It isn't that often that I question where I come from or my parents decision to have me in this country over their native country. But listening to certain close-minded people has caused me to open those flood gates of thoughts. I was joining my coworkers at lunch in the teachers lounge. As we were talking, I heard someone say "These Mexican kids..." I immediately stopped what I was doing and started eavesdropping. Shame on me, I know, but I can't help it. The next thing I hear is "Those kids are always speaking in Spanish. Anytime they start, I shut them up and say 'What country are we in? Speaking English! We are in America, we speak English in America". SERIOUSLY!?!?! I'm sorry, I know that this is America, and that main language spoken is English. But what about the Filipinos, the Asians, Germans, Russians, Hindus, and all the other races that are represented in our country whose native language is NOT English.

I understand that if people are going to come to this country they should learn to speak what is the common language, English. But people that come from other countries that want to make sure their son/daughter doesn't lose all of their native background, like me, is probably going to be asked to remember their native language. Growing up, my parents had a rule, "No English at home, only Spanish". Guess what happened the first time I came home talking to my mom in English? I got slapped. Never again did I speak English at home. I knew that it was against the rules. But I also knew why it was a rule, because my mom wanted to make sure that I learned for sure our native language while learning the "native language" of America. I was born here, but my parents are Mexican (now U.S. citizens). I have always been thankful for that slap, because it enabled me to understand how important it is to maintain your culture and background in you, and not lose it. So many people come to this country looking for a better life. If we all conformed and lost our native background customs and culture, we wouldn't be the "Melting Pot" that America is known for.

So why so much hostility over someone talking their native language? I don't get it and I probably never will. And what's sad is that growing up, I never had to face teachers saying that to me or putting me down because of my culture or racial background. And it seems that so many teachers do that to students here at this school. And I hate it. How can these kids feel like they are actually a part of something when they are made to stand out? I don't understand it, I just don't!!! When I hear these teachers talking like this, it makes me feel like I don't belong, and again I was born and raised here. It's moments like these that I actually wish my parents had just had me in Mexico. Who cares about the opportunities that exists here? I'd rather be among loving and peaceful people over hateful ones....just saying.

This generation....

Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up in this battle or if I should find my way to victory. That's my question every day with students that come in and talk back, don't bring supplies, don't participate, dress clothes that just isn't right for their age, and so on. I don't understand this generation. It makes me feel old when I say that, but it truly is a constant battle. My parents would say this constantly as I was growing up, they still do, but it's now about this generation of teenagers.I guess every generation is questioned in the same way, we just neglect to see it because we feel our parents had different expectations than the parents of teenagers today. But have the expectations truly changed?

I worry so much about my 21 month old and her future. As a teacher, I see so many things through my students that I pray my child will not have to experience. There are so many things I pray will not take hold of my daughter later on in life. But one thing I do know, I have high expectations for her. I expect her to be responsible, respectful, take care of her stuff and be on top of things at all times. I expect her to be able to tell when someone might be using her and when someone is truly loving her. But will my expectations be enough. I can only hope that my expectations are stronger than my wants for her, and that she'll be able to recognize that as she grows every year.

I think what many of my students lack, unfortunately, is a parent to show them how much they are loved, and to encourage them instead of bringing them down. Just today, I had a student come in and say "My mom is not paying for summer school because I told my dad she had been talking to another man for the past couple of weeks. She's taking everything away and making me responsible for my 7 year old sister". Really! You punish your kid for calling you out on your sinful ways. Instead of commending your kid for recognizing what is wrong, you're going to treat him like he's nothing because you didn't get to have your fun?!?!?! How can this parent call themselves a parent!!! I felt so bad for this kid. If I could, I would have offered to pay for his summer school, kept his sister, and let him work on furthering his education...but I can't.

So it is all about this generation? Are the kids at fault for everything that is going wrong in the generation we question constantly?  I don't think so. Have their parents forgotten that they should have expectations? Probably. There are actually a few parents, more than you'd think, that still hold their child accountable for their actions. However, more often than not, adults have forgotten their own expectations for themselves, which in turn has caused them to forget that their child needs them as well.

It's unfortunately that in this day, more parents depend on technology and entertainment to be the parent. I pray every day that technology will NOT be the parent to my child! Has my child learned how to unlock my smartphone? Yes. Do I have games downloaded on my smartphone to keep her busy? No. Do I think it's wrong that parents have games on their smartphones, iphones, ipads? No. Should they be used as the primary form of entertainment for kids? No. But that's a whole other topic for another day. I'm simply saying that communication between my 21 month old is more important to me than her staying busy so she's not in my way. The communication that I build between my child and I will enable me in the future to encourage her. We will have open lines of communication between the two of us so that I can express my concerns to her about her life without it just being a one-sided relationship. My expectations will be made known in a loving way, and I will have expectations, and she will know about them. And I will enable my child to somehow see that she doesn't have to be a part of that generation that everyone frowns upon. On the other hand she, as so many kids today that don't realize it, will have the power to change that generation. Am I being naive by believing this is how it will be in the future with my daughter? Perhaps. But that's what I expect in our relationship. Having that knowledge will enable me to work on that, so that she will know that that's what I desire for her and in turn she can do it with her child. Again, it's all about expectations....at least that's how I feel.

