It's finally over...but thoughts still linger

Well, the quinceañera has come and gone. Everything went very well. Vanessa and I woke up at 5:30 am to begin getting ready for the big day. In the time it took to take a shower and get her hair done, it was already time to head home and change into her dress so we could go to the church. This is where all the crying began.

I wasn't expecting to be the one to dress her that day, I was hoping it would be my mom, since it's the "mom" that's supposed to dress the girl. Since Maria couldn't be there, I figured my mom would take her place. I did my best to not start crying in front of her, because I couldn't help but think of Maria. So we quickly got that process done. Thank goodness we had a full house that morning, with plenty of people coming and asking what we needed to get done. As Vanessa walked out of the house, Ana (her aunt), gave her her blessing (in representation of Maria) before heading to the church. This was the first moment my mom started to cry, well second if you count when she saw Vanessa all dressed up.

We arrived at the church at 10:30 (started at 11). This was definitely a day in which I'd make certain that punctuality was a priority. We got Alondra, my 3 year old niece, to practice her entrance, since she'd be the first one to walk in. Then Nessa's escort and his mom, Vanessa's aunt with her, and then my parents right behind them. At the last minute, I was told that I'd be reading a passage from the Bible. Wasn't a problem for me, just unexpected (I like to know what's going on). The mass went great. Of course, we had another cry fest there.

After the mass, we all headed to my house to begin preparing the decorations for the reception hall. And my mom began cooking the food for the after-party. I'm telling you, my house was chaotic. Luckily, we had about 3 hours in between, so Nessa and I got out for a bit and relaxed at a much quieter house. We drove around for a bit before heading over to pick up my dress for the evening.

By the time we got back to the house, it was time to change back into her dress and head over to reception place. Aman (my sleep-loving friend) and her friend Jessie, drove in from Commerce to be my support that day(she'd seen me stressing all week long). She even arrived early at the church, which is something she is known for not doing! Gotta love her. She watched as I layered Vanessa up with everything she had to wear. All she could say was, "Dang, this is just like a wedding".

Aman, Jessie, and I stayed behind so I could finish preparing the presentation details. By the time we went to the reception hall, the entire place was decorated in pink and white. It was beautiful! It was also amazing to see how everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was helping out (even Aman and Jessie). While they finished up, I took Vanessa and Eric into another room to practice their presentation dance. They had a few parts that they were messing up, but once again, my supportive friend told me it would be alright. So we all went to eat.

Finally, it was time for the big presentation. Alondra walked in first, then Eric and his mom, and finally my mom & dad walked in, presenting Vanessa to all the guests. The first song was in Spanish "La Ultima Muñeca" - The Last Doll. The song speaks of a father walking in with a doll behind his back, but as he looks up, he sees that his little girl is no longer a little girl, but all grown up. The dad then begins to dance with his "little girl", and ultimately never even shows her the doll he had bought her. So my dad simply began dancing with Vanessa.

Man, the minute my dad heard the song, he started to cry. And you could see in Vanessa's eyes, that she was going to start crying as well. Before we knew it, everyone was crying. It's an emotional thing to know that we had seen this baby come into the world 15 years ago, had seen her grow up year after year, and ultimately turn into a young lady. This is what we saw as we saw her dancing with the only father she's ever really known - my dad, her godfather. And there's even more of an emotion when you envision how proud her mom would be of her at that moment, but she is not able to be there to witness it. So you have to know what all is going through our minds.

After she danced with my dad, two of my cousins, "aunts" to her, changed her hair piece and placed a crown on her head. It took them a while to put it on her. I remember it taking the same two cousins a long time to put the crown on my head almost 10 years ago!

And finally we did the last song, the song in which she danced for the first time as a "young lady" with a "young man". Dude, if you thought we were crying when she was dancing with my dad, you should have seen us during this song. I couldn't help but break down. I had to turn and cry on my mom's shoulder. My tears were flowing like crazy. And I had to fight them as much as I could, because everyone kept telling me, "She sees you and cries even more, don't cry in front of her". I couldn't help it. I missed Maria. And I hated that she couldn't see what I was seeing, the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen; a girl that had grown so much in the past 2 years, in the absence of her mother.

