Day 3: Low angle

This was as best as I could think of...it could be better....

This is a picture of the National Cathedral in Washington. I saw this place in person in 2006, and it was absolutely amazing! I was so fascinated by the architectural uniqueness of it. I'd love to go see this again, one day soon.

Day 2: Orange

 Well, this is pretty much my life from 8-5. These ORAGE books say it all. My husband calls me a cheater for teaching Spanish when I speak it, read it, and write it fluently. I hadn't even planned on teaching Spanish until a girl suggested I apply for a job at the same school she'd been hired at. I got hired right away. And that's what I've been doing for the past 4 years.

I have an 18 month old and it's important that I try to teach her Spanish. My parents speak it to her, which is great, as does her uncle (well every once in a while). But I just can't seem to find it in me to actually speak it to her. She's learned "zapatos" or shoes...and that's about it. I think the fact that my husband speaks 0 Spanish has a lot to do with it. Everyone always tells me, even strangers, "You better teach her Spanish!" Cause I don't need any pressure or anything!

When I was growing up, my mom had a rule: No English at home, Spanish only. You can learn English in school and with friends. And that's exactly how I learned to speak English, in pre-school. She always tells me that the first day home from pre-school, I was talking to my "students" (stuffed animals) in English and teaching them. Too bad my child can't go to a Spanish only school. Guess I'd have to go to Mexico for that. Hmmmm????

I think it might be time I suck it up and just start talking it. This is the crucial time for her to learn it. If she's ever going to pick it up, it's going to be now. Besides, might as well shove it into my husband's brain too. Maybe he'll eventually be able to understand her one day! :-)

Challenge Day 1

Well, Lent has begun once again. 40 days of giving something up. I haven't participated in this in a while, so I don't know how to feel about it. I've decided that I'm giving up  Facebook. But I just honestly don't think I can make it. I don't even do anything on FB, just stalk basically. Sad, I know. So I've debated, what will I do now that I can't turn my phone on every 2 minutes to see what's going on. Then I thought, "Hmmm...I do have my blog. And I have my camera. Perhaps a photo challenge to blog about. Uhmm yep, that's what I'll do." Will it actually happen? Guess we'll find out.For now, we start off with Day 1: Self portrait and 15 facts about me.

My Self-portrait

*can you tell how tired I am from dealing with 180 freshman!?! *

15 facts about me:

1. I'm married to the most amazing guy in the world.

2. I'm a preemie mom of a beautiful 18 months old. 

3. I'm Mexican-American.

4. My mom raised me to be proud of my roots, which I definitely am.

5. Chihuahua is my favorite place to travel to.

6. I have 2 half sisters that live in Mexico.

7. My niece is 26 days shy of being 2 years younger than me.

8. I always wanted a younger brother or sister but ended up being the baby in the family.

9. Photography is my favorite hobby.

10. I'm a high school teacher (feel free to feel sorry for me).

11. I'm the first one in the family to graduate college with a degree. (Go me!)

12. I graduated with a college degree not knowing what good it would do me, but was ready to be done with school so I said "Sure, that English can be my major".

13. I value true friendships.

14. My walk with God began when I was 22 years old.

14. I grew up wanting to be a teacher, changed my mind in college, and the first job I landed was teaching Spanish....go figure.

15. Change is my enemy in my life, I hate it!

Loneliness

I've always been the type that has one very close friend, that one best friend that you turn to for everything. Every stage in my life, that best friend has changed, but I've never felt the way I do now...where do I even start?

To make a long story short, my friendship with my best friend changed drastically within a one year span. I'd always think in the back of my mind, "I should really call/text her". I wanted the friendship that we once had. And I know that things can't ever be what they were. Last summer, I was 7 months pregnant. The last thing we expected to happen occurred, my water broke at 28 weeks. I was transferred from east Texas to a hospital in Dallas. The last person I expected to see was her. None the less, she showed up. She was even there while I was in active labor after 2 weeks of bed rest in the hospital. She kept her word of being there, a promise we'd made to each other 4 years ago.
This last year has come and gone. We met up less than a handful of times. And now she's back home in California for good. And here I sit, wondering why I gave up so easily on someone that didn't give up on me when I screwed up big time when our friendship was the strongest. Could I have done more to take our friendship anywhere near back to where it was in the beginning?

Something I have felt since our friendship changed was loneliness. I have felt this void within me. My life is filled with many blessings, the two greatest being my husband and baby. I love them both to death. But there's just something missing. And I know that one thing that is missing is my friend. That bond that I had with her, that closeness I felt. I guess it's my human side coming out. I just can't seem to shake the loneliness and it's driving me insane!

