Friendship Rekindled?

A year ago this past January, I ended a friendship that brought me a lot of heartache. In the end, it wasn't just one friendship that ended, but four. Last fall, one of those friendships was able to be brought back to life, after meeting up with my old roommate. She and I had grown quite a bit from the time that we had stopped talking, to the day that we met up for coffee to clear things up. She was the only person with whom I figured I'd ever talk to again from the entire group. Well, I was proven wrong yesterday...

About a week ago, I spontaneously emailed Loma, that initial friend with whom I had to end the friendship with, and the reason why Aman and I became such close friends. I had found this fillipino food she had introduced me to, and it just made me think of her. I'd emailed her once before, but she had never responded. Well, two days later, I opened up my email and saw her name. I was in total shock. I immediately opened it up to read it.

It was a very friendly email, "Hey how are you? How's life in Commerce..." There was some "small talk", but overall it was a "great to hear from you". The ending was what really left me thinking. "I think its time we meet up and talk. Its time we put everything behind us". I was not expecting that. Erin had mentioned that she'd talked to Loma after she and I talked last Septemeber. Loma knew that I had been able to move on with what had happened.

Anyway, she came into town to bring Sophie, one of our friends that came from Ohio to deal with some matters at the school. Loma had mentioned that perhaps we might run into each other when they arrived, but I didn't really expect her to stop by. None the less, they did. The initial "reunion" was a bit awkward. But in the end, we all talked as if nothing had ever happened. She actually asked if we could do something in 2 weeks, back in Dallas.

We didn't really talk about what happened a year ago, so I'm very confused on how to feel about this sudden reunion. I talked with Aman about it Saturday morning, she pretty much opened my eyes to the reality that I don't need to worry about it, cause whatever happens will happen. And that's sort of how I'm thinking about it. I know that if the friendship were to work out, it wouldn't be completely the same. We both have changed in the past year. I will say though, there have been times that I've missed this girl, because I knew what she did for me my first year in Commerce. I can't fully explain what happened in the end to us, but I've always been appreciative of her befriending me when I didn't really have anyone out here.

I guess now it's just a matter of playing the waiting game, and seeing where this goes in the next couple of weeks....

Finally I Got a Job

Yep, that's right ladies and gentlemen, I have a job! I will be working in the office of Student Affairs. I'll just be doing the basic duties, opening the office, answering phones, responding to emails, running errands, etc. I'm looking forward to it. Finally I'll have some extra cash in my pocket. Things have been really tough lately financially, so whatever I can get works for me right now.

The Career Service center was right underneath the S.A. office, so I made that one of my stops before heading home this afternoon. It's time I really look at what I'll be doing after graduation. So I received a nice list of websites where I can look into the different careers I could go into with an English degree. I also got to look at some books that also tell what careers English majors go into and the kind of money they make. I'm pretty sure I won't end up in a career that has anything to do with English, but oh well.

I think, to be honest, it's going to depend more on what jobs are available in the areas I'm considering moving to, San Antonio and Yorktown(VA). I think my mom is back to thinking that I'm moving back home the day of graduation, if only she could stick to understanding that that won't be the case. I'm sure she'll eventually get it.

Either way, until that happens, I shall enjoy my Friday night. My sorority sisters are finally coming into town, so we are all hanging out. Exciting!

With summer comes so many changes

This was the view from the condo I got to stay at this past weekend...

Panama City Beach, Florida

This was the first time I'd been to Florida, and I have to say it was pretty amazing. The beach was gorgeous, I had never seen water so blue and clear *besides drinking water*. And even though I went with my friend and her 2, almost 3 year old, I had plenty of time to just relax.

Friday night, I was able to just sit on the balcony at night, all by myself and admire the beauty that existed outside the 4 walls I was staying in. If I could have gotten a picture of the night sky, I would definitely put it up. But there is absolutely no way that I could have captured what I saw. I was just in awe. I pulled out my journal and started journaling, something I hadn't done in several weeks.