After she was done, she was nothing but tears. I took her in my arms and told her that she looked beautiful and had done an amazing job with her presentation. But then came the next tear jerker, her thank you speech to everyone. My mom had to take it and read it because Vanessa couldn't get the words out. Of course everyone was crying. And everyone cried even more when my mom read the part where Vanessa wanted to recognize her mom.

Once all that was over, we got the party started. Sweet Aman gave me just what I needed, a hug, to make it through the rest of the night. Everyone enjoyed themselves and had a good time. Jeni even showed up, right when they were playing some 50's Rock 'N Roll music. She went out and danced with my mom. She tried getting me to. I don't think so, that's not my type of music. Ha!

By 9/10 pm, I was ready to go home. At 10, everyone started cleaning up and getting ready to go to my house. I'd already warned the parental unit that I would just stop by the house to get my stuff and head back home. And that's exactly what I did. I felt bad leaving my mom with all the guests at the house, but all my aunts from Tyler where there helping her out. And I needed some rest. It had been a very tiring day. So I headed out and got on the road around 11:30. Luckily, Sara called me from San Antonio and kept me awake the entire way to Commerce. I made it home at 12:30ish, and simply crashed.

I slept in until about 1:30 pm Sunday afternoon. When I finally got up, all I could do was think of how well everything had gone the day before. We were on time to everything, nothing went wrong. I still couldn't help but think of Maria. Every time I thought of a significant event (dressing Vanessa, Vanessa's blessing as she left to the church, the mass, the presentation, etc.), all the times that Maria would have either done something or been present at and would have been smiling, well it just weighed heavily on my heart. Maria has definitely been on my mind since. All I can hope is that she was able to look down from up above and smile as she saw her beautiful daughter celebrating her quinceaños, and hoping that it was just as Maria always dreamed it would be.

Now, we all simply try to go back to our everyday lives, and simply enjoy the memories that are engraved in our minds of Vanessa's special day.

p.s. We did get plenty of pictures. As soon as I get those, I'll post them up so you can see them!

Stressful but exciting!

For the past 6 months, preparations for Vanessa's quinceañera have taken over my mom's life (and currently mine). My mom took on an extra job, which ultimately turned into 3 jobs, to raise the money necessary to make this sweet 15 happen. In case you have no idea what a sweet 15 consist of, just think of a wedding! Anyway...

Right now we are working on the "very tiny details" left to take care of...

My mom began cooking on Monday; she and Vanessa peeled 30 pounds of potatoes for a potato salad. Wednesday, she will begin cooking the briskets that she bought, which is about 8 in total. Then there's the rest of the food that other family members will be cooking to help our electric bill still as low as possible. Ha!

Along with cooking, there's the cleaning of our house. My dad decided(at the worst time possible!) to pull up the carpet. He claimed that we'd have tile by this weekend, but we knew that wouldn't be happening. This has to be one of the biggest things that bothers me, just because I know that my mom has tons, and I mean TONS of things to do, and I'm way the heck out in the middle of nowhere. I'm only an hour away, but with gas prices, it's really tough going home every day to help out. We were having the after-party at my cousins house, but for some reason, it got moved to our house. Ugh! More stress!

And the final touch that we're working on is Vanessa's dance presentation. I can't believe we waited until a month before the actual 15th to put a dance together! I remember that we started 3 months before my 15th with our dance practice. The week before my mom left on vacation, she took Vanessa to "practice" at her escort's house. Both my mom and his mom tried coming up with a dance, but were a bit unsuccessful. The following week, she left on vacation and I had no other choice but to take Vanessa to practice, and ultimately take over the dance part. Here we are, the week of the 15th, and we're still working on getting small parts of the dance just right. Unfortunately, they asked a bit of a perfectionist to take over the choreography! Thankfully, Aman came along today and helped in perfecting the dance a bit more. There are 3 days left, and only 2 more opportunities to get this dance just right! Not to mention all the music needed for the entrance, the dance with my dad, the coronation, and the song that will get the party going!