Countdown to nothing

I don't know what has happened to me. I mean I do, life has happened to me. But my writing, my thoughts, half the time I feel like I have no thoughts. Driving used to be the best therapy for me, because I could let my thoughts wander. Sometimes, now, while I'm driving, I'm amazed that I can't come up with anything to think about. I think I'm just exhausted with life. IDK.

There has been one thing that has weighed heavily on my heart, Mexico and my family. I submitted my application for a name change on my passport. It's been a good 2 years since I've gotten to go back, since I got married and had a baby. Things have been dangerous with the drug war that's been going on. Everyday, I imagine receiving my passport in the mail, and crying because I know it is one step closer to seeing my family.

I have never felt more disconnected in my life than I do right now. I don't think anyone will ever truly understand what it's like to have so many people you love, and not be able to see them because of the dangers that one NEVER thought would come to exists. The fact that a border could keep me separated from my family and all I know is just beyond me.

I always envisioned growing up, getting married and having children, and taking my husband and children to visit my family, just as my mom did with my brother and me. I already have to deal with my baby never meeting my grandmother, and several of my aunts and uncles. But the fact that I still have family that she could meet, and she can't, kills me. Yes, I want my husband to meet my family, but she's the one that truly has that connection with my roots, through my blood. My husband, I feel, has a difficult time understanding my pain of not being able to see my family, because his family is all around us. He isn't separated from his family by 14 hours or a drug war.

It's like for the first time ever, I wish I had no understanding of what it means to be a Mexican with family "back home". I just don't know how else to put it. It kills me, it brings me to tears knowing that I feel that way. But if being Mexican-American isn't difficult enough, try being a Mexican-American that was raised being proud of who you are and where your roots are, and having to practically forget it all.At least forgetting seems to be the best option.

So I wait for my passport to arrive, but basically for it to just sit there, in a safe place. I countdown the days for it to arrive, knowing that the only thing it will be good for, will be to attend a funeral perhaps, and not to continue to deepen the roots of my ancestors that exists through me and into my daughter.

Walking with encouragement

My husband has begun walking in the evenings. I usually don't go because our baby is asleep by the time he goes. Tonight, I decided to join him, since we some rain today and it wasn't 100 degrees at 8 pm. We loaded up and headed to the track. I set up an app on my phone to keep stats on my walking, got Pandora running, put my headphones in, and said "Let's go." My husband tried talking to me within seconds of having started walking. I had to tell him that I couldn't hear him over the music. I didn't even bother taking out my headphones. Mean? Yeah, I guess. But I have my reason.

My last few posts have been about Christian songs. I love listening to worship music; it's so uplifting. So if I join my husband, I have to play Christian music. Otherwise, I know that I'm going to quickly say "Okay, I'm done" after only having done 1/4 of a lap. When I listen to my music, I'm reminded that Christ lives in me. And I can only imagine what he must be thinking in regards to how I go about my daily life, never taking into consideration that I need to take care of this body. My music keeps me going and pushes me so that I want to continue working on this body. Something I seriously need to start doing!

Now if you're wondering how far I walked, well it was only 1/4 of a mile. But hey, I NEVER exercise, so that's a pretty good start if you ask me! Let's see if I can last longer tomorrow! Fingers crossed!

every season

Chris Tomlin has been one of my favorite Christian singers since about 2004. His lyrics are absolutely amazing and praise God in such a wonderful way. Tonight, as I was on my way to pick up my husband from his diabetes class at the hospital, a song of his new cd came on that just spoke to me, titled "Faithful".

Lately I have felt very lost. I don't know if it's because of the long summer we've had with my husband in the hospital twice, once while on vacation. Or perhaps that my child turned one, and thinking of her early arrival and how fast this past year flew by. Or that school is fixing to start up again and I'm worried about how my baby will do being left with her sitter. Or my mother-in-law's move to Arkansas and knowing the trials that she's going through. Or perhaps finding out that my car accident from two years ago is preventing us from being able to buy a house....

Just so many things going on, so many thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. I go through so many emotions on a daily basis it's exhausting. I'm tired, frustrated, impatient, angry, annoyed...And with all those emotions come the wonder of where God is in all of this. I know he knows every thought of mine, every fear, every emotion, but what is he doing. Is he truly there?

Then comes on this song that has played several times in my car, my iPod, and my computer. Yet I'd never listened to it, to the actual words, until tonight.