Life just sort of flashed before me as I wrote down my thoughts...

Things this past month have been different without the girls around. I'm having to learn to be more open and willing when it comes to people that I don't really know. My friends were a major "security blanket", we could say. I felt okay going to new places because I knew they were there. I'm challenged every day now when I do go anywhere, because I know I'm having to do this on my own. It isn't all bad, it has it's up sides to it. I meet new people, make new friends, and learn that my life doesn't have to revolve around the same people. However, I do miss having the girls around.

This made me realize how much I missed Aman. From the begining when I knew that she was leaving, I had a positive attitude and told myself, as well as everyone else "As long as you make this happen, things will be okay between her and us. The friendship can live a lifetime, as long as you make it live." And I truly still believe that, I don't doubt it for a minute. But that doesn't mean that I'm okay with her not being here. I finally broke down one day last week and actually cried about her being gone. I'd always remained strong and not let it get to me, but my breaking point finally came. I found myself having to deal with the reality that there would be no mini-roadtrip to DFW airport to pick her up so we could start classes again. That thought last Sunday is what made me realize that she truly is gone, at least from Texas.

Just as other friends have come and gone and still remain a part of my life in different ways, so will she. I mean heck, we talk every day, whether through txt or actual phonecall. And the good thing is that she is thinking about getting placed in Baton Rouge, LA when she comes back from St. Lucia. She says she wants to be close to Texas so we can see each other often. Sounds like good thinking to me. :)

Another thing on my mind is simply what am I going to do after I graduate???I honestly feel no sense of direction right now. All I can think about is the fact that I don't really want to go back to Dallas. San Antonio and Virginia have been two places I have considered going to. San Antonio is still close enough so that I can easily come home for weekend visits. Virginia, well my best friend of 13 years lives there, and has asked me several times to consider coming and living in Virginia. I'm not certain, but I still have 2 months to figure things out.

Right now I'm just trying to make certain that I'm going through every part of the graduation application process correctly. It's getting close to time to order the invitations. That's a pretty exciting thing to do. My mom is overjoyed. The graduation party is sounding a lot bigger than I expected (or even want) it to be. Hopefully she'll simmer down. Ha!

I still don't have a job. A little frustrating. That just means less money for my road trip to Cali. That trip HAS TO HAPPEN! It will be the last time I get to see Aman before she heads to the island like two weeks later. So I sort of have an idea my mom thinks is crazy. I'm actually going to let everyone know "Don't give me gifts, just $$$". Ha, what better than to get what I really want. Hopefully by then I will have a job and enough money to pay for everything. This is actually stressing me out. If I don't go to Cali, people better give me enough money to buy a plane ticket to St. Lucia!!! Nah, I'm not really expecting people to do that. But still, it would be nice.

My final thoughts simply wandered to my classes. It couldn't be easier! One english and one spanish class. This summer is going to be such a breeze...at least it feels like it so far....

Wish I was a kid again in the summer time...

It's Monday, first day of summer, at least 3 week summer break for me. And I have to say, I pretty much hate it so far. No more waking up and walking downstairs into a living room full of girls talking and laughing. Now I walk downstairs into an empty apartment, except for when Amanda is here. No more walking down the hall just to find someone to run to wal-mart with me. No more 2/3 am runs to Taco Bell. Ugh! It's amazing how what seemed so little and insignificant at one point has now turned into special little moments and memories.

This summer is definitely not going to be like last summer, and I don't even know if there are any chances of it coming close to being as amazing as last summer was. Aman sat in her apartment Friday night, as we finished packing up her car, and said it herself, "We'll never have a summer like that one again." Hmmm...

I think what adds to that thought is the simple fact that Aman is gone. California, then to St. Lucia for 18 months. Saturday morning was a difficult one, having to say goodbye, and watch her drive off. I did good at holding in the tears. That is until my mom called me 3 hours later and asked when Aman was leaving. When I said that she'd already left, she got real quiet and said, "Awww, I'm sorry". Yeah, I pretty much broke down on the phone. And seeing the girls that were still in town and no Aman made it kind of hard. But none the less, here I am. All I can do is sigh when things remind me of her. And it definitely doesn't make it any easier that I moved into the aparment next door to her old one.