On top of that, I'm in charger of writing the Thank You speech will give that night, and the toast that my dad will be giving that night as well. I'm telling you, this is just like a stinkin' wedding!

We are really looking forward to Saturday night. Although, there is a bit of sadness, considering someone very important will be missing from the celebration, Vanessa's mom. I read out loud the thank you speech that I wrote out to my mom, the one Vanessa will read that night. I knew somehow we had to acknowledge Maria, so of course, I ended the speech with a lil' something Vanessa will say to her mom. As I started reading that part to my mom, I couldn't help but tear up. I ultimately had to stop reading and let my mom read it on her own. We both ended up in tears. Aman sat there, not completely knowing why we were crying, but I think the lil' Spanish she knows might have clued her in to why. Not to mention she and I have been talking about it for the past week or so.

I have to remember that I am still taking a class, and that a test is coming up in one day. (which btw, I made a B on the first one. Yay!) But I can't help have the 15th on my mind all day long. I'm nervous, anxious, stressed, but excited! It's going to be amazing! And Vanessa is going to look so beautiful. I can't wait!!!

"Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

The questions that runs through my mind as I listen to this song over and over again:

1)Who are the "everybody's" watching me?
2)What move will I make next?
3)What will these "everybody's" say about it?
4)Why do these "everybody's" have such control over me?

Problems caused....

"Look at the problems you cause me to have..." I don't understand these words. What problems? I run around trying to find the best solution so he doesn't have to worry about me. I hide things from him so he doesn't worry if I'm okay, or if I need something. I find my way around. I find a way to get what I need. I avoid asking him for things I do need so he can be happy. I haven't gotten into major trouble. I've worked my butt off to make him happy, and all I get is "Look at the problems you cause me to have..." I don't understand!

Epysodes and the ride called Life

Epysodes is a place I hadn't been to in almost 3 years. That's where a group of us went to last night, and man, did we have a blast. It was so awesome being out there and just having a good time dancing and enjoying ourselves. My friends were a bit surprised that I even danced, since I have a tendency to not do so at the parties that we go to. But hey, it's a club, how can you not dance???

Being out there brought back some fun memories of when I first started going to Epysodes with my friend Laura. Good time...good times!

And now, after getting home at 5:30 am, and sleeping for only 7 hours, here I am debating what to do. I have a movie date with a couple of friends tonight. We're watching Oceans 13. We'd planned on having an "Oceans" marathon, but I doubt that's going to happen.

My room (at the parents home) is a disaster! I should probably clean it up. And it is also Sunday, meaning that tomorrow I will be quizzed on my reading assignments. I haven't even looked at my history reading assignment! Whoops.

A couple of deep thoughts for today:

Aman has this thing on her myspace that says "Life isn't about finding yourself, Life is about creating yourself." I've always liked reading that little statement on her profile. It reminds me of my cousins words when she said, "You're finding out who you are. You're free to discover new things now, and able to create your own world." All I can think is I already am somebody, I just haven't been able to figure out what it is that I am. Aman told me the other day, "Have a little more faith in yourself. You are capable of so many things, but you don't trust yourself enough." Hmmmm...that has definitely left me thinking.

Here is one thing that has been on my mind for some time. I heard this song by Gary Allan called "Life Ain't Always Beautiful". The main words of the song go like this:

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

CHORUS
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

etc.

This song really describes how I have felt for sometime. But more importantly, it isn't so much what I have felt as it is what I have learned. Life isn't always beautiful. How nice it would be if it were. But there are two things that I really like about this song.

"But struggles make you stronger, and changes make you wiser." You could have asked me back in March if I were strong, and I would have said "HECK NO!" My friends saw it, everyone saw it. I even look back and see how weak I was, how weak I am, and perhaps how weak I will always be. But the difference being that what I've been through, my struggles, have made me stronger in one way or another. I do see myself as a stronger person now than what I was months ago.

Then there's the other line I really like. "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride". I see the changes I've been through and think what a ride I have been on. I think of where I was before moving to Commerce, to last Spring with one friend, to this past Fall with changes in my church life, to this last semester and changes in friends. I have a sense of freedom where as before I felt as if I wasn't my own person. Don't know if that makes sense. I have friends that don't judge, totally understand and respect opinions and decisions made. I'd like to think it's the same for all of my friends.