What do you think is causing the changes that we see in this generation of teenagers? Is it the kids? Parents? Lack of parenting? Society? They all go hand in hand, but what weighs in on it the most?

Day 5: Fruit

I'm not going to lie, fruits aren't a part of my daily meals. As a matter of fact, it is absolutely rare when I do go and buy fruits. But now that my baby is 18 months old and observing everything we do, say, and eat, that I feel it's important I incorporate fruits a bit more. She loves grapes and bananas. They happen to be some of my favorites too. Kiwis are also great, as are pears and mandarin. But for someone with a tight budget, these two will have to do.

I will add one last thing. I totally love grapes in my chicken salad, especially when made by someone else. :-)

Day 4: Wide angle

I remember this summer so well! 2010! We had just moved to our current location, and as we were driving down the road, we spotted this field of beautiful sunflowers. It was breath-taking! They were so big. I had never seen these so up close.

Apparently, the town these were in had agreed to let a man grow them on a trial basis. I'm guessing they didn't do the trick because this beautiful sight was not present this past year to see. It was a bit sad. :-(

Day 3: Low angle

This was as best as I could think of...it could be better....

This is a picture of the National Cathedral in Washington. I saw this place in person in 2006, and it was absolutely amazing! I was so fascinated by the architectural uniqueness of it. I'd love to go see this again, one day soon.

Day 2: Orange

 Well, this is pretty much my life from 8-5. These ORAGE books say it all. My husband calls me a cheater for teaching Spanish when I speak it, read it, and write it fluently. I hadn't even planned on teaching Spanish until a girl suggested I apply for a job at the same school she'd been hired at. I got hired right away. And that's what I've been doing for the past 4 years.

I have an 18 month old and it's important that I try to teach her Spanish. My parents speak it to her, which is great, as does her uncle (well every once in a while). But I just can't seem to find it in me to actually speak it to her. She's learned "zapatos" or shoes...and that's about it. I think the fact that my husband speaks 0 Spanish has a lot to do with it. Everyone always tells me, even strangers, "You better teach her Spanish!" Cause I don't need any pressure or anything!

When I was growing up, my mom had a rule: No English at home, Spanish only. You can learn English in school and with friends. And that's exactly how I learned to speak English, in pre-school. She always tells me that the first day home from pre-school, I was talking to my "students" (stuffed animals) in English and teaching them. Too bad my child can't go to a Spanish only school. Guess I'd have to go to Mexico for that. Hmmmm????

I think it might be time I suck it up and just start talking it. This is the crucial time for her to learn it. If she's ever going to pick it up, it's going to be now. Besides, might as well shove it into my husband's brain too. Maybe he'll eventually be able to understand her one day! :-)

Challenge Day 1

Well, Lent has begun once again. 40 days of giving something up. I haven't participated in this in a while, so I don't know how to feel about it. I've decided that I'm giving up  Facebook. But I just honestly don't think I can make it. I don't even do anything on FB, just stalk basically. Sad, I know. So I've debated, what will I do now that I can't turn my phone on every 2 minutes to see what's going on. Then I thought, "Hmmm...I do have my blog. And I have my camera. Perhaps a photo challenge to blog about. Uhmm yep, that's what I'll do." Will it actually happen? Guess we'll find out.For now, we start off with Day 1: Self portrait and 15 facts about me.

My Self-portrait

*can you tell how tired I am from dealing with 180 freshman!?! *

15 facts about me:

1. I'm married to the most amazing guy in the world.

2. I'm a preemie mom of a beautiful 18 months old. 

3. I'm Mexican-American.

4. My mom raised me to be proud of my roots, which I definitely am.

5. Chihuahua is my favorite place to travel to.

6. I have 2 half sisters that live in Mexico.

7. My niece is 26 days shy of being 2 years younger than me.

8. I always wanted a younger brother or sister but ended up being the baby in the family.

9. Photography is my favorite hobby.

10. I'm a high school teacher (feel free to feel sorry for me).

11. I'm the first one in the family to graduate college with a degree. (Go me!)

12. I graduated with a college degree not knowing what good it would do me, but was ready to be done with school so I said "Sure, that English can be my major".