Our last picture together...

There's something special about Aman and my friendship. She's different from other friends that I have had. I've seen her fight for friendships that didn't seem significant to others, but that to her meant the world. So I have faith that our friendship will be a lasting one. She's that little sister God didnt' give me. She already knows she has to be around when I get married (if I ever do) and when I have kids (again, if that ever happens). And we joke around that when we get old, and living in a nursing home, we'll still know how to have fun. We'll simply jump in our motorized scooters and race down the hall. LOL! It's just hard because it won't be the same not having her here, and being able to experience things together. But we'll still be able to share them with each other. And I'm certain we'll be there when important events come around in each of our lives.

It's time for changes now. The first has happened, friends leaving. Next is finding a job, which I don't really look forward to. Then starting up my final 4 classes, and graduating in August. I still haven't the slightest idea of what I'll be doing after graduation. One thing I do know is that four of us girls are getting together and taking a road trip to Cali to see Aman one last time before she heads out to the island. Won't be the last one for me, cause I'm going to do everything in my power to save up money to go visit her in St. Lucia. But if we have the chance to see her before she leaves, we are definitely taking it. It's going to be my personal graduation gift. And anyone considering giving me a gift, keep $$$ in mind. Baha.

I guess I'll have a bit more time now to blog more often. There's no one to keep me busy or entertained. Kelley told me last night to enjoy the quiet and relax. I honestly don't know if I can handle too much quiet. I love having people around. Heck, the first thing I thought of this morning was "Who could I possibly get to come over?" Oh well. I guess it's time to go take care of the job hunt. Although, seeing how nice it is outside, I'm thinking I might go to the pool instead.

2 weeks left!

Yep, that's right, only 2 weeks left, and this semester is over. I'm not exactly looking forward to it ending. As much as I need my break from some of the girls, there are so many changes coming, and I don't really know how to take them all in.

Aman is leaving to Cali in 2 weeks, then to St. Lucia in August. I'm excited for her. She's another step closer to finishing her education and getting out in the real world as a doctor. But it's a saddening thought in my heart. This is the person that pulled me out of the most difficult time last year, from changing friendships to the loss of close ones. She has taught me so many things about myself. She has helped me grow in ways I didn't think it would be possible for me to grow. I am who I am right now, because of her. She's given me a new outlook on people and on things.

When she first told me on Tuesday that her advisor told her she'd be going, I couldn't help but have fear set on in. I worried. We've told each other that we will be friends for the rest of our lives. And I never doubted that. But then after the next 2 weeks, I don't know when will be the next time we'll see each other. I mean, she's going to be thousands of miles away. But then I stepped back and realized that as much as I may think of her as blood and as my lil sister, and she think of me as blood as well, we have an even tighter bond now, the bond of sisterhood. She is my Twin. That will never change. I know that will always keep us together, Gamma Phi. But it's still a hard thing to just let her go.

Another change is that after the summer is over, I will be done with school. I have been given the okay to being my graduation application process in the summer. Graduation is August 9th. I am entering a new stage in life. It's a scary stage. I honestly don't know if I'm ready to "grow up". But it eventually has to happen. I know. I'm not certain of what I'll do, where I'll go, or where I'll live. A big part of me wants to stay in Commerce for at least a semester. To give me some time to adjust, cause I will definitely need an adjustment period.

It will also help me adjust to leaving my sisters. I'm so not ready to leave them behind. I want to see where my chapter is going, and I won't be able to be a part of it 100% when I'm done with school. I'm not certain that I want to go alum just yet.

All these changes, and I don't do changes!!! So believe me, there's much stress and hesitation with time going on right now in my mind. The most difficult part I think is going to be the day I have to say bye to Aman. I wasn't really expecting that to happen so soon. I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes....

