle the last few preparations that we need for her party. The theme: Yo Gabba Gabba. This is her favorite show. She dances, she claps, she smiles when it comes on. It's the one thing we know will keep her entertained when we need a few minutes of down time.
She's crawling all over the place. She giggles when we tickle her, which is the cutest thing ever. She learned to say "Mama" 2 days ago. We're working on "Dada" She's pulling up. She's just become such an independent little person. She has such a personality, it's beautiful!
Last week we received an awesome surprise on Facebook. Her primary nurse sent us a friend request. I was in tears when I saw her name. Unless you've been through our experience of having a preemie and being in the NICU, you wouldn't know what that means to someone. She remembered us, out of all the babies she's had throughout the year, she remembered US! It was just such an awesome moment for me. Through that, we found out that she'd be working on Emma's actual birthday. So that's where we'll be heading on her true 1st birthday, to see all our friends from the NICU.
These next couple of weeks are going to take their toll on me emotionally. I can already tell!
This time last year, we had just moved into our current home. We were painting her room. Well, my husband and mother-in-law were painting it. I had to sit outside the window and watch. We were going to all the baby stores, looking at all the baby clothes, the room decor, everything. We bought her car seat and stroller. Little did we know we'd be using it sooner than expected.
Now, we prepare to take a week long vacation, so we can return to tackle the last few preparations that we need for her party. The theme: Yo Gabba Gabba. This is her favorite show. She dances, she claps, she smiles when it comes on. It's the one thing we know will keep her entertained when we need a few minutes of down time.
She's crawling all over the place. She giggles when we tickle her, which is the cutest thing ever. She learned to say "Mama" 2 days ago. We're working on "Dada" She's pulling up. She's just become such an independent little person. She has such a personality, it's beautiful!
Last week we received an awesome surprise on Facebook. Her primary nurse sent us a friend request. I was in tears when I saw her name. Unless you've been through our experience of having a preemie and being in the NICU, you wouldn't know what that means to someone. She remembered us, out of all the babies she's had throughout the year, she remembered US! It was just such an awesome moment for me. Through that, we found out that she'd be working on Emma's actual birthday. So that's where we'll be heading on her true 1st birthday, to see all our friends from the NICU.
These next couple of weeks are going to take their toll on me emotionally. I can already tell!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
the sound of peace
Not a day has gone by that I don't feel blessed by my baby or my husband being in my life. Without then I don't know where I'd be. But so many other things surround me that I wish i could escape to the one place I know can bring me peace.
Deep in the hills of the Copper Canyon in Chihuahua lies a tiny lil ranch. On this ranch is a quaint little log house, with a tiny kitchen and two small bedrooms. Across from the house is a barn, where at keep the horses and cattle. Then there are the mountains and hills that surround the house. You can see the storms coming from miles away. You can hear the trees and branches dealing back and forth with the wind. It's absolutely beautiful.
I'd do anything to be there right now...
Deep in the hills of the Copper Canyon in Chihuahua lies a tiny lil ranch. On this ranch is a quaint little log house, with a tiny kitchen and two small bedrooms. Across from the house is a barn, where at keep the horses and cattle. Then there are the mountains and hills that surround the house. You can see the storms coming from miles away. You can hear the trees and branches dealing back and forth with the wind. It's absolutely beautiful.
I'd do anything to be there right now...
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7
Monday, October 11, 2010
memories and what used to be
this weekend, my family (my husband & baby) and i took a short trip to oklahoma city to visit a special family. i finally had the chance to introduce my husband to my former pastor and his wife: a wonderful married couple, parents, and more importantly, friends. and they were able to also meet my sweet baby. i don't know how to begin to explain what emotions this past weekend has brought over me, emotions that i haven't been able to set free. why such strong emotions?...
in 2002, i began to attend this wonderful little church in rowlett, rowlett bible fellowship (formerly creekside bible fellowship). when i began to attend, i did not know what i was doing there. i had been invited by a friend, and because i don't know how to say no, i went. the instant i attended their first service, something came over me that made me feel like i was at home.
by like the second or third service, i had met jeni and lance. it didn't take long for me to feel comfortable with them. and it wasn't long before i learned what my purpose was for attending this church. my purpose was so that Christ could put them in my life to tell me about him, so that i may one day come to believe and trust completely in him, and give my life to him. They are the ones that led me to Christ, and guided me throughout my spiritual life. if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't have the assurance of where i'm going when my life on this world ends.