I'm on a roller coaster ride right now. There's no other way to explain it. I have my ups and downs, more ups than downs these days, thank God! But it's all a ride.

ADD???

I am begining to wonder if I have ADD. I can no longer concentrate when reading. I can't read without stopping every 5 minutes or so and think of something else. It's quite frustrating. I have so much reading I need to do for my classes, and I can't ever finish what I need to do. I barely want to begin because I know I'm not going to get far. I'm begining to worry about this whole summer school stuff. I don't know if I can do it. Two books per week in one class, and several chapters out of two different books for the other. I have a strong urge to just drop all my classes and take a break. But oh what would become of that decision? It would take me longer to graduate. Ugh! Decisions, decisions!

Any suggestions? I'm about to give up here!

I hate this body!

I can't remember a time that I have been sick for this long. It is now a full week since I started feeling sick. It's gone from sore throat and headache to a stomach thing to sore throat and headache again to what now appears to be an ear infection. I finally had a few days of no school and I had to spend my time inside the apartment doing nothing but attempting to sleep and watch movies. I hate this, absolutely hate it. I hate this body! Cannot wait for my new one....

Another meme...

It's catch-up time on these...this time it's from Kelley...

8 Things You Might Not Know (or want to know) About Me

1. I was al about Superman when I was a kid. Superman is what I called my priest when I saw him walking down the aisle in mass. I actually got kicked out once for yelling out "Superman" as he was coming by. LOL! And that's also what caused me to break my arm when I was like 3. I stood up on a tall stool with a "cape" on my neck, cried out "Superman" and landed on my left arm. So much for flying.

2. When I was about to begin my freshman year of high school, I cried and begged my mother to let me move to Mexico and live with my aunt and go to school down there. I wanted to change where I was from. I no longer wanted to be from Texas, but from Chihuahua, where my family is from. I had gotten so used to being down there on vacations and pretty much having more freedom than I did here at home, I felt that I truly was from down there. It took me several months to get over my anger of her not letting me go that year.

3. Basketball is my all-time favorite sport. I was manager for five years. I quit helping my high school team when our varsity coach decided to quit. I didn't want to work under anyone else but Coach Kelley! She'd made us State-champs that year! None of the other coaches had made it further than just the regular season, so I quit. Boy do I love the sound of a basketball bouncing on the court, and going through the net!

4. Don't know how I did it, but I took gymnastics for a few years when I was in elementary school. I always told my mom, "I want to win a gold medal in the Olympics." The gold medal never came soon enough, so I gave up.

5. When I was about six, I saved a kids life by calling 9-1-1 when the house next to my babysitters was on fire. She saw the smoke, knew little English, and had me dial the number and talk to the person on the other end of the line. I remember the call lasting for a long time. As soon as I hung up with them, I remember my mom calling and me saying, "I just got to call 9-1-1!" Needless to say she showed up within minutes freaking out! The news reporters came up to my babysitters house and interviewed me. I think we still have the newspaper article somewhere.

6. Mom's proudest moment: Seeing her daughter on the news. I was president of LIGHT Brigade in high school. We ended up going to MADD camp in 2000 at TCU. Out of nowhere, my friend Cereida and I saw the news reporter for channel 23. We just wanted to say hi to him cause he's well known, and he ended up interviewing us. We called our parents within minutes, and when we got home, there was the recording of us talking on the news. My mom showed that news report to everyone that walked through the front doors for the longest time!

7. I'm going to be the first person in my entire family to graduate from college. No one else in my family has even set foot on a college campus. So for me to be a student at A&M Commerce is already a big accomplishment. Come December 2007 (unless I change my major and make it last until May), I will have fulfilled this duty in the family!

8. Man it's hard coming up with 8 things!!! Let's see...I'm just like my grandmother, I keep EVERYTHING. I keep the envelopes that cards come in, boxes that brownies are sent in :), little papers with my name drawn on them, post-it notes that say "I don't know what to say soooo...." that was placed on m laptop, ticket stubs from the movies, airplane tickets, rocks, grain of sand, whatever it is I keep. But there is one stipulation, it stays only if it was a gift. If it's something that I've bought, it tends to go in the trash within a month. I know, call me crazy!