13. I value true friendships.

14. My walk with God began when I was 22 years old.

14. I grew up wanting to be a teacher, changed my mind in college, and the first job I landed was teaching Spanish....go figure.

15. Change is my enemy in my life, I hate it!

Loneliness

I've always been the type that has one very close friend, that one best friend that you turn to for everything. Every stage in my life, that best friend has changed, but I've never felt the way I do now...where do I even start?

To make a long story short, my friendship with my best friend changed drastically within a one year span. I'd always think in the back of my mind, "I should really call/text her". I wanted the friendship that we once had. And I know that things can't ever be what they were. Last summer, I was 7 months pregnant. The last thing we expected to happen occurred, my water broke at 28 weeks. I was transferred from east Texas to a hospital in Dallas. The last person I expected to see was her. None the less, she showed up. She was even there while I was in active labor after 2 weeks of bed rest in the hospital. She kept her word of being there, a promise we'd made to each other 4 years ago.
This last year has come and gone. We met up less than a handful of times. And now she's back home in California for good. And here I sit, wondering why I gave up so easily on someone that didn't give up on me when I screwed up big time when our friendship was the strongest. Could I have done more to take our friendship anywhere near back to where it was in the beginning?

Something I have felt since our friendship changed was loneliness. I have felt this void within me. My life is filled with many blessings, the two greatest being my husband and baby. I love them both to death. But there's just something missing. And I know that one thing that is missing is my friend. That bond that I had with her, that closeness I felt. I guess it's my human side coming out. I just can't seem to shake the loneliness and it's driving me insane!

Countdown to nothing

I don't know what has happened to me. I mean I do, life has happened to me. But my writing, my thoughts, half the time I feel like I have no thoughts. Driving used to be the best therapy for me, because I could let my thoughts wander. Sometimes, now, while I'm driving, I'm amazed that I can't come up with anything to think about. I think I'm just exhausted with life. IDK.

There has been one thing that has weighed heavily on my heart, Mexico and my family. I submitted my application for a name change on my passport. It's been a good 2 years since I've gotten to go back, since I got married and had a baby. Things have been dangerous with the drug war that's been going on. Everyday, I imagine receiving my passport in the mail, and crying because I know it is one step closer to seeing my family.

I have never felt more disconnected in my life than I do right now. I don't think anyone will ever truly understand what it's like to have so many people you love, and not be able to see them because of the dangers that one NEVER thought would come to exists. The fact that a border could keep me separated from my family and all I know is just beyond me.

I always envisioned growing up, getting married and having children, and taking my husband and children to visit my family, just as my mom did with my brother and me. I already have to deal with my baby never meeting my grandmother, and several of my aunts and uncles. But the fact that I still have family that she could meet, and she can't, kills me. Yes, I want my husband to meet my family, but she's the one that truly has that connection with my roots, through my blood. My husband, I feel, has a difficult time understanding my pain of not being able to see my family, because his family is all around us. He isn't separated from his family by 14 hours or a drug war.

It's like for the first time ever, I wish I had no understanding of what it means to be a Mexican with family "back home". I just don't know how else to put it. It kills me, it brings me to tears knowing that I feel that way. But if being Mexican-American isn't difficult enough, try being a Mexican-American that was raised being proud of who you are and where your roots are, and having to practically forget it all.At least forgetting seems to be the best option.

So I wait for my passport to arrive, but basically for it to just sit there, in a safe place. I countdown the days for it to arrive, knowing that the only thing it will be good for, will be to attend a funeral perhaps, and not to continue to deepen the roots of my ancestors that exists through me and into my daughter.

Walking with encouragement

My husband has begun walking in the evenings. I usually don't go because our baby is asleep by the time he goes. Tonight, I decided to join him, since we some rain today and it wasn't 100 degrees at 8 pm. We loaded up and headed to the track. I set up an app on my phone to keep stats on my walking, got Pandora running, put my headphones in, and said "Let's go." My husband tried talking to me within seconds of having started walking. I had to tell him that I couldn't hear him over the music. I didn't even bother taking out my headphones. Mean? Yeah, I guess. But I have my reason.

My last few posts have been about Christian songs. I love listening to worship music; it's so uplifting. So if I join my husband, I have to play Christian music. Otherwise, I know that I'm going to quickly say "Okay, I'm done" after only having done 1/4 of a lap. When I listen to my music, I'm reminded that Christ lives in me. And I can only imagine what he must be thinking in regards to how I go about my daily life, never taking into consideration that I need to take care of this body. My music keeps me going and pushes me so that I want to continue working on this body. Something I seriously need to start doing!

Now if you're wondering how far I walked, well it was only 1/4 of a mile. But hey, I NEVER exercise, so that's a pretty good start if you ask me! Let's see if I can last longer tomorrow! Fingers crossed!