my relationship continued with them when i went off to college, but everything changed for me there. i had moved away, and was no longer in a place where i could be held accountable, it was easy for me to not tell the truth. ultimately, i walked away from the awesome path that i had been walking on. i didn't talk as often to jeni, who had been my guide for the past 3 or 4 years. before i knew it, 2 years had passed, i had graduated, moved away, gotten married, and now sit where i am now, with a baby to take care of. in all that time, i hadn't forgotten about jeni, i just never made the time.
in spite of all that, she continued to be a friend to me. she showed me so much love even when i didn't deserve it. next thing i know, my baby is born prematurely, and she's letting me know that they are praying, and helping us out as best as they can. it was amazing to see how much she still cared for me, and now for my family.
this was the first weekend that we were able to get away, just the 3 of us. the first place i asked if we could go was oklahoma, to visit them. as we pulled up, and i saw my friends outside, i wanted nothing more than to cry. i had been through so much, and because of the distance, i wasn't able to have that friend there to comfort and carry me through my baby's NICU stay. i had many of my other church friends still, but she was the one that somehow always knew what to say to give me the strength i needed to trust that God was doing what was best. she teared up, she started crying, i just don't cry in front of people. but every part of me wanted to cry.
none the less, we spent a wonderful weekend with them. my husband got to meet them and know them more. he know understands why i like them so much, but more importantly why i love them as much as i do. if only i could demonstrate it to them some how. i hated having to leave, i hated having to say the good-byes and leave my friends behind as we drove 3 1/2 hours home. i'd do anything to have them close by again. but i guess the weekend trips will have to do. i'll simply be able to build more memories and not focus only on what used to be, but focus on what potentially could be...
in 2002, i began to attend this wonderful little church in rowlett, rowlett bible fellowship (formerly creekside bible fellowship). when i began to attend, i did not know what i was doing there. i had been invited by a friend, and because i don't know how to say no, i went. the instant i attended their first service, something came over me that made me feel like i was at home.
by like the second or third service, i had met jeni and lance. it didn't take long for me to feel comfortable with them. and it wasn't long before i learned what my purpose was for attending this church. my purpose was so that Christ could put them in my life to tell me about him, so that i may one day come to believe and trust completely in him, and give my life to him. They are the ones that led me to Christ, and guided me throughout my spiritual life. if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't have the assurance of where i'm going when my life on this world ends.
my relationship continued with them when i went off to college, but everything changed for me there. i had moved away, and was no longer in a place where i could be held accountable, it was easy for me to not tell the truth. ultimately, i walked away from the awesome path that i had been walking on. i didn't talk as often to jeni, who had been my guide for the past 3 or 4 years. before i knew it, 2 years had passed, i had graduated, moved away, gotten married, and now sit where i am now, with a baby to take care of. in all that time, i hadn't forgotten about jeni, i just never made the time.
in spite of all that, she continued to be a friend to me. she showed me so much love even when i didn't deserve it. next thing i know, my baby is born prematurely, and she's letting me know that they are praying, and helping us out as best as they can. it was amazing to see how much she still cared for me, and now for my family.
this was the first weekend that we were able to get away, just the 3 of us. the first place i asked if we could go was oklahoma, to visit them. as we pulled up, and i saw my friends outside, i wanted nothing more than to cry. i had been through so much, and because of the distance, i wasn't able to have that friend there to comfort and carry me through my baby's NICU stay. i had many of my other church friends still, but she was the one that somehow always knew what to say to give me the strength i needed to trust that God was doing what was best. she teared up, she started crying, i just don't cry in front of people. but every part of me wanted to cry.
none the less, we spent a wonderful weekend with them. my husband got to meet them and know them more. he know understands why i like them so much, but more importantly why i love them as much as i do. if only i could demonstrate it to them some how. i hated having to leave, i hated having to say the good-byes and leave my friends behind as we drove 3 1/2 hours home. i'd do anything to have them close by again. but i guess the weekend trips will have to do. i'll simply be able to build more memories and not focus only on what used to be, but focus on what potentially could be...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
56 days
The minute I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't wait to hold my baby in my arms, rock her to sleep while I sang to her in her nursery. I got to hold her. I got to sing to her. Not in her nursery. Not in our house. In the NICU. For 56 days I held my daughter, my firstborn, in the NICU while she grew stronger day by day. Finally, after 56 days, I can now hold her, rock her, and sing to her...in her nursery.