There you go. Once again, it's late. I'm sure if I'd done this during the day, I may have come up with better things. Oh well...my duty here is done!

Meme

So Erin tagged me almost a month ago on this, and I just now remembered that I haven't done it. Sorry Erin!

Four jobs I've had: customer service rep for Hat-Co (Resistol & Stetson hats), receptionist, pre-school teacher for my beloved Blue Ivey School, and night security for one of the A&M Commerce dorms (no, I didn't get to carry a gun-so sad, I know).

Four places I have lived: Garland, Rowlett, A&M Commerce dorms, Commerce apartments

Four movies I watch over and over: Pride & Prejudice, Stepmom, Double Jeopardy, Elizabethtown.

Four favorite foods: Red velvet cake, sesame chicken, shrimp alfredo, brownies

Four favorite TV shows: Ummm...we don't have a tv, but when there is one: Food Network, TLC, and Grey's Anatomy

Four places I'd rather be right now: the beach, the lake at sunset, in bed asleep, on a plane

Four things I wonder about: must I really answer this one, it's almost 2 am! I don't have the mentality to think right now.

Four people I tag to complete this survey: There's only one person I can think to tag, Simran. Otherwise, sorry Erin but I must stop it here. :)

Summer...changes

Yay, we finally have internet in the apartment. You have no idea how bad it has been. I've had some major withdrawals from the stinkin' thing. I've been so bored, I can't even tell you the things I've been doing around here to stay sane.

It's Friday! The week is over!

The Spring semester ended last week, and it ended much better than I expected. I actually passed all my classes. Yes, there was a bit of doubt. But the teachers were kind enough to pass me. I've already started the may-mini, which is three weeks long. The class has been very interesting. We've had speakers come in every day that work with different agencies in the Social Work field around the area. I gotta say, Social Work is something that is sounding pretty good to me right now. Anyway, two more weeks and this class is over, just to be followed by a new semester five days later. Kelley, I may have to make a trip to your place in that short break.

I've moved into the apartment, and am pretty settled in. I still need a few things, but I'm managing fine. I'm praying about finding a job for the summer, although a part of me is saying "Don't worry about a job". I did get a call last night from a friend that is going to quit his job at the Children's Museum here, and asked if I'd like to take his spot. But that's all up to his boss. We'll have to see about that one. I definitely wouldn't mind working there!

Mother's Day was a loooonnnnggg day. Not because I had to go back home to be with my mother, but the process of getting back home. The roommate and I went out the night before and didn't get back 'til 5 am. Then there goes my phone at 8 am, "When are you coming home?" It was my mom. I didn't even know what to answer her 'cause all I wanted to do was sleep. We finally got up around 2 pm and started getting ready to head back to our respective homes. I finally made it home around 5 pm. We ended up going to my cousins and celebrating Mother's Day there. I have to say, it's really nice when I see my mom and her sister and all her nieces getting along. It's such a rare occasion, but beautiful to see...

(Pics: my mom, and pretty much her 3 daughters)

I got to go out to Garland last week to see my goddaughter in her first school program. Amazingly enough the school never had any other programs throughout the year. Anyway, she is finishing up her pre-school year at one of the public schools in GISD. They had a special Cinco de Mayo presentation. The kids wore traditional, and I mean traditional, Mexican outfits for the celebration. Even the teachers joined in and performed. It was all too cute! I'm so glad I didn't miss out getting to see that. I was very proud of my girl!



Besides the moving, starting up school, the excitement of learning that I passed my classes, Mother's Day, and Jasmine's program, nothing else has happened. I miss my friends. Todd's in Chicago, Simran (can't wait for you to come back girl!) is in Malaysia....Come Memorial Day weekend and we're heading out to the lake for a cookout, Christina, Nick, Todd and Me. Sooooo looking forward to it!

For now, I should probably get off of this thing and finish putting some things together that we bought for the apartment. I can't wait to see everything clean and put in place!!!