You are there in every season of my soul
You are there, You're the anchor that will hold
You are there, in the valley of the shadows
You are faithful, God

It reminded me that no matter what, he's faithful. He'll always be there to carry me through whatever it is that comes my way. No matter what season in life I may be in. I should know this, you'd think. But it never fails that life gets in the way and blinds me of the truth. I must remember that no matter how let down I might feel by life itself, there's one that won't let me down. And I must remember that ultimately it's not the things of this world that matter.

For now, I must continue to rebuild that relationship I once had with God.....

"Oceans From the Rain"

I heard this song for the first time tonight. It's by Seventh Day Slumber. There's a line in particular that stuck with me:
  
"And I’m amazed by You. Cause You’re never far away And all that I’ve been through, Your love has never changed"

It's taken me so long to be where I am with God. I have been lost for so long, and even more lost this past year as I recognized it was God's hand that saved my baby and at the same time allowed her struggles to occur. For a very long time I questioned him. I asked him "Why?" so many times. Why did she have to come so early and have to struggle through so much from the start. She had her entire life to come across struggles, why from the start? Was I being selfish with my questions, perhaps. After all, my baby I have only while God says it is ok. She isn't mine, she belongs to him, so he could do what he wanted.

So why put us through so much? Not just me of course since it also affected everyone in our family: my baby, my husband, my parents, my in-laws, everyone. We all felt the pain in our own way. But in the end, my question for God was why did we have to go through it period?

My only conclusion: He had to get our...my attention. I had thanked him for letting my baby live. I asked people to pray. I said all the right things and even "prayed", but never truly turned to him with faith guiding me to him.  I didn't let him lead my life...and not just then but in the past too. He did all this to get my attention. Was it a harsh way to do it, yes. Was there any other way? Who knows. But that was his way of doing it.

So why the lyric? Because I see his love, once again. I have been able to look back at this past year... the past couple of years. When I wasn't paying attention, he was showing his love for me in so many different ways. And he showed me his love the most when I was going through so much, when I was blaming him, he still loved me.

It's just so amazing to see how great our God is. How enormous his grace and love is for us. I can't understand everything that he's done in my life, and the many things he will continue to do. But one thing I can be sure of is that his love will never change!

Almost a year

I can't believe it, in 2 weeks we'll be celebrating my baby's 1st birthday. How can this be? Where did time go? I for some unknown reason, thought that because she'd come so early, we'd get an extra 2 months. What the heck was I thinking? We aren't celebrating it on October 8th, her original due date. We are celebrating it July 23rd, 3 days before her birthday.

This time last year, we had just moved into our current home. We were painting her room. Well, my husband and mother-in-law were painting it. I had to sit outside the window and watch. We were going to all the baby stores, looking at all the baby clothes, the room decor, everything. We bought her car seat and stroller. Little did we know we'd be using it sooner than expected.

Now, we prepare to take a week long vacation, so we can return to tackle the last few preparations that we need for her party. The theme: Yo Gabba Gabba. This is her favorite show. She dances, she claps, she smiles when it comes on. It's the one thing we know will keep her entertained when we need a few minutes of down time.

She's crawling all over the place. She giggles when we tickle her, which is the cutest thing ever. She learned to say "Mama" 2 days ago. We're working on "Dada" She's pulling up. She's just become such an independent little person. She has such a personality, it's beautiful!

Last week we received an awesome surprise on Facebook. Her primary nurse sent us a friend request. I was in tears when I saw her name. Unless you've been through our experience of having a preemie and being in the NICU, you wouldn't know what that means to someone. She remembered us, out of all the babies she's had throughout the year, she remembered US! It was just such an awesome moment for me. Through that, we found out that she'd be working on Emma's actual birthday. So that's where we'll be heading on her true 1st birthday, to see all our friends from the NICU.

These next couple of weeks are going to take their toll on me emotionally. I can already tell!

the sound of peace

Not a day has gone by that I don't feel blessed by my baby or my husband being in my life. Without then I don't know where I'd be. But so many other things surround me that I wish i could escape to the one place I know can bring me peace.

Deep in the hills of the Copper Canyon in Chihuahua lies a tiny lil ranch. On this ranch is a quaint little log house, with a tiny kitchen and two small bedrooms. Across from the house is a barn, where at keep the horses and cattle. Then there are the mountains and hills that surround the house. You can see the storms coming from miles away. You can hear the trees and branches dealing back and forth with the wind. It's absolutely beautiful.

I'd do anything to be there right now...

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