Until then, I shall try to think about studying for finals, finishing off final papers, and the excitement of what tonight holds. Initiation. I'm finally on the other end of this night, and so far, it's been absolutely amazing!!!!

field of flowers

i have had this repetive dream the past couple of days....

i'm at home, but it's not my home. it more or less looks like a home in mexico. my dad has gotten so sick that he can't even get up. i get a phonecall and it's my best friend. what's weird is that as we're talking, i can actually see her sitting on her bed, playing on her computer while talking to me. it's almost like a little thought bubble (know what i mean?). i see her in this thought bubble and i think, "this is rediculous, why don't i just go over there?"

so i go outside and i see this suv. inside is my "sister" and her kids, but they are stuck. they must have taken their stupid pill because none of them knew how to unlock the doors, so they had apparently slept there. (idiots). i get the door unlocked, and they all get out. i remember my purpose in leaving the house, and leaving my dad behind. i make certain to tell my "sister" to look after dad while i'm gone.

as i head out to the road, i notice two things. first is the sky. it's this shade of dark brown and tan. the clouds look as if there's a fire they are hiding. the shades of brown and tan are just amazing, but scary at the same time. it gives me a feeling that i'm out there all alone.

second thing i see is this beautiful field of rainbow colored flowers. but they aren't your average so many inches tall flowers. the field of flowers was more like a corn field, the flowers were insanely high. and there was no other way; this was the way to get to my best friend's house. i hear a car suddenly come by and i see it drive right through the field. but the minute the car is gone, the flowers grow right back up.

suddenly fear sets in and i get too scared to cross the field. what if the flowers eat me? and i never make it to my best friend's house. i never get to see her. and all that's left is this big "wall" between us, this field of flowers.

what do you make of that dream?

Wednesday night

I wish you could see my face, I look dead. My eyes feel like they could close and never open up again. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel so tired. And I've been getting more than 8 hours of sleep; I rarely ever get 5.

Well I made a bold move today. I wrote my brother a letter. And I pretty much said everything that I have felt towards him my entire life. You'd think it was a novel (Aman thought so). It was a good three page long letter, back and forth. I just hope that writing these things out and laying everything out there will help me, and him, and just the two of us. I still haven't gone to see him, and I sort of don't plan to until March. I don't think I could handle seeing him still. I still hold quite a bit of anger. And besides, like I told him, we'd have nothing to say. We'd sit there in silence and stare at each other through a monitor. Could there be more of a distance?

I've been very blah with my classes. I'll go. I've only missed one class. But it doesn't go any further than that. I honestly don't care right now. I don't care about much. I want my distance from everybody at the moment. And my classes are so boring. Not even my computer class interest me. And that should be a shocker, especially if you know how much I love being on my computer.

So yeah, that's pretty much where I am in life right now. Doesn't my Wednesday night sound amazing?!?!

Denial

I walked around campus tonight with Vanessa, one of the girls. As we walked in the cold rain, I couldn't help but think of where I'm at right now. I couldn't help but question myself, my feelings and my thoughts.

I've been struggling for the past week with my brother being taken to jail for breaking his probation and learning that he was using drugs. This came as a bit of a shock when I first found out. And ultimately, when he was taken in on the 11th, I just carried tons of mixed feelings. I felt sorry for him. I felt that he deserved what he got. And at times, it didn't even phase me. But what I felt most was anger, anger because he has hurt my parents in such an awful way.

As school started, it has simply been hard for me to go back to my regular routine of enjoying everything and everyone around me. I just can't seem to find a happy medium. What I've done is run away from my problems.

Aman has done a pretty good job at "lecturing" me about running away. I don't take it the wrong way, she simply is trying to help me deal with whats going on. This is the first week I can't run away (she's probably happy). And of course, I'm thinking about things, cause after all that's how this blog started.

Not that I'm trying to "run away", but I just don't want to think about things. I don't want to deal with what is going on in my family. I want to just enjoy my life and everyone that's in it right now. Perhaps I want to live in denial (lol). And yes, I know, not the best thing to do.