We were ecstatic the day we found out we could take her home. We were told that Monday would be the big day. But after harassing one of her primary nurses, she went and talked to the doctor, which in turn came up to my husband and said "Yeah, I don't see why she can't go home." I went absolutely crazy at the thought that my baby was finally coming home, the two of us were coming home!
Immediately we went to our house and got the final details in place. Her playard had to be put up, her bassinet had to go up, sheets needed to be washed, and so on. We returned to Dallas late at night, only to not get any sleep because of the excitement.
Sunday morning, we were up and ready to go earlier than we'd ever been. We observed as the front desk nurses filled out the last visitor name tags we'd get from the NICU. We walked through the double doors to find that her primary nurse, Karen, had returned in time to see her off.It was just all perfect. One of our favorite nurses was working that day, so of course we had to get pictures with her, and several of the nurses that had taken care of our baby.
After taking care of all the pictures with nurses, we went about our business, doing what we needed to get her ready to go home. We bathed her. We put on her adorable pink and brown dress, leggings, and pink and brown bow. She looked perfect. We took a few more pictures before putting her in her car seat, and heading down to the discharge parking area. We hugged Karen for the last time, and drove off.
Driving in front of Baylor, looking up to the window where our baby's crib sat, then looking to my left to see my baby by my side in the car, was bittersweet. It will be a day I will never forget. I'll remember every detail as if it happened yesterday, as well as everything that we went through throughout those 56 days. We are truly blessed, and I couldn't be in a happier place in life. I have my husband by my side, and my baby in my arms...my world is complete!
We were ecstatic the day we found out we could take her home. We were told that Monday would be the big day. But after harassing one of her primary nurses, she went and talked to the doctor, which in turn came up to my husband and said "Yeah, I don't see why she can't go home." I went absolutely crazy at the thought that my baby was finally coming home, the two of us were coming home!
Immediately we went to our house and got the final details in place. Her playard had to be put up, her bassinet had to go up, sheets needed to be washed, and so on. We returned to Dallas late at night, only to not get any sleep because of the excitement.
Sunday morning, we were up and ready to go earlier than we'd ever been. We observed as the front desk nurses filled out the last visitor name tags we'd get from the NICU. We walked through the double doors to find that her primary nurse, Karen, had returned in time to see her off.It was just all perfect. One of our favorite nurses was working that day, so of course we had to get pictures with her, and several of the nurses that had taken care of our baby.
After taking care of all the pictures with nurses, we went about our business, doing what we needed to get her ready to go home. We bathed her. We put on her adorable pink and brown dress, leggings, and pink and brown bow. She looked perfect. We took a few more pictures before putting her in her car seat, and heading down to the discharge parking area. We hugged Karen for the last time, and drove off.
Driving in front of Baylor, looking up to the window where our baby's crib sat, then looking to my left to see my baby by my side in the car, was bittersweet. It will be a day I will never forget. I'll remember every detail as if it happened yesterday, as well as everything that we went through throughout those 56 days. We are truly blessed, and I couldn't be in a happier place in life. I have my husband by my side, and my baby in my arms...my world is complete!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
there's that light we've been looking for!
This Monday marked the beginning of the 7th week since we've been in the NICU, not including the week that we spent in antepartum. All we have wanted is for our baby to be ok. Yes, we've wanted to take her home, but more importantly, that she won't have to return to the hospital. But after 7 weeks in a hospital, away from home, away from your spouse, well it begins to wear on a person. I am more than ready to not have to make the drive to the hospital early in the morning and late at night. I am more than ready to not eat lunch and dinner by myself. And I am more than ready to not have to "share" my baby with anybody but my husband (and grandparents I suppose). Finally, it looks like the end to all those "not" moments might be coming to an end.
We reached the last step for our baby to come home, which consisted of taking 8 full bottles (of whatever amount she's taking at the time) in a day. We reached that point 2 weeks ago when they began to nipple feed (a.k.a. bottle feed) her at 34 weeks. We have worked on her taking a bottle everyday since then. The nurses kept saying "The light bulb will go off one of these days, don't worry." Everyday I would hear them tell me this when I'd get discouraged after she'd only take so much. She would take one full bottle here and there, but never consecutively.
Yesterday, that began to change. She took 6 full bottles, 4 in a row then 2 in a row after a small break. We had never seen her take more than one bottle, so to see her take 4 in a row was amazing! I was texting and emailing my husband every 3 hours and saying "2nd one down...3rd one down...etc". We were both so excited. Today she didn't complete a single one, but came so close to it every single time that they won't count them against her. So we weren't too discouraged.
Because she took so many bottles in one day, the discharging process has begun. The occupational therapist came in and did an assessment while she nipple fed. She's begun teaching me techniques to use at home, as well as toys that will be helpful for Emma's development. They have changed her calorie formula from hospital grade only to a formula that we can purchase in the store. Her shot to protect her from RSV was given today. That was the most encouraging part of today, although sad to hear her crying from the pain. Apparently that shot is only given on Tuesdays. The nurse practitioner that saw her this morning told the nurse, "We better do it today, she'll probably be gone by next Tuesday". So that was nice to know!
We all have our fingers crossed that in the next couple of days, that light bulb will come on completely and she'll take those 8 bottles. For me, that means being at home with my husband and baby, and us finally being a family. For my husband, that means having his two favorite girls at home. We have begun to see the light at the end of this insanely long tunnel we've journeyed down. And we anxiously await to reach that light!
We reached the last step for our baby to come home, which consisted of taking 8 full bottles (of whatever amount she's taking at the time) in a day. We reached that point 2 weeks ago when they began to nipple feed (a.k.a. bottle feed) her at 34 weeks. We have worked on her taking a bottle everyday since then. The nurses kept saying "The light bulb will go off one of these days, don't worry." Everyday I would hear them tell me this when I'd get discouraged after she'd only take so much. She would take one full bottle here and there, but never consecutively.
Yesterday, that began to change. She took 6 full bottles, 4 in a row then 2 in a row after a small break. We had never seen her take more than one bottle, so to see her take 4 in a row was amazing! I was texting and emailing my husband every 3 hours and saying "2nd one down...3rd one down...etc". We were both so excited. Today she didn't complete a single one, but came so close to it every single time that they won't count them against her. So we weren't too discouraged.
Because she took so many bottles in one day, the discharging process has begun. The occupational therapist came in and did an assessment while she nipple fed. She's begun teaching me techniques to use at home, as well as toys that will be helpful for Emma's development. They have changed her calorie formula from hospital grade only to a formula that we can purchase in the store. Her shot to protect her from RSV was given today. That was the most encouraging part of today, although sad to hear her crying from the pain. Apparently that shot is only given on Tuesdays. The nurse practitioner that saw her this morning told the nurse, "We better do it today, she'll probably be gone by next Tuesday". So that was nice to know!
We all have our fingers crossed that in the next couple of days, that light bulb will come on completely and she'll take those 8 bottles. For me, that means being at home with my husband and baby, and us finally being a family. For my husband, that means having his two favorite girls at home. We have begun to see the light at the end of this insanely long tunnel we've journeyed down. And we anxiously await to reach that light!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Pure insanity
I got the courage to one day write an email to one person and share what all I had been feeling (I never did send it) .I hadn't shared it with anyone:
I wake up twice in the night to pump milk for a baby that's in the NICU...after a total of maybe 5 hours, I get up and get ready to head up to the hospital, I walk up to the hospital and pass by the waiting room that everyone sat in and waited to hear that a baby had arrived...then I pass by the outside of the delivery room which should have brought joy but in turn brought nothing but panic and anxiety...then I go up to the 7th floor where all the nurses know me now and follow the same routine: change a diaper, watch them attach the gavage feeding line and watch as the milk passes through the orange thin line and up through the baby's nose, which leads straight to her stomach. i watch her sleep, make all these different facial expressions, and observe as the nurses check her...i've learned to do 3/4 of the things that the nurses would do in the begining, and now I do them: detach the feeding line, silence the alarms, turn off the gavage machine after the feedings, go to the storage cabinet and grab blankets or extra diapers, explain to other parents how to read the monitors and what lines to check, as well as check my own baby's leads and take them off when needed to be changed...then at the end of the day i leave, head back down the elevator, out the building, pass that delivery and waiting room, and think about nothing but the stress, panic, and anxiety I experienced the day that this all began...
this wasn't how i had envisioned how motherhood would begin for me. i hadn't envisioned having a premature baby, having to leave her behind and go see her in a hospital and be a mother to her there instead of at home, having to see my husband cry because he's going to be gone for days and won't see me or his baby, having to sit alone at the hospital because he's had to go back to work...instead being a mom consist of me doing everything above, as well as telling my baby that i'm sorry every day because she's having to go through all of this, and i have to talk to her in a happy voice because i don't want her to sense my anger and my sadness, i want her to be as happy as she can be.
and when i think about my entire experience at the hospital, from finding out that my water broke, to the moment they said it was time to push, i feel nothing but anger...anger towards God for letting things happen like this, anger towards myself or my body for not being able to stop it from doing whatever it did to let her come so soon, anger towards everyone for letting me down during this time by not visiting, calling, showing concern...
if i bothered to try and explain everything that i am feeling, we'd never come to an end...
Friday, September 10, 2010
Trials ahead
I was discharged from the hospital on Wednesday, the 28th. The night before, both Chris and I spent hours with our baby in the NICU.
Knowing that I would be leaving the next day without my baby was the most difficult thing to think about. I had no choice but to break down. So many emotions were going through my mind, the worst was feeling guilty that my baby was having to go through all of this because of me. I know now that nothing I could have done would have stopped her from arriving so soon. However, I strongly felt that it was my fault, my body's fault for letting my baby come out into this world when she did. Crazy thoughts? Perhaps. But that's how I felt. I begged her to forgive me over and over again. I promised that I would make it my priority to protect her from anything and everything that could harm her. I promised her that she'd have everything she needed. Finally around 2 am, we went to bed to get ready for the following day.
As we left the hospital, after going to see my baby, I couldn't help but cry on the way home. It was a gorgeous day outside, sunny with beautiful white clouds covering the blue sky here and there. It was the perfect day to have had our car seat in the back with a sleeping baby, and yet there was nothing and no one.
Even worse was walking into our home and seeing our empty nursery. Her crib was all put together and set up, her swing, the glider I'd rock her to sleep in at night. It was the worst feeling ever. But I was able to keep it together. I walked in and grabbed some of her blankets and hats and booties. I was doing fine, until Chris walked in and saw her sweater hanging on her rack. He grabbed it, put it up next to his chest, and started crying. At that point I lost it. We had to get out of there. I grabbed everything that I was there to get, and closed the doors to her room.
This was, without a doubt, one of the toughest days for us. And yet we knew we had many more difficult days ahead of us. We weren't certain how fast our baby would show signs of being fine, and we definitely didn't know when we'd actually be taking her home. All we knew was that we had many days ahead of us at the hospital.
Knowing that I would be leaving the next day without my baby was the most difficult thing to think about. I had no choice but to break down. So many emotions were going through my mind, the worst was feeling guilty that my baby was having to go through all of this because of me. I know now that nothing I could have done would have stopped her from arriving so soon. However, I strongly felt that it was my fault, my body's fault for letting my baby come out into this world when she did. Crazy thoughts? Perhaps. But that's how I felt. I begged her to forgive me over and over again. I promised that I would make it my priority to protect her from anything and everything that could harm her. I promised her that she'd have everything she needed. Finally around 2 am, we went to bed to get ready for the following day.As we left the hospital, after going to see my baby, I couldn't help but cry on the way home. It was a gorgeous day outside, sunny with beautiful white clouds covering the blue sky here and there. It was the perfect day to have had our car seat in the back with a sleeping baby, and yet there was nothing and no one.
Even worse was walking into our home and seeing our empty nursery. Her crib was all put together and set up, her swing, the glider I'd rock her to sleep in at night. It was the worst feeling ever. But I was able to keep it together. I walked in and grabbed some of her blankets and hats and booties. I was doing fine, until Chris walked in and saw her sweater hanging on her rack. He grabbed it, put it up next to his chest, and started crying. At that point I lost it. We had to get out of there. I grabbed everything that I was there to get, and closed the doors to her room.
This was, without a doubt, one of the toughest days for us. And yet we knew we had many more difficult days ahead of us. We weren't certain how fast our baby would show signs of being fine, and we definitely didn't know when we'd actually be taking her home. All we knew was that we had many days ahead of us at the hospital.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)