I'm obviously having to face a lot of things right now. And it isn't just the immediate things, like my brother going to jail. But a lot of it has to do with things from the past, growing up, etc. I'm having to learn to forgive my brother, let my parents be the parents, and let them deal with things in their own way. And then there's finding a way to deal with things myself.

Doing that and trying to keep my head clear enough to be able to do my school work and stay organized with Gamma Phi right now, well it's a bit of a challenge. Oh well, I guess this is what life is all about...learning how to deal with every little thing life sends your way, whether good or bad.

slowly going back to normal...

Well, this is the beginning of week two in school. I have to say, I'M SCARED! All my english classes scare me in one way or another: Linguistics, Business Technology Writing, and Creative Writing (Fiction). Why did I sign up for these classes?!?!? I already want to pull my hair out. Alright, let me take a breathe....

Not only that, but it's also taken me time to readjust to everyone and everything, amazingly enough. I got my stuff moved into the house the Wednesday before school started, but I still stayed at Amans apartment up through most of this week. I don't know what it was, but a big part of me wasn't ready to start everything all over again. I don't know, I can't really explain it. There was a big amount of fear setting within me. I just didn't feel at home. Perhaps it was just that everything was on my mind, from personal things going on in my life to just getting back in tune with everyone. But I am finally at a point where I'm okay with being here, and surrounded once again by all these girls. And to make things even better, we will finally be initiated this upcoming Friday!!! That has become exciting once again!!!

Overall, considering certain circumstances, life is alright. Can't say too much, cause there isn't too much to say. Well, in reality there is, but I've said enough about it. Aman has been soooooo patient with me this past week, with seeing my fear of life in itself, as well as having to deal with it. Ugh...

Now, I go and get ready to go see 27 Dresses with the girls. This shall be fun!!!!

The downward spiral at the moment

I can't find the words to say what I feel right now. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. Tomorrow is the first day of school for the Spring semester. And already, I know I have a long road ahead of me. I have been struggling with feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, confussion, and anxiety all at once.

My brother's new residence is a county jail about 45 minutes from home. His mistakes in life have finally caught up with him, and he now has to pay by serving 6 months. When he told me, I didn't know what to say. A big part of me just wanted to say, "Well, what did you expect...it was bound to happy sooner or later." But I just kept my mouth shut. I'm so used to him not being around anyway, what difference would it make, right? We don't exactly hold the closest relationship.

But it's been painful. It's so hard to see my mom and dad hurting the way that they are right now. Everytime I see my dad, his eyes are bloodshot red from all the crying he's been doing, and my dad is not an emotional person. My mom, she chokes up all the time, and you can see that she's trying to be strong by holding back tears. But she too has managed to break. She, as well as my dad, question what they did wrong. My mom's words the last time she broked down, "Why am I being punished? The only son God let me keep out of all my babies, and he turns out this way. What did I do?" Do you know how hard it was to hear that? Any clue. I almost broke down, but all I could do was stay strong for them.

I've been told, "This doesn't bother you that much...". To a point, like I mentioned before, it doesn't. It all hurts because I want to protect my parents. I have felt all my life that I need to protect them from further hurt and pain by picking up my brother's slack. And it has finally happened that I can't. He couldn't have hurt them any more than he has now. And it kills me inside that I can't do anything about. I have told my mom that it isn't her fault, all the choices were made by him and no one else. But no matter what, the pain will be there. The pain of not seeing their son for six months. Wondering if he's cold, if they are feeding him well, how they are treating him....

And I get to just sit back and watch them hurt. I have felt so lost, not knowing what to do, where to go, where to hide. Because that's all I want to do, run and hide. I was at the Gamma Phi house yesterday after I was done for the day. I sat in one of the girls room for about twenty minutes when I just felt it, I was going to break and cry. I couldn't let anyone see that, so I left and went for a drive. As I drove, I felt this insane amount of energy to the point where I could just hit someone to let all of it out. All I could do was cry. And that's just about all that I